Burn Baby Burn

2012 is a welcomed year. I certainly have a love/hate relationship with 2011, in fact I think it is a 50/50 split considering Camille died and was born on June 30th...smack dab in the middle of the year. I get mixed up in my feelings: on one hand I hate it because my daughter died! Right now that fact outweighs all of my other feelings. On the other hand my daughter existed in 2011, I had this really happy, lovely pregnancy and had so much excitement and expectation. ALSO...there is my son, a full year of watching Kai turn 2 and becoming even more fabulous. How can I disregard an entire year that my son was living and making me smile and giving me joy. It was a year of a lot of love and smiles, joy and laughter.
Our family, the 3 of us going on 4....and then she died. Sigh....and then she died.

The holidays came and they were what they were, filled with joy and heartache...

... the story of this new life.

This brings me back to my post about Christmas cards. We set them out like we always have but I would glare at them...all that happy, merry bullshit, with their new babies and birth announcements. My husband was taking them down after the holiday and I said "wait, I want those". I took them and put them on the shelf.

New Years Eve has always been my favorite holiday. Nothing attached to it except the expectation for a better year. Growing as a human being and hope for the future...Beautiful really and whats not to love about sparkles and fancy clothes, ringing in the new year? D and I got engaged on New Years Eve in New York, overlooking central park as fireworks went off. We have had a lot of wonderful New Years Eves...This one was not fantastic but I am still looking forward to what 2012 brings...I hope more love and laughter, I hope another baby. An alive one; One that would not exist if Camille did not die.

Here are some photos of New Years eve day:

A hike around the lake

 A Picnic

Then, while little was napping, I took down THOSE Christmas cards. I started with the people who had been particularly offensive or people who had been ridiculously ignorant to my feelings. Then I just piled one upon another and watched it BURN. It actually felt really good. Out of all of the Christmas cards we received this year only 2 said anything about Camille or our loss. Every single one got burned except those 2 really special cards

 One of the EXCITING parts of this evening was when we were making brownies as a family. We use organic brown eggs...I cracked an egg and HOLY SCHNIKIES!!!

Twin Yolks! I thought that was a really good sign. Maybe a good fertility sign...maybe just a unique occurrence...non the less, VERY cool.  2 days later my husband cracked another egg and got TWIN YOLKS! Something good has to happen this year right?