The Cards

The Christmas cards are coming in...maybe 3 per day. I have gotten pictures of families, with statements of Merry... and Happy...., but not one note about Camille or even "We are thinking of you" or "it must be hard for you right now" or "thinking of Camille", instead I get pictures of babies just born (what makes these people think I want to see their children?) One Christmas card not only was Merry... with no mention of Camille, it was also a pregnancy announcement. To me these people are either clueless or just assholes.

I know that people not sending a card may be hurtful as well, but how hard is it to write a note? I understand that people don't know what to say but.... I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Celebrating the holidays is tricky when you have another little person (my son) to participate with. We still put up a tree and listen to music, decorate and buy presents...but this is done without the merriment that should be going on in our home. Having another child does not give you the option to just check out.

Last weekend we went to Disneyland. We told my son if he pooped in the toilet we would take him. I believe in following through with my promises. He doesn't really know about Disney movies yet at almost 3 years old his indoctrination is limited...but he knows about Winnie the pooh and mickey mouse. I haven't been since I was 9, I don't have a real sentimental attachment to it, but what an amazing place it is. The decorations were beautiful and over the top. We could only ride really innocent rides because Kai scared easily. We smiled a lot and enjoyed our family time. It was a nice vacation.

The thing is I choose happiness every day. I laugh and I enjoy. I smile and I love. I try and conjure positivity because there is so much anger and sadness swelling in my soul along with the missing and heart break....but I am so glad I am alive and my family is alive...I just wish Camille was too. I choose happiness but it doesn't mean I am not sad, devastated. I cry, today was a bad day after a week of pretty good or so-so. I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice, looking down into a dark abyss constantly teetering on the edge of despair. I can't fall, I refuse to fall. I already know what it feels to go crazy for hours sometimes days on end. I have to be present and continue to live. My mother did this for us when my brother died. She did a damn good job. I remember laughter and joy with her and now I better understand her sadness and her tears. I don't judge my mother the way I used to, because now I understand. I wonder if she ever said to me or my brothers, "I am sad because I miss your brother, I miss Skipper." Like I say to Kai when he asks me why I am sad, I say "because I miss Camille and wish she was here with us. "

I have been away from the computer, my computer is broken, my husbands laptop (what I am typing on) is available at night. I kept thinking the break from the Internet would be good, maybe I wouldn't dwell so much. but....when my daughter is dead...there is no control, I dwell, how do I not. She is my breath and my heart and I miss her with all I am. I came back and started reading some blogs last night and I felt immediately comforted and simultaneously sad. I cry for others because there are so few I connect with who truly understand the anguish that we feel as baby loss parents. Thank you to all of those who sent me emails and sent me love. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.