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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, December 30, 2011

6 months?...I swear it was yesterday

I woke up this morning at 2:30. I couldn't fall back to sleep. All I could do was think about Camille. I wasn't paying attention to the date but I think my body knew. Today it has been 6 months since Camille died. This fact is ingrained in my psyche. Whether I am consciously aware or not....my body remembers, my heart remembers. My mind may try to trick me, it may try and distract me, but my soul shivers with the remembrance of her soft skin and sweet smell. I ache for my daughter. The whole world continues to move on but it feels like I am in the twilight zone. I am standing in the middle, still and quiet. Everything around me goes in fast motion, whizzing by in fast forward to the point where I can't even really make out what is happening. And so time goes by, ticking by, as I pine and miss.

This morning we went for a walk, my son and I and collected some leaves, found a flower and picked another Camellia which we arranged on the table in our meditation room. I find myself gawking at my bad odds and wondering how in the world this happened. I miss my daughter. I wonder what she would look like and how my son and daughter would interact. I wish I could hug and kiss her. I feel at a loss for how to describe my hearts most wanted. It feels like I was in the hospital yesterday and at the same time, 6 months feels like an eternity without her.


I love you baby girl with all my heart.
I miss you with every breath.
I am so sorry I couldn't save you.

25 comments:

  1. She's a beauty. 6 months is such a short time, yet, as you say feels like you've been missing her forever. Sending love.

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  2. Thinking of you today--today's 18 months for us and 6 months for you. I remember how hard today was for me last year and am hoping you did okay.

    Looking back, I think the six month mark was a bit of a turning point for me. I was (and still am) still very sad, but it just felt like something changed (for the good, I guess?) at six months. I don't really know what changed at six months, but know that something did, just a little bit.

    I hope you're able to find a little peace today. The second year was easier than the first, but still sucked.

    Hugs to you.

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  3. She is beautiful. I want to write more but I don't really have the words to make you feel better. I will pray for you tonight Renel.

    ((Big hugs))

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  4. I just realized our daughters are just a few days apart - my Jolie was born on July 2,2011 - she lived for 4 hours.

    As I promised, I will include you and your family in my prayers - I know how you feel at this very moment.

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  5. Renel

    Sending you love and thinking of your sweet baby girl. She is beautiful.

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  6. Oh Renel, your gorgeous baby girl. She's just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing her picture with us. The twilight zone is a good way to describe it - as though a child dying blows a hole in the wall between life and death, and as a parent, you can't help but spend a lot of time standing in that doorway, at the spot where you parted. Sending love and thinking of you & Camille xxxxh

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  7. Gawking at my bad odds... That doesn't change (or at least it hasn't yet). Disbelief that this happened. How? Why? Wtf?!

    Months 6 thru 8 were the roughest on me I think. Hang in there.

    She is so sweet and beautiful. I'm so sorry we are in this together.

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  8. She is gorgeous, thank you for sharing her with us. Every month for the first year felt like a huge milestone for me. 2011 carries 4 months with Friday the 13th, the day Aiden was born, and I feel like each one will be felt with a heavy sense of loss for me.

    I'm so sorry you've had to endure 6 months without your beautiful girl. xo

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  9. She is beautiful. Thinking of you.

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  10. I know, gosh I know... and that time will just keep ticking feels so cruel. What a lovely little girl you made. What an injustice that she's gone - an inexplicable, senseless waste. Take it nice and easy on yourself. Thinking of you xx

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  11. Thinking of you and your sweet little girl today. She's so beautiful. Six months was brutal for me, too. Something about that amount of time having passed - long to the world but short to me - really hurt. Hugs.

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  12. She is beautiful. I'll be keeping Camille in my heart. xo

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  13. Wow is she beautiful and perfect. So sorry she's not here with you. 6 months is a hard enough milestone and then to have to add the holidays - it just makes it that much more tough. I was in your boat last year. And this year I feel especially sad for you. I have this sweet 6 month old boy who I'm so thankful for, but to think that he entered the world shortly before yours came crashing down. Just reminds me how unfair and fragile life is.

    Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter.

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  14. So beautiful. She.is.so.beautiful.

    I agree with Molly, months6-8 were really friggin hard.

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  15. Oh Renel.. my heart aches.. your daughter is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Sending you the biggest hug ever.. love and light.

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  16. What achingly salient words Renel. 6 months is so hard. Every day is so hard, but there's something about the 6 month mark. And then the 9 month mark and then 12 months.
    Camille is just so beautiful, she really is. thankyou so much for sharing the photos of her. I feel very blessed to have seen her pictures.
    I so wish you could hug and kiss her too. It's so unfair Renel. I'm always thinking of you, Camille and your little family. xxxx KT.

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  17. Renel, I've been missing from the blog world and it feels good yet when i come here somehow i feel better. The way we all of this horrible connection is comforting and i feel like i belong somewhere. Out in my world I feel all alone, like its been 6 months and i should have moved on by now. I should have said Merry Christmas and Happy New Year with such delight and exuberance, but no, those words to me felt empty. Like you said its engraved in our psyche! Here's to hoping for a better year, right?
    You can email me at molly@flutterbyizzyjanefoundation.org I would love hearing from you!

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  18. Oh and i can't even begin to tell you how beautiful Camille is! She is absolutely the cuttest baby i have seen! Her little button nose...oh i wish you were snuggling that face of heres, touching her hair and smiling with her! SO unfair!!!

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  19. "My body remembers, my heart remembers. . ." exactly.

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  20. Agreeing with so many others. Those middle months were extremely hard, as was the 1-year mark for me. Ridiculous I can even type that I've had a dead son for over a year.

    Your daughter is so lovely. It's so heartbreaking to know we knit these beautiful babies together and yet only have pictures to remember. Feeling your sorrow and hoping brighter days are ahead. With a huge side of grief, of course.

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  21. Renel I am just so sorry. These days come up and hit you. Though you never stop thinking of them, one day it's six months, one day it's a year, and it's still all so mind boggling.

    Camille is just so beautiful. I so wish she was bouncing on your lap with you and Kai.

    God, this is all so hard. Sending you lots of love for this new year and beyond. Lots of love and peace, friend.
    xo

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  22. "I am standing in the middle, still and quiet. Everything around me goes in fast motion." Can so relate to this. I feel this every day, everything continues around me yet I stand still, I still remember, I still grieve, I still hurt.

    I'm yet to reach the 6 month mark, I still wonder when I'll stop counting weeks...

    My thoughts are with you.

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  23. I'll never forget the six month mark. I was at the volcanoes in Hawaii and it just hit me how very wrong it was for me to be there, and not at home looking after my baby.
    Camille is such a beautiful baby girl. It is so very wrong and fucked up she's not here.
    xo

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  24. Your dearest baby girl. Thank you for sharing her photo. She is so lovely. My heart breaks for you, Renel.

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  25. Oh my goodness she is lovely, she has such precious almost elfin features.
    Thinking of you Renel xx. Much love

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