Rocking Three

Kai asks me to rock him.

I hold him in my lap.

I sing to him or hum softly with my lips against his soft blond hair.

I breathe in his little boyness and think to myself:

I am rocking all three of my babies.

One is in my lap, one is in my heart and one is in my belly.

So much joy, so much sadness and so much hope...

all wrapped up in one session of rocking and a little hum.

Dead People

My son has said some incredibly intuitive and lovely things that I never thought would come from a 2.5/3 year old. The other evening he stated that when people die they are still here with us. I anticipated something profound from him like the previous statements such as "they are in our peaceful place" or "they will always be in our hearts" but no, he says: "when people die they are still here with us, we put them in tiny boxes and put them on our shelves, like our dog and Camille"

Well that just kinda makes me laugh...

9 months

I miss Camille So incredibly much.

This week was hard. There is something about the dual lives that shadow each other. The one where my daughter is here and nine months old- this is the life I am supposed to be living. The other where she has been dead for the same amount of time that she was alive within me. It makes my throat cinch up and my breath get shallow.

I don't know how 9 months has passed. It seems like such a long and short period of time. I wonder in the crazy of my mind (although I don't believe in fate) if I was ever meant to have her. Sometimes it feels so inevitable that she would die. Maybe because she is dead. I wonder still how this was to be the existence I would lead. I know there are no answers to the whys and the wondering, but the questions swirl in my mind regardless. It feels as if there was never a chance for Camille to come home alive.

I know this is not true.
I know this is not true.
My reality has shifted towards a life in which she is dead. It is hard to see past that now. I love her regardless. I love her in spite of it. Death may have taken her, but it can not kill my love.

I just keep going. It is the best I can do. I grasp fiercely at the joy and love in my life.
Telling people I love them no longer seems arbitrary.

9 months has passed. I miss her so much. The missing has not changed. I doubt it ever will.

The Rain

The rain is here....finally.

It has been too warm for winter, it makes me scared for the summer. How hot will it be with so little rain.

The forecast promised rain that never came all week, until this evening. It makes me feel better. The sky trying to wipe away all the grime and heaviness of life. Trying to grow our garden and flowers, make our grass green. BUT mostly I am glad for the rain because is soothes my soul. I feel calmer, like I can breathe.

Out of nowhere the other day Kai said "Papa says that sometimes I make bad decisions and sometimes mama makes bad decisions and sometimes papa makes bad decisions but he still loves me and he is still happy." I swoop him up and give him a giant hug and tell him he is right. He proceeds to tell me we also all make good decisions too. Then he says "See I remember everything" I know he listens to what we say, I know he is incredibly intelligent and emotionally in tune. This also makes me feel especially bad because I am not always the most patient. Parenting is difficult while grieving. I hope he can remember how much I tell him I love him.

Kai and I sat in the meditation room today and talked about what we are grateful for. I am so glad there is so much. I talk about our sadness, madness and badness being breathed out and turning into bright white sparkling light which leaves room inside us to be filled with love. My son takes the crystal and puts in on his forehead and says "good loving thoughts", then to his throat "good loving words", to chest "good loving feelings" I believe it in the moment. I feel good, filled with love and amazed at how beautiful and wonderful this little person in front of me is. But my feelings are fleeting. They escape as if there is a hole...somehow all that madness, badness and sadness seems to come back to me. It is a battle to keep all that negativity at bay.

I am short on patience and quick to temper.
I am sometimes bitter, hateful and angry
I am also happy and full of love
I am joyful and find moments of peace

When I look at that list, I know this is usual and normal for all people, but for me it feels manic. I am emotionally volatile in love and hate and I vacillate quickly and easily without a lot of control. I cry easily and sometimes laugh while desperately sad. I think this is all part of grief, I know I am not unusual in this state.

I am trying to be true to myself, my family and Camille.
So tonight with the rain soothing my soul, I am grateful for the moments of peace and the calm that hugs onto either side of the angry and bitter and hateful.
I am grateful for this rain.

The Meltdown

I had a meltdown at work the otherday. It was unexpected and was a spiral downwards which was not pretty.

The morning was going well. I was treating one of my favorite patients when duna-duna (shark sound) a girl walked in from this last summer who was due two weeks before Camille. She says to the entire clinic: "do I look different, not huge and pregnant?" then proceeds to gush about her baby girl. She is so proud, her daughter so perfect, she produces photos...fortunately for me, I am at the other side of the clinic with my back turned to her. I had worked on this woman, us both hugely pregnant, now I couldn't even look at her! I didn't mean to lose my shit, I excused myself from working on my patient, went into my office and started balling. The front desk girl (my friend) and another aide came to my office to ask what was wrong, I told them between sobs and hyperventilating that "it should be me... I can't handle this". They are rubbing my back and trying to get me to calm down, my anxiety in full swing. Then they start making jokes about how her baby is probably totally ugly and will turn out to be a total crack head...I started laughing and snorting snot and sobbing and calmed down...wiped my eyes and went back to my patient who had no clue that I just FREAKED the "F" out.

BUT then since I was already maxed out with emotion, later that day, I had a really young patient who had a sacroiliac joint misalignment come in. The other days I was able to put it back in, but today I couldn't. 8 year olds are not good at relaxing, telling them to relax does not work, so I tried to distract her...Still I couldn't do it. So I asked my fellow PT and clinic owner to do it. It took him like 6 tries but he got it. Great right...we always work like this, sharing patients doing whatever it is that will get them better, no ego involved. He came by my office later...I don't even know why, THAT was a BAD idea. He had NO idea what was coming his way. I told him how embarrassed I was that I couldn't get this girl's SI joint in and I felt like such a failure and how inept I am and frustrated I am. He of course being fabulous tells me how blessed his is to have me in his practice and how many people I help all the time. (I love Mormons :)
He joked that if I was LDS that I would understand how he felt about certain things and I joked that I may convert but only in the work place. I am the token liberal and non religious physical therapist in the practice, since my other friend and PT there is a Mormon bishop. haha Anyway...I should have just TOLD him about the patient who had come in earlier, that I was spiraling and that my anxiety was spilling over into everything around me, but I didn't and I cried and I was a disaster.

