Today it has been exactly 1 month since Camille died. I am sad, devastated, tired...no exhausted. The first couple weeks were blurry and I felt numb even though I cried constantly. The last week feels HEAVY. This burden of sadness and missing and ache feels too big to carry for the rest of my life. The weight of my loss is heavy on my shoulders and I feel like I am dragging through each day, trying to get through it. I miss my baby, my beautiful little girl. Kai is our saving grace right now. I laugh and play every day and I love him so completely but I also feel very distant from everyone and everything. I am constantly living June 30, 2011 over and over and over like a really bad groundhog day. A nightmare I won't wake up from. Every morning I wake up and realize that yes this is still happening, Camille is still dead. The heaviness sinks in and I drag myself out of bed.
I have tried to go out with Daryl and Kai...out to eat, to Costco and Target...but everywhere I go, the last time I was there, I was pregnant and happy and oblivious to the tragedy that awaited us.
I think about Camille all day everyday. I miss her with every ounce of my being. I love her so completely and I never even got to really know her. Only what I felt of her, for her, dreamt of who and what she would become. I miss all the eventual memories that we were going to make. My heart physically hurts, and sometimes it is hard for me to breathe. Is it too much to ask of a 2.5 year old to absorb so much love wrapped up in this grief. He knows we are sad and how much we miss his sister and yet his concept of death is limited to the beauty of a world known to a 2.5 year old. I used to feel so complete with my love of our son. Now I feel empty and I feel bad that my son is now not enough because I miss our daughter.
This is the worst thing I could imagine and yet here I sit as...the woman who's second child died. How did everything go so wrong? why was there no indication? How could I not have known?
I lost a little piece of my mind the day I delivered my baby and held her precious soft perfect body. Kissing her lips and cheeks and holding her close, I feel like I failed her. No matter how much people tell me there was nothing I did wrong, I blame myself. I was supposed to be the safe spot, the one place nothing could harm her. I failed her. I need a time machine, I need to go back and make it right, save my daughter. I just don't understand why or how this could have happened to her, to me, to us. It is so unfair. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and I wish it was my best friend instead of me.
I feel all over the place, my mind jumps from thought to thought, tangential and random and centered all around the death of Camille. This is supposed to happen to someone else, not me. Someone else, anyone else. When I cry it isn't even a sob, just a whimper of shear anguish with tears streaming out of my eyes and sucking of air as I try and catch my breath....my baby is dead, my daughter, my beautiful little baby.
I didn't think it was possible to have enough tears to cry everyday for a month, but I do...I have enough tears to cry multiple times a day for a month, for a year, for eternity. I know the pain won't always be this acute, but right now I feel like the pit of hell I am in will never get better. I remember telling myself the day I delivered Camille that it can not get worse than this. This will be the worst day of my life, it can only get better. Each day will have to get better. I think it was the worst day of my life, but each day does not seem to be better. Some days are easier, some days are harder and I never know what the day will be like before I am in it. It is so hard to feel so out of control. Yes I am on Antidepressants, I have never taken medication in my life. So at 34 years old, 2 children, and one dead baby later I am taking meds. Are they helping? I don't know. Probably. I could take every pill on the planet and I would still be sad and I would still cry. I am just trying not to spiral into a space that would not allow me to care for my son. I am not driving yet. I don't trust myself to make good decisions or be present enough to pay attention to such an important task but I will have to try soon.
I don't know how I am going to do this, deal with this, survive this... I keep telling myself "the only way out is through" but through to what? there is no other side. I will never be okay, I will never be through with this...Never. I love my baby forever with every piece of who I am and who I will become. I certainly am not the same person I was a month ago. I don't even remember who that was. I am empty shell right now. I wish someone could save me. I wish I could save myself, I wish I could save my daughter. I am incredibly sad.