1 Week

It has been 1 week since Harlow was born. It doesn't feel like that long. I have wanted to post, but not having a computer except when my husband gets home from work makes it difficult.

 There is so much that goes on in my mind and in my heart over the last week. clipettes and snippets of thoughts tangential and repetitive. lack of sleep for both good and bad reasons and hormonal crashing lends itself to places of baby highs and grief lows. I am over the moon in love with Harlow, that she is here and in my arms is almost baffling. All those months of anguish and anxiety, and then bam it is like I can be walking up the stairs and all of a sudden I will think, Oh my gosh my baby is in my arms...how did I get here, when did this happen. It feels very surreal at times. I look at my second daughter and can see my first, she looks so much like both of my other children, this makes me smile and also makes my heart ache. How does this girl get to live when my other did not?

This week has had its moments of anxiety, the other type of sleep deprivation that is not the happy kind, the up at night because I am nursing is the blissful happy kind. The other, the one where I am worried because tomorrow Harlow would be 38 weeks of gestation if she was still inside me, that after tomorrow she will be forever older than her sister. I know there is nothing cursed about the 38th week and yet I find myself worrying. Harlow was 3oz heavier than Camille at birth and a little more than a week earlier to be born. Now Harlow weighs 5#2oz and weighs less than Camille. that worries me. I know it won't be a forever kind of comparison. When I look at Harlow my heart is filled with joy and love and gratefulness. But this week is tricky with its numbers and continues to play on my mind. The lack of sleep doesn't help. People kindly point out the necessity of sleep. I recognize the importance but guess what? If you don't know what it is to lose a child than those words are lost on me. That I would sleep willingly in the hospital while hooked up to a fetal monitor is ridiculous.  I would stare at the strip until my eyes were blurry with fatigue and my body put my mind out of its misery as I dozed here and there. After Harlow was born, people would say that I should get rest, the baby can go to the nursery...I am sorry but that baby was not to be out of my sight. My friend slept over in the hospital room and watched the baby sleep so I could feel safe trying to rest, but every squeak the baby made my eyes would open. This is the life of a mama on full guard. I got home and sleep was difficult because I had to watch her, make sure she was real, that she didn't try and slip away as I slipped into sleep. Camille died while I was sleeping, I know what it is to wake and have the world be upside down. Sleep is a place where things can be taken away from you against your will. I know they are different babies, different pregnancies. But...

Today was a hard day. I cried a lot today. I know I am crashing off my hormone baby high. I miss Camille. I wish Harlow fixed that hole in my heart. But the weird part or the natural part of love is that your heart grows to accommodate, and the love I have for all my children fit neatly into this compact beating structure. The gaping hole left where my guts were torn out when Camille died does not get neatly mended with a little pink ribbon upon the arrival of my second daughter. Certainly more happy, more relieved and over joyed with Harlow here. A sigh of relief that I made it through the treacherous war zone of pregnancy after loss....but holy shit the pain is just still there. The missing is just still there. Not more or less. I wasn't focused on my grief at the end of my pregnancy. All my effort went into trying to focus on positivity for this baby girls safe arrival. Now she is here and I pass the shelf where Camille's picture is along with her ashes and some other items and I stop. I hold Harlow close to me, I look at Camille's picture and think of the crazy resemblance of my two daughters. Would they have been friends, would they have been similar people? The tears come and I just sit with that sadness, the sadness that will be in me forever....And than Harlow will take a giant squirty poop with a squished up face and I will laugh and focus on the alive, beautiful little girl in front of me.

So much joy and love, tangled up in the crazy and the sad.

Here are some magnificent photos of my precious beautiful little daughter Harlow Karrington Katoch (Kay-Tosh) in case you were wondering how to pronounce it :) I just love her name.

The Blue Moon on Harlow's Birthday



Birth Plan..I kept staring at this all day





Harlow is here



I grew this foot





Yawn




All Squished Up-Hey who took me out of the hot tub?





My big baby~I love him so much!



ETA approximately 3 weeks

See that is why I haven't been around. I am so close...3 weeks until I am supposed to be induced and the crazy around here both internally and externally have hit a fever pitch.

News: trying not to frame it as good or bad...just is...

My fluid levels have been low normal, but still normal..8.5, 9.
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was just prescribed night time insulin because although I am controlling my diabetes with diet during the day, my night time levels are borderline. They say I could go another week and see, they were kind of on the fence. I haven't gotten the prescription yet. It was just called in yesterday. The morning blood sugar levels have been between 88 and 95 and it averages around 91, they would like it below 90...that is why they weren't sure if I should go on the night time insulin. These numbers are due to hormone levels not what I am eating.

