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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Two Weeks With No Post???

I haven't posted in a couple weeks...it has been really rough for me lately. Crying like I was when Camille first died minus the numbness and disorientation. It will be 5 months since Camille died on the 30th. I remember reading other baby loss blogs about how between 4-6 months it can get really hard again. Well I am in it. I tried to prepare for this, thinking...maybe that won't be the case for me. I was wrong. It all feels like yesterday. I feel so far from my daughter...so fucking far away, and at the same time it feels so raw and fresh and immediate.

I am one of those people who remembers their dreams. I never dreamt of my baby when I was pregnant with Camille. Maybe because I didn't know if she was a boy or girl, maybe because I knew she wouldn't live (just a strange thought I have). What is really frustrating to me is that I have never dreamt of Camille since she died. With all the pain of not having her I am suprised that she is not constantly present in my dreams. I wish I could conjure her, even if only in my dreams. It feels so unfair not to have her in real life OR in my dreams..
Last night I had a dream....no, it was a nightmare. I dreamt I was pregnant. I didn't see myself pregnant, but I knew I was pregnant. My friend in real life who had her son 6 weeks after Camille was born was also in my dream. In this dream there were twins. They had been separated as embryos. One was given to this girlfriend , and one was given to me. We were pregnant at the same time...again. On the ultrasound it was clearly visible that there were pieces of my daughter that were missing. pieces of flesh and bone... they told me that she wasn't going to live. My best friend who was there for Camilles birth was in my dream and I was crying at her, saying: "I can't do this again" my child was going to die and I couldn't stand it. My friend's baby, the other twin, was fine....OF COURSE. This has been the first dream about my loss and my anxiety about subsequent loss. Maybe it is from reading other blogs or from reading that article about the mother who recently had a hospital error that killed the healthy twin and the unhealthy one died. UGH....I couldn't get out of bed until after 10am this morning. I cried and cried. I am just a mess.

I broke down at work the other day. My coworker brought her newborn daughter in to the clinic. I didn't see the woman but I saw our receptionist holding a baby and I just knew. I went back into my office to finish up documentation on my charts and just started balling. I didn't really expect it. It's just that it is supposed to be me, showing off my daughter to my staff and letting people ooh and awe over her. Instead it is someone else. Someone who we didn't even know was pregnant while I am broken to pieces crying in my office. It is just too much.

The holidays don't really seem to be fazing me. I don't feel any more sad during the holidays. I feel DESPERATELY sad, EVERY single breath I take. We took our son to see the muppet movie...which he didn't like and then went with some friends out for dinner. It was fine. I have never gone out to eat for thanksgiving....I don't care. I am not feeling particularly festive.

Brook wrote about Jackie Kennedy and I have been so moved by her story. I have been telling everyone about it. I called my mom and was crying about Jackie Kennedy. I am sad for her personal tradegy while living mine. So yeah.... that is where I am right now. Feeling supper low, heart crushingly sad. MISSING, just so much missing of Camille. Tears and heartache.

Oh and what am I thankful for? besides the people who are LIVING...Phew, I am thnakful that my son is now pooping in the toilet!

15 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to read of your loss. I lost my first born, my baby girl Jolie on July 2,2011 - I know what you're going through. When I was pregnant, I dreamed of my baby maybe once or twice - but I always dreamt of a baby boy since I didn't know her gender at the time. Since her passing, I dreamt of her maybe 3 times the first couple of weeks, but I never see her anymore. Sometimes I wonder why - but my husband tells me it's because she's resting.

    Wishing you and your family the best :)

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  2. Hah. What a fabulous way to end that post.

    The mid-year mark is hard. I can't even believe I'm typing that at just a week-ish before Andrew's one-year. It's really been a year since I held my dead child? Wow. But, I was also miscarrying at my mid-year point, so I was definitely hitting a massive low. I understand that for sure. I'm sorry this is hard. I have said "I'm sorry" so many times in the last 355 days of my life. I say it because I truly am sorry that this is so impossibly hard.

