About Me

My photo
My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Cards

The Christmas cards are coming in...maybe 3 per day. I have gotten pictures of families, with statements of Merry... and Happy...., but not one note about Camille or even "We are thinking of you" or "it must be hard for you right now" or "thinking of Camille", instead I get pictures of babies just born (what makes these people think I want to see their children?) One Christmas card not only was Merry... with no mention of Camille, it was also a pregnancy announcement. To me these people are either clueless or just assholes.

I know that people not sending a card may be hurtful as well, but how hard is it to write a note? I understand that people don't know what to say but.... I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Celebrating the holidays is tricky when you have another little person (my son) to participate with. We still put up a tree and listen to music, decorate and buy presents...but this is done without the merriment that should be going on in our home. Having another child does not give you the option to just check out.

Last weekend we went to Disneyland. We told my son if he pooped in the toilet we would take him. I believe in following through with my promises. He doesn't really know about Disney movies yet at almost 3 years old his indoctrination is limited...but he knows about Winnie the pooh and mickey mouse. I haven't been since I was 9, I don't have a real sentimental attachment to it, but what an amazing place it is. The decorations were beautiful and over the top. We could only ride really innocent rides because Kai scared easily. We smiled a lot and enjoyed our family time. It was a nice vacation.

The thing is I choose happiness every day. I laugh and I enjoy. I smile and I love. I try and conjure positivity because there is so much anger and sadness swelling in my soul along with the missing and heart break....but I am so glad I am alive and my family is alive...I just wish Camille was too. I choose happiness but it doesn't mean I am not sad, devastated. I cry, today was a bad day after a week of pretty good or so-so. I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice, looking down into a dark abyss constantly teetering on the edge of despair. I can't fall, I refuse to fall. I already know what it feels to go crazy for hours sometimes days on end. I have to be present and continue to live. My mother did this for us when my brother died. She did a damn good job. I remember laughter and joy with her and now I better understand her sadness and her tears. I don't judge my mother the way I used to, because now I understand. I wonder if she ever said to me or my brothers, "I am sad because I miss your brother, I miss Skipper." Like I say to Kai when he asks me why I am sad, I say "because I miss Camille and wish she was here with us. "

I have been away from the computer, my computer is broken, my husbands laptop (what I am typing on) is available at night. I kept thinking the break from the Internet would be good, maybe I wouldn't dwell so much. but....when my daughter is dead...there is no control, I dwell, how do I not. She is my breath and my heart and I miss her with all I am. I came back and started reading some blogs last night and I felt immediately comforted and simultaneously sad. I cry for others because there are so few I connect with who truly understand the anguish that we feel as baby loss parents. Thank you to all of those who sent me emails and sent me love. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.


  1. Last Christmas we hardly received any Christmas cards. It was quite strange. Out of the cards we did get, only 1 included a mention of our son. People just don't know what to do so many of them choose to do nothing.

  2. I am so sorry you have to spend the holiday's without your beautiful daughter...you are doing a wonderful job of providing love and laughter for your son and still mourning for your daughter. It is such a tricky balance and I believe it really does take its toll on us after awhile...grief is so damn exhausting!!!

    Thinking of you through the holidays!!!

  3. The same thing happened last year with the Christmas cards... No mention of Hayes and how difficult the season was. One specifically wrote a note, so i thought FINALLY when I saw the writing... Only to read: "I hope you have a fun Christmas! Love, xx, xx, and baby xx" ( pregnancy announcement). Really?! Fun??? Also she had already told be about her pregnancy so she could have left that part off of mine. I never spoke to that girl again.

    This year, still no mention but that was expected. What I didn't expect was to open a card from someone I barely know and see a birth announcement! I didn't even know this girl had been pg! That was a slap in the face to show me just how long it has been since Hayes was with me--she grew and give birth to a whole (live, of course) baby in the meantime. F!!!!!

    I know what you mean about having to make the effort for Kai. We did that last year w sloane and things turned out ok. It was really hard but we kept to ourselves and had a small family Christmas which actually turned out to be a nice day. I just couldn't do the normal stuff my first year though so just do what feels right to you. Will be thinking of you!! Merry (?), how about as merry as possible, Christmas!

  4. It must be a particular kind of bittersweet to celebrate with your son and miss your daughter so much. My husband and I are boycotting and ignoring the holidays this year, but obviously you don't have that option since it wouldn't be fair to Kai. I'm sorry that the Christmas cards you're receiving are so insensitive. We've gotten very few cards this year. I think perhaps since Eliza's birthday is so close to Christmas people are a little more sensitive, but then instead of sending a nice note they just ignore us entirely. Sigh. It blows my mind that compassion is a foreign concept to so many people. I get that they "can't imagine" what we're going through, but really? How hard is it to think about how you'd feel in a similar situation, and how you'd like people to respond to you?

