It's been a while. It's not that I don't have anything to say...there is plenty going on, I just feel frozen. Frozen with sadness that Camille should be1 year old next weekend. I have been a bundle of tears these past couple of weeks. Crying easily, sleepless nights...back in the pit of easy grief and Camille on my mind constantly.
I've been trying to keep busy. I have been organizing a card to send out for Camille's birthday, every time I would work on it I would freeze but I got it done. I couldn't get through it because nothing felt "good enough". I wish I wasn't sending out remembrance cards but was sending out birthday invitations....it's just supposed to be different.
Another thing I have been doing is painting rocks. I spoke with Angie over at Still Life with Circles...It was a huge challenge for me to reach out and make a phone call to another BLM but she was amazing and she told me that something that helped her deal with her grief was doing artwork. I do a lot of artwork with Kai, but not a lot myself, for myself. So...I went out and bought some paint and river rocks and started to do some art. It has been relaxing.
I don't watch a lot of TV. Right now I watch No TV...So I bought the first two seasons of Downton Abby and LOVE IT! When I can't sleep at night, which has been often, I will watch the show instead of crying in bed with my head running a million miles per hour. I only wish there were 15 more seasons.
I started going back to my grief counselor because I just couldn't do it on my own anymore. With the stress and anxiety of this pregnancy combined with my grief and Camille's birthday coming up, I just needed someone to talk to. I am so glad to be going again. I also signed up for a pregnancy after loss support group led by my therapist. It starts the Monday after Camille's birthday. I am hoping that this support group is better than the grief support group I went to previously which I dropped out of.
We have been busy with T-ball and swimming lessons for Kai and he just had his first golf lesson on Friday. Last week I covered a couple days for 2 of the other PT's I work with. Of course my belly and pregnancy and children come up in conversation a lot...it is hard because I am so emotional lately and Camille is on my mind constantly....She always is, but lately it is this heavy feeling. Trying to figure out how to acknowledge her and not open my heart for wounding words and comments is a tricky path to navigate.
I have gotten some emails because I haven't posted and I want everyone to know that even though I am in the thick of my grief again, I have not forgotten about yours. I think about writing all the time. More profound things than updates on my craft projects, but right now trying to articulate the tumultuous feelings swirling in my head and heart is very difficult.
I also really want to write a right where I am post but that will come soon.
If you would like me to include you in the mailing for Camille's birthday please email me your address.