About Me

My photo
My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

June Funk

It's been a while. It's not that I don't have anything to say...there is plenty going on, I just feel frozen. Frozen with sadness that Camille should be1 year old next weekend. I have been a bundle of tears these past couple of weeks. Crying easily, sleepless nights...back in the pit of easy grief and Camille on my mind constantly.

I've been trying to keep busy. I have been organizing a card to send out for Camille's birthday, every time I would work on it I would freeze but I got it done. I couldn't get through it because nothing felt "good enough". I wish I wasn't sending out remembrance cards but was sending out birthday invitations....it's just supposed to be different.

Another thing I have been doing is painting rocks. I spoke with Angie over at Still Life with Circles...It was a huge challenge for me to reach out and make a phone call to another BLM but she was amazing and she told me that something that helped her deal with her grief was doing artwork. I do a lot of artwork with Kai, but not a lot myself, for myself. So...I went out and bought some paint and river rocks and started to do some art. It has been relaxing.

I don't watch a lot of TV. Right now I watch No TV...So I bought the first two seasons of Downton Abby and LOVE IT! When I can't sleep at night, which has been often, I will watch the show instead of crying in bed with my head running a million miles per hour. I only wish there were 15 more seasons.

I started going back to my grief counselor because I just couldn't do it on my own anymore. With the stress and anxiety of this pregnancy combined with my grief and Camille's birthday coming up, I just needed someone to talk to. I am so glad to be going again. I also signed up for a pregnancy after loss support group led by my therapist. It starts the Monday after Camille's birthday.  I am hoping that this support group is better than the grief support group I went to previously which I dropped out of.

We have been busy with T-ball and swimming lessons for Kai and he just had his first golf lesson on Friday. Last week I covered a couple days for 2 of the other PT's I work with. Of course my belly and pregnancy and children come up in conversation a lot...it is hard because I am so emotional lately and Camille is on my mind constantly....She always is, but lately it is this heavy feeling. Trying to figure out how to acknowledge her and not open my heart for wounding words and comments is a tricky path to navigate.

I have gotten some emails because I haven't posted and I want everyone to know that even though I am in the thick of my grief again, I have not forgotten about yours. I think about writing all the time. More profound things than updates on my craft projects, but right now trying to articulate the tumultuous feelings swirling in my head and heart is very difficult.

I also really want to write a right where I am post but that will come soon.
If you would like me to include you in the mailing for Camille's birthday please email me your address.


  1. My heart is heavy for my Cale who should be turning 2 just a couple days before Camilles's birthday but especially heavy knowing how tough this milestone is for you - I think about her (and you) often as your hell began almost a year exactly after mine. It's so hard to wrap your head around the fact that this life isn't what it should be - and it just never will. But in the meantime I hope that you have some Peace reach you during this emotional time.

  2. Dear Renel,
    I'm glad you posted. I have also been heavy-feeling...and then the grief and rage has just come pouring out these last few days again. I feel like I'm back at the beginning in many ways, except I can hold it together in front of other people better. I would love to have a birthday card of Camille. Such a precious girl.

  3. FYI, I tried to click on email on your profile to give you my email but the link doesn't work.

  4. I've thought about looking for a support group, perhaps that would be better suited for what I need.
    I'm so sorry you aren't planning a birthday. I've been spending a significant amount of time in the land of "should" lately as well. So depressing here.
    I wish I had words to help, all I have to offer is I'm here. No matter what you want or need to write about.

  5. You've been on my mind, Renel. You and Camille. I wish i had more to say myself or at least the energy to attempt. Just know i'm keeping you both close to my heart!

  6. I am thinking of Camille and her wonderful family as her birthday approaches. What a great job you are doing at seeking out the support you need and finding helpful ways to channel grief. I'm impressed. And I'm so sorry this is what it is rather than what it should have been. Hugs to you my friend.

  7. I've also felt especially heavy these days, even when I'm doing exactly what I want like spending a beautiful day on the boat with my husband. It is so hard when things feel bad despite all the external good. I'm thinking about you!

    1. Agreed. That may be one of the most frustrating aspects. That all the old tricks that used to bring relief or make you feel better, even temporarily are rendered moot. It makes me feel helpless. Helpless to effect how I'm feeling, helpless to change the course of my day, helpless, helpless, helpless.

  8. Thinking of you as your Camille's birthday approaches. One year just seems unreal. It's crazy to me that in just a few short months Aiden's 2nd birthday will be here. Sending lot's of warm thoughts your way.

  9. I think about you often Renel. I get so much of what you say here, we're approaching Liam's 1st birthday too.

    Please know that i'm here, listening, reading, and always thinking about you and Camille.