    We had pizza for dinner last night. So far, the holiday crap hasn't been too hard on me either, but maybe because I'm boycotting it and sort of feeling righteous about the whole thing. Stockings? Psh. Tree? Too much work. Lights? I'd rather wash my car. Whatever makes us feel like we're getting through as best we can.

    Your dream/nightmare sounds awful. The worst kind of awful that our minds continue to torture us with these moments of evil. :(

    Hoping you are given a reprieve soon-- because we know the pain and sorrow won't end. But at the very least, maybe it can disperse itself a bit in smaller chunks.

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  3. Yay for pooping in the toilet! Wish that my dd would even contemplate doing the same.

    I'm so sorry, that time period is very hard. What a horrible, scary dream as well. Ick. I had read that same story, it was awful.

    Oh and that little girl at work, oh that must have stung when it might have been you and Camille. Hang on in there xoxo

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  4. I've missed you! :) glad you are back!

    Whoot whoot! Go Kai!! :)

    It's funny that you brought up Jackie O.
    I found out about her losses a few weeks ago and it blew my mind.
    How could this have happened to her and I didn't know about it until after I lost my son?
    The amount of loss that Jackie faced is heartbreaking.

    I have had some anxiety dreams about "the baby" but it has not been Truman. It's weird but i feel the difference and i just erase the dream from my mind once i wake up.

    I am so sorry that you are feeling that crushing emotion again. I'm thinking about you and Camille. xo

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  5. I remember dreaming that I was pregnant and knowing the baby was dead-I dreamed of that horrible heavy, empty feeling and would wake up in an all-out panic. You dream sounds terrifying--dammit, can we get no relief even in sleep?!

    Go Kai go! Pooping in the potty is something for which to be oh so grateful! Even when so much else sucks, NOT having to constantly wipe someone else's ass is pretty rad.

    Love to you, friend.
    xo

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  6. Five/six months was really brutal for me, I think because I just expected things to be EASIER already. I also hoped to be pregnant again and THAT wasn't happening. It was a really hard time.

    I expected all the holiday stuff to be SO hard this year and, like you, I find that it doesn't much matter. I'm sad anyway. Who cares what's going on in the world around me?

    But I promise it does get a little easier. Just keep breathing.

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  7. Glad you're back. I too found 5-6 months awful. Just. plain. awful.

    But, I can honestly say, now that we have passed the 6 month mark my mood is not quite so low anymore. I know that Christmas is looming and that that will be another challenge for us, but I have a few weeks until then, and I hope they will be easier to deal with. I think it's as I've read elsewhere - the first year is just about survival - getting through all those firsts - the first Christmas, birthday, Mother's day etc etc.
    I hate it, and I'd give anything to not have to go through this - as I know you would - but hopefully, time will take the edge off the pain... here's hoping anyway...xx

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  8. I too have never had a dream (at least that I can remember) about Cale. And I wish so much that I would. I feel like I should too - like I'm a bad mother for not being able to at least dream about him! so sorry you are having a rough time. If it's any consolation (is it ever?) I felt that the 6-9 month window was a lot easier to handle than I thought it would be. Thinking of your and your little girl. . .

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  9. So sorry to hear that you feel so low at the moment... I didn't realise it was going to get harder after losing Gabrielle and then the 4-6 month time hit. My heart is with you always xoxo

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  10. wow i loved reading about Jackie Kennedy! Thank you for sharing!
    I too have had a haaarrrrddd time especially in "celebrating" the holidays!

    but yea for toilets!

    xoxo

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  11. It will get better again...grief is such a bitch.

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  12. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hoping you are having some gentler days.

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  13. Hi Renel,
    Sending you love, thinking of you and Camille tonight. xoxo

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  14. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Camille is such a beautiful name.
    I lost my son on August 6, 2011 and like you, it feels like it was just yesterday. I thought that I would be dreading the holidays too but really, I just don't care. I don't want to pretend to be happy and I'm hoping that my family doesn't expect me to either.
    Wishing your Camille were with you. Thinking of you both.

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  15. I have no excitment for the coming hollidays everything is so blah now. I know grief is hard and sometimes we want to pour our hearts out and other times we just shut down and cant, or just feel like not talking at all. I am thinking of you and Camille.xo

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