I cried all the way home, Kai saw me and asked about my tears and I told him I had just been a little sad. My husband was LAME and never asked about my day at all, I think he wanted to avoid whatever was going on. That really pissed me off. I told him I was hurt that he never asked about my day, that it had been one of the worst days in a long time and all he said was "sorry"...UGH! He came home with a new pair of pajamas for me the next evening...I needed those "thank you very much" but you still didn't ask me about my feelings...boys...I tell ya!

Then the next work day I am finishing my documentation for the day and one of the aides  (also a Mormon :) comes up and says "I know it might not be my business but I just have noticed that you don't look like yourself." I was really honest with him, I said, "all my patients are gone, I don't have to be "on" anymore. I am not being fake but the truth is I am always this close to tears....Yep I started crying AGAIN! then HE STARTS CRYING...Fucking hell...I am telling this 25 year old about the pain of loosing a child. He is sweet and says, "I don't see you as being "poor Renel" I really admire your strength, because I don't think I would be able to come to work and function like you do." Eyeieie....I guess it was just one of those weeks...but I still wish my husband could ask how I was doing, instead of the 25 year old aide haha.

I'm hoping for a better week

A Couple of Pictures

I haven't posted in a while. Not for lack of things to say, I have plenty going on... I have a couple pictures from Kai's third birthday party I will share. He really is amazing, he keeps me grounded and somewhat focused. I am not sure how I would be coping if I didn't have him. Anyway, Kai has this book entitled Miss Spiders Tea Party, Every time we read the book he says "I want to have my friends over for cake and tea" We drink tea in our home and eat scones and so I said, how about we do that for your birthday party? He was really excited about this. His invitations said "Mr. Kai is Turning 3, Please Come and Have Some Tea.
I tried to "boy it up" by adding plastic bugs and bike and scooter riding time outside. All the kids seemed to have a good time. I "attempted to do 2 organized games...1. Pin the tea cup on the saucer game 2. tea bag toss into the tea cup. both I would generally consider as failures but considering we are dealing with kids 1.5-3.5 I think it was rather successful. I now understand why parents choose a themed party where they can buy pre-made items and call it good, but being a crafty wanna-be I spent HOURS drawing a Miss Spider, and sewing tea bags made out of burlap and beans with little tea tags on them. I read them the story and explained the game but the children generally did not want to wear a blindfold (especially my kid cuz he was being a wanker), Then the children ripped off the tags on the tea bags before the toss game even began....HOURS .....down the drain haha. I think the party went well....maybe a baseball theme next year...lets see how complicated I can make that. :)

 The tea table was set for 6

 Story Time

Pin the Cup on the Saucer

bean bag toss

My Little Man

Happy Birthday!

Make a Wish

I love him.

The Hours of Anger

I took Kai to a Valentines craft day today with moms club. It was crazyland but he did well and accomplished making several projects. A mother asked me how I was doing!!! Wow? nice, even if we were interrupted at least 10 times, she actually cared to ask. I think even the people who were really supportive in the beginning have waned in their interest, and their eyes glaze over when i talk about how sad i STILL am. I just haven't gotten over my daughter being DEAD!

We left and met my husband at Sports Aut.hority, Kai loves putting in their golf department and for a sports oriented family this store is the bomb. I USED to be really into getting new workout clothes, but today...I was walking around and just got FILLED with ANGER. There were a couple moms today who said they have finally achieved their prepregnancy weight after 2.5 years...awesome right? Well I am still 20 pounds over my prepregnancy weight. Okay so it hasn't been a priority. Trying not to have my brain melt into my heart on a daily basis has. I am looking at all these workout clothes and I just got SO FUCKING PISSED. WHY DID MY LIFE HAVE TO BLOW THE FUCK UP? I wish my biggest problems were being tired because my daughter was teething or if I still fit into my bikini. It just isn't my life anymore and I am just so exhausted from being so sad, and angry, and missing and still trying to function as a "normal" human. It just isn't the same, I will never be the same...AND I'M ANGRY that the freedom of mundane has been taken from me. The blissful middle class white woman's disease of bullshit complaints doesn't register on my radar.

Why did MY daughter have to die? why not some crack smoking McDonald's eating asshole? And as I tantrum and stomp my feet all over my blog I realize that it is also exhausting, the why me's that I figured I would be over by now. IT IS JUST SO UNFAIR. No matter how many times I say it, it is still true. I am frustrated that I don't get to have my 2 children and my great career and a loving husband. Now I am "the lady who's baby died" and I will never be the same. When will my concern about being fit and worrying about the small things matter again?

I didn't know I had anxiety...or at least it isn't always on the surface, but it rears it's head in my sleep. I dream of my family at a water park and Kai going into the water but too far for me to reach, that I haven't tightened his life jacket enough and he is flailing in the water. Of course I obsess about Kai. I know nothing is permanent and the death of my daughter has brought that vividly to the forefront of my consciousness.

Most of the time I am sad and angry that Camille died. I AM sad and angry that she is dead...but today, it was about me...about my life, about what I expected, what I lost, what I will never get back. I know it is self centered.... but FUCK my baby is dead and that is so much to be sad and angry about and I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I mourn my daughter, I mourn the life I lost, I mourn the family we will never be.