    I will email you. Sending you so much love. xx

  10. I have slowed down my postings as well, I have forced my emotions inward with this pregnancy and tried so hard to avoid the grief. Jack's 2 yr birthday will be around when Severus is due, ugh I dont want to contimplate that. I wish there was something I could say that would make it better for you as well.I am thinking of you and Camille.xoxoxo

  11. It's just so unfair. This summer should be so very different for you and your family. You should be anticipating a 12-month check up, awed by how big Camille's getting and how bright she is. You should be planning a kid-laden birthday party. You should be juggling two little ones. I am so sorry that you are not experiencing these things.

    Hang in there and know you are not alone.

  12. Renel,
    I totally understand. These past few months I have had such a hard time writing what I feel. Everything just piled up to a point of boiling. One year seems so scary to me and I am right behind you. This is not how it was supposed to be for any of us. Painting sounds like a great idea. Something small and time consuming that will give you a place to concentrate. Love to you my friend. Thinking of your sweet Camille.

  13. I love that you keep playing words with friends with me, lets me know you're still ok! I think of you all the time, and especially these last weeks, in this huge build up to Camille's day.
    I would love to be in the mail out. I'll send you my address in a words game, if you are posting international.

  14. Thinking of you and Camille as you approach her first birthday. For me the build up to the day was way worse than the 1st anniversary itself. I really hope that is the case for you and that you are able to find some sort of peace.

    So many thoughts and hugs being sent your way.

  15. I definitely felt this way approaching our one year mark... and I felt horribly guilty about it given that we'd just been blessed with the birth of H... It is so so tough. Please be extra gentle on yourself. xx

  16. I've been thinking about you lately and totally get how you feel. Drew's second birthday is Camille's first. I thought I was doing okay and then this week started and I've just been really down. I'll be thinking about you as Saturday comes. It's a hard day, but I hope you make it through okay.

  17. I have been thinking of you and Camille. I felt so dark and ugly around Eliza's birthday. Truthfully, I had hoped that being pregnant again would make it easier, but it didn't. I hope you'll post the remembrance card here on your blog so we can see it without costing you a stamp? I hope your new support group goes well. I definitely get the hit-or-miss quality of those groups. I actually think they work best when they let you make one or two meaningful connections, and you often have to tolerate a lot of weirdness in the meantime (unlike the internet, you know, where we'll all so TOTALLY NORMAL AND ALSO REALLY COOL). Anyway, thinking of you. xo

  18. I'd love to see your river rocks. Are you going to post some pictures? Talking to you was amazing for me too. Three and a half years out and it is still comforting to hear the voice of another babylost mama, talking about things I feel too. It is so hard first anniversary and walking that road of anxiety and fear in a new pregnancy. The combination of those two things really was more than I could bear without alcohol. Sending you love, hope to talk again soon. xo

  19. Dear Renel,
    I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking about you as the weeks have passed. I thought something might be going terribly wrong with your pregnancy... and you just couldn't bear to talk about another loss - I'm so very relieved that my imagination was running away with some of my own fears, and nothing more.
    I found your blog a few months back and in turn, have followed other blogs because of your posts. I've come to know so many amazing women through blogs of self expression. It's really helped me validate my own feelings of sadness and depression following ladies such as yourself.
    When reading "rocking three" you expressed such a peaceful center, and I could cry remembering how wonderful and sad it made me feel all at once. Thank you for putting yourself out there.
    I got myself into counselling yesterday - I went with the same woman who visited me in the hospital after I delivered Alexander. She told me to call her any time. It took me almost 4 months to do it, but I finally did... and it felt great.
    I too would love to see your river rocks. I think it's such a valuable part of healing that you've been able to use your emotions in a creative, artistic way. I look forward to you sharing what you've been working on.
    I am thinking of you and Camille. I cannot imagine what a year feels like... but there are days for me when it feels like it only gets worse. I am 4 months out tomorrow.
    I am sending as much soft white comforting light as I possibly can to comfort you on that day.

  20. It's so hard to know what to say except to say that I wish for some moments of peace this coming weekend, for some of the funk to lift, the pressure to ease off...

  21. Looking forward to that card! I can't believe her birthday is almost here. I really have been thinking of you so often these days, Renel. I wish I'd thought enough ahead to send out a card for Calla's first birthday. That's a really great idea. Big hugs this week, and always.

  22. I got Camille's birthday card today!! SO beautiful and sweet, Renel! Thank you for including me. You are such an amazing momma to your baby girl. I'll be thinking of you and Camille on the 30th. Hugging you in my mind and heart. xoxo


I would love to hear what is on your mind