This baby girl is doing well, last week she measured in at 4.5 lbs and was 4 days behind her due date but she seems to be growing well.

The non stress tests are out of control stressful! The nurses are really nice but I have already had my first trip to labor and delivery COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT! Wednesday of last week I woke up and had right sided abdominal pain that would not go away. I don't have my appendix so it wasn't that :) I didn't think it was ligamentous because that usually is sharp and then subsides...so of course I thought I may be having a placental abruption because well...I'M FREAKING OUT. I was in tears sobbing in the house because there was no coming down off the crazy tail spin of panic I had worked myself into. Kai kept telling me he loved me and that I just needed to OM and say "I love my home, I love my Kai and Papa" I felt bad because I couldn't keep it together so I called my OB and they said to go to the hospital and so I dropped Kai off at the neighbors house and went to the hospital. Daryl who had been working a whopping 3 days at his new job came and met me...

Then my NST on Tuesday was so BAD. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heart beat for like 5 minutes. I was sweating and crying....than finally there it was. It didn't matter that I had felt her move on the WAY to the hospital, when they strap that DAMNED monitor on my belly it is absolutely terrifying.
The perinatologists always calm me when I see them, but I don't see them for the NSTs.

Also as I mentioned, Daryl started back to school as an elementary VP so he has been really stressed out. He used to say "Just be positive".... he doesn't say that anymore. I think he is also worried because we are so close.

Today was my last day of work. It kind of freaked me out because last maternity leave I was scheduled to work on Thursday but they forgot and moved all of my patients so I didn't have to work that day after all, Camille died that morning. Today I was scheduled to work, it is Thursday and once again they moved all my patients and it freaked me out. I went to work anyway and finished up a bunch of paperwork. I know this is NOT last time but I don't like that kind of stuff.

The baby has been moving a lot the last couple days. She is still head down but she moved her body so that her hands and feet are both on my lefts side. I can feel and see the movement so much more now which is very reassuring.

Another hard thing I did last week, We went and took family photos. We didn't do this when I was pregnant with Camille and so it was difficult for me to set the whole thing up...but I did it because I needed to make sure to DO IT. CHALLENGE! The first time we had it scheduled the photographer had made a mistake and didn't show up. It was like 100 degrees and we were sitting around waiting on the same day that I had been in the hospital because I was worried about the baby. It was a bad day and I ended up bawling on the phone to the photographer about my dead baby and gestational diabetes and how pregnant and hot it was and how stressed out I was....I just couldn't help it. She rescheduled us and was apologetic but you know I am completely topped out right now. The bonus: I think she is going to comp us a bunch of pictures...

We finally got our bedroom furniture delivered but of course we need some replacement pieces...um we ordered this stuff in MAY and we paid a BUTT LOAD for it so it better be perfect.

We have taken apart the office portion of our library and are turning it into a playroom area, so our house is in slight disarray, I guess it is our way of nesting.

I have cut out all the squares for the baby's quilt and arranged it how it will be sewn. Now that I am off work I think I will be able to work on it more next week.

I received a gift from a patient last week for the baby. I was wondering how it would make me feel because I am not having a shower. She didn't know about Camille until that day. I took the gift home and opened it, a small pink elephant rattle and some receiving blankets. You know what ...it felt good, I was happy that I was happy about it. This little girl deserves to be celebrated, I know this. I am looking forward to having a shower of some sort after she is born. BUT it was a good step for me to be accepting of things for THIS little girl.

About my grief....of course you see the grief is tied up in my worry and concern, my panic and my anxiety...because I want this little girl so much to come home with us, because I love her so much. But with me being SO close to giving birth, my grief has been pushed away, my focus is so much on THIS one. I only have so much room in my life for things and so my focus unintentionally has shifted. I am okay with this. I know it does not decrease my love for Camille or Kai, but I am really perseverating on this little girl so that I can try and ensure her safe arrival.

We picked out a name. No we aren't telling what it is. We didn't tell with Kai either. Maybe just to have something for Daryl and I between us for the next couple weeks. I am happy we decided, we hadn't decided on Camille's name and it feels good to kind of know and be able to call this little girl by her name.

I will post about some of the really positive experiences of this summer that have helped bring joy between the freak out sessions. Boy is this HARD.
Thank you for all the lovely thoughts and good vibes sent out to me. I need them more than I ever thought I would.

Rocking Three

Kai asks me to rock him.

I hold him in my lap.

I sing to him or hum softly with my lips against his soft blond hair.

I breathe in his little boyness and think to myself:

I am rocking all three of my babies.

One is in my lap, one is in my heart and one is in my belly.

So much joy, so much sadness and so much hope...

all wrapped up in one session of rocking and a little hum.