I haven't posted in a couple weeks...it has been really rough for me lately. Crying like I was when Camille first died minus the numbness and disorientation. It will be 5 months since Camille died on the 30th. I remember reading other baby loss blogs about how between 4-6 months it can get really hard again. Well I am in it. I tried to prepare for this, thinking...maybe that won't be the case for me. I was wrong. It all feels like yesterday. I feel so far from my daughter...so fucking far away, and at the same time it feels so raw and fresh and immediate.
I am one of those people who remembers their dreams. I never dreamt of my baby when I was pregnant with Camille. Maybe because I didn't know if she was a boy or girl, maybe because I knew she wouldn't live (just a strange thought I have). What is really frustrating to me is that I have never dreamt of Camille since she died. With all the pain of not having her I am suprised that she is not constantly present in my dreams. I wish I could conjure her, even if only in my dreams. It feels so unfair not to have her in real life OR in my dreams..
Last night I had a dream....no, it was a nightmare. I dreamt I was pregnant. I didn't see myself pregnant, but I knew I was pregnant. My friend in real life who had her son 6 weeks after Camille was born was also in my dream. In this dream there were twins. They had been separated as embryos. One was given to this girlfriend , and one was given to me. We were pregnant at the same time...again. On the ultrasound it was clearly visible that there were pieces of my daughter that were missing. pieces of flesh and bone... they told me that she wasn't going to live. My best friend who was there for Camilles birth was in my dream and I was crying at her, saying: "I can't do this again" my child was going to die and I couldn't stand it. My friend's baby, the other twin, was fine....OF COURSE. This has been the first dream about my loss and my anxiety about subsequent loss. Maybe it is from reading other blogs or from reading that article about the mother who recently had a hospital error that killed the healthy twin and the unhealthy one died. UGH....I couldn't get out of bed until after 10am this morning. I cried and cried. I am just a mess.
I broke down at work the other day. My coworker brought her newborn daughter in to the clinic. I didn't see the woman but I saw our receptionist holding a baby and I just knew. I went back into my office to finish up documentation on my charts and just started balling. I didn't really expect it. It's just that it is supposed to be me, showing off my daughter to my staff and letting people ooh and awe over her. Instead it is someone else. Someone who we didn't even know was pregnant while I am broken to pieces crying in my office. It is just too much.
The holidays don't really seem to be fazing me. I don't feel any more sad during the holidays. I feel DESPERATELY sad, EVERY single breath I take. We took our son to see the muppet movie...which he didn't like and then went with some friends out for dinner. It was fine. I have never gone out to eat for thanksgiving....I don't care. I am not feeling particularly festive.
Brook wrote about Jackie Kennedy and I have been so moved by her story. I have been telling everyone about it. I called my mom and was crying about Jackie Kennedy. I am sad for her personal tradegy while living mine. So yeah.... that is where I am right now. Feeling supper low, heart crushingly sad. MISSING, just so much missing of Camille. Tears and heartache.
Oh and what am I thankful for? besides the people who are LIVING...Phew, I am thnakful that my son is now pooping in the toilet!