9 months

I miss Camille So incredibly much.

This week was hard. There is something about the dual lives that shadow each other. The one where my daughter is here and nine months old- this is the life I am supposed to be living. The other where she has been dead for the same amount of time that she was alive within me. It makes my throat cinch up and my breath get shallow.

I don't know how 9 months has passed. It seems like such a long and short period of time. I wonder in the crazy of my mind (although I don't believe in fate) if I was ever meant to have her. Sometimes it feels so inevitable that she would die. Maybe because she is dead. I wonder still how this was to be the existence I would lead. I know there are no answers to the whys and the wondering, but the questions swirl in my mind regardless. It feels as if there was never a chance for Camille to come home alive.

I know this is not true.
I know this is not true.
My reality has shifted towards a life in which she is dead. It is hard to see past that now. I love her regardless. I love her in spite of it. Death may have taken her, but it can not kill my love.

I just keep going. It is the best I can do. I grasp fiercely at the joy and love in my life.
Telling people I love them no longer seems arbitrary.

9 months has passed. I miss her so much. The missing has not changed. I doubt it ever will.