My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
I woke up this morning at 2:30. I couldn't fall back to sleep. All I could do was think about Camille. I wasn't paying attention to the date but I think my body knew. Today it has been 6 months since Camille died. This fact is ingrained in my psyche. Whether I am consciously aware or not....my body remembers, my heart remembers. My mind may try to trick me, it may try and distract me, but my soul shivers with the remembrance of her soft skin and sweet smell. I ache for my daughter. The whole world continues to move on but it feels like I am in the twilight zone. I am standing in the middle, still and quiet. Everything around me goes in fast motion, whizzing by in fast forward to the point where I can't even really make out what is happening. And so time goes by, ticking by, as I pine and miss.
This morning we went for a walk, my son and I and collected some leaves, found a flower and picked another Camellia which we arranged on the table in our meditation room. I find myself gawking at my bad odds and wondering how in the world this happened. I miss my daughter. I wonder what she would look like and how my son and daughter would interact. I wish I could hug and kiss her. I feel at a loss for how to describe my hearts most wanted. It feels like I was in the hospital yesterday and at the same time, 6 months feels like an eternity without her.