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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

A Time To Remember

For October 15th, Angel Babies puts on a "Time to Remember" with a candlelit walk and dove release. They read this:
With these doves,
We remember our infant loved ones who have died.
Death has forced us to let go of the children we would hold.
 As we let go of these doves we send forth a message.
To the community the message is:
Our babies were wanted, were real, are loved, and grieved, and remembered.
To one another as bereaved families the message is:
We are not alone. With support we survive and grow.
To our beloved children we have spoken of today the message is:
We remember you! We miss you! and most of all, we love you!

Last year I was angry I had to be there. I thought it was cheesy and lame. I was just really upset that my daughter was dead. I was only 3 months out from my loss. I still wish I didn't have to go to this. But....I am so glad they have something. I need something, and so I am grateful for the cheesy electric candles and the doves and the sad music sung by the man and women with guitars. I am thankful for the little name tags saying who we are remembering. I am grateful that they read each and every baby's name. I am grateful for something that allows us to publicly remember our children. I remember her everyday.

The balloon Papa, Kai and I wrote on for Camille

Papa and Kai Remembering (Harlow is on the blanket in front of them)

Our Wave of Light


  1. This was beautiful.
    Im so happy/relieved there are things like this held in communities around the world. I didn't go "looking" for anything outside of my home this year...but hopefully next year, I'll be able to venture out, and do the WORK, and take part with others...live...who have suffered this life changing loss.

    Your balloon was perfect. Just such a great shot. So much love with that sun setting in the background.

    I cannot repeat the sentiment enough, that it fills my heart with so much comfort that nights like this exist for us....I just still cannot believe I am walking this path along side so many wonderful people.

    Love to and yours Renel

  2. Great shot of your balloon. Just beautiful. Like sweet Camille

  3. <3 I sometimes resent the fact that my life brings me to events of remembrance. In my arrogance, I have felt like I didn't deserve to be there (as if it has anything to do with me). But I agree - it is a real gift that people create and offer these times to come together in a shared tragedy, and I'm grateful, too. The balloon is beautiful, and the day looks so beautiful, too.

  4. The photos are beautiful. I agree wholeheartedly with Veronica's sentiment. Why why why do I walk this path? And why oh why do all these wonderful people walk it along side me? I will never know the answer and I am so sorry that we walk together down this path, but I am also infinitely grateful to know and be surrounded by this great love.

  5. I hate that there have to be events like this at all... Too many lost babies, too many hearts broken, too many ruined lives... But like you, I'm glad that there is something for them. They deserve that at least.

  6. Beautiful pictures. Glad to know I'm not alone in my love/hate relationship for that kind of ceremony. (I'm always so desperately afraid that they will be super tacky, too, you know?)

  7. Those pictures are stunning. So thankful we have a time/place to remember our babies as well, but honestly. Hate that we even have to "remember" when we should be living with them daily.

  8. Camille, you are loved wanted real beautiful remembered always always always.

    Your Mother is like that, too.

    Thanks for always keeping it real, Renel.

    Black and twisty? But it doesn't hit me like that, when I - gladly - read a post or a comment of yours.

    I think you're just really, really honest. Honest, true, and brave. No nonsense - and I like it.

    Would you consider running for president? Elections, every which direction, make me sigh. But you don't.

    "Jealous of the naivety of bliss and joy without consequence," you are right about that, and many other things.



  9. Where I am there are no events of remembrance - though some friends are trying to start something - and while I think I would have the same love/hate relationship you describe with them, I sometimes wish so much that there were just a huge, huge event, something that could reflect the enormity of the impact of this grief, something that no one could ignore, somewhere that I could remember A as a real part of this world. Your photos are lovely.


I would love to hear what is on your mind