    Sending you light and peace as you get through the holidays. May next year be much, much merrier.

  5. Good for you for choosing happiness. It's not an obvious easy or simple choice for us, but I think it's a brave one. I just wish it weren't such a daily marathon to follow through.

    We are getting those cards, too - lots of Merry... with exclamation points. Only one so far has alluded to Elizabeth in a round-about way. Frankly, I'm shocked by people's lack of common sense. I'm considering sending/posting this link to friends and family:


    And I LOVE Disney (we live in SoCal) and look forward to the day when we are up for going there again. I'm sure Kai will never forget his first time :) and I'm so glad you had a good trip.

  6. G saved me last Christmas, and it seems she will do it again this year. If it weren't for her I'd ignore every holiday and everyone with cheer. But I am eternally grateful for her, and seeing these experiences through her eyes keep me afloat when I want nothing more than to sink.
    Thinking of you, your husband, and both your babies.

  7. No mention of Andrew on Christmas cards either. Well, we've only received 5 and I thought that was too many. Thankfully, people get the hint at our house since we have no tree or ANYTHING up. I've made it clear on the blog that we aren't participating this year. I need to wait until there is something more cheery in my life that makes it worthwhile (like another child). I understand celebrations for Kai as he totally deserves and would do the same if I had other children at home.

    I'm sorry people are insensitive. I don't even come close to understanding it. My guess is that they want to help us move on (or not be sad? Hah) by not mentioning our babies. All it does is make us sad and anger us. Just a simple, "Wishing Camille was here" would suffice. :(

  8. I just wanted to send you some blog love to let you know that I understand. This time of year is so difficult- especially when we are faced with the multitude of other people's happiness.
    Sending love and light... and remembering Camille with you.

  9. Hey friend, I've missed hearing (reading?) your voice. This time of year is a real festival of suck, and it's hard to keep slapping that smile on your face when all you want to do is cry. You are an amazing, strong mom. Kai is a lucky little guy. How I wish Camille was there with you in your arms. It is so supremely unfair.

    It is astounding and sad and pathetic that people can't get their shit together to simply say I'm sorry, I know this must be hard for you, I love you . . . I don't get it.

    Sending love your way. xo

  10. At the start of December I posted on facebook that John and I wished to be excluded from all Christmas card and gift lists, and we asked people to just donate to charity instead. We're just so fed up of people letting us down - time and time again. It's surprising how effective that message was - we've only got 3 cards that slipped through the net. I think people were probably relived to not have to think about us.

    I know it's different for you and that you have to tough it out for Kai, but maybe, once Christmas is done, you could have a little bonfire and get rid of all those thoughtless cards - I imagine it'd be quite satisfying to watch all those cheesy exclamation marks burn!

  11. I totally checked out in 2008. Hope had only been dead four months and in my little universe, I totally cancelled Christmas. While it sucked, I appreciate that I was able to do that. No family members had kids either, so it made it really easy.
    Thinking of you. It must be so hard to strike a balance.

  12. I don't know if it's easier or harder, having an older child to care for after a baby dies. I only know it the way you know it--with the older son. I suppose for me it was good because it forced some level of "normalcy" in my life, otherwise I would have shut down completely. I vaguely remember the Christmas after Addison died (I was less than 2 months out), but I know I didn't feel joy. Frankly, that joy is only starting to show itself lately. Human nature is funny. You realize that people really can't feel or understand your pain. I think it's nature's way of protecting us from harmful emotions because they're almost unbearable. They can't understand what you're going through, and most people don't really want to try. And the pain in the ass for me is that, at 26 months out (but who's counting?), people completely forget about and/or ignore the fact that you had a child who died. They figure you're over it or something. Now I'm rambling, but I want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I hope your holiday doesn't suck :-)

  13. I can't believe that you received those cards, and a pregnancy announcement?!
    I'm finding there are fewer and fewer people mentioning Liam's name or who understand how much the holidays are stinging. I can see that people think that I should be over my sadness because it's nearly 5 months since Liam died... I just want to honor my son in every way possible this Christmas, have some turkey, some wine and call it a night.
    Thinking of you and Camille.

  14. We've been receiving Christmas cards every day, too, but no one wrote anything about Aidan. I really feel like they don't know what to say or how to act, but what am I to do? Yell and them and command them to acknowledge that he's dead? We got a pregnancy announcement too, but I already knew she was pregnant.. the week I found out about that was just swell.
    I'm glad you had a good time at Disneyland. Live for those happy moments.
    Thinking of you.


I would love to hear what is on your mind