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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Because The Universe Can Be A Bitch Like That

I started back to work today. It went really well. I had all new evaluations and the paper work is already stacking up. I enjoyed my work, I smiled, I helped, all my patient's are actually pretty cool...(not assholes like they can be), I got to see people I care about. It was a positive day.

The receptionist told me some news right before my first patient: One of the aides not only was pregnant but HAD her baby 2 weeks ago!!! WTF...that means she was pregnant while I was working there, when Camille died, and pregnant when I came in to say hello to people before returning to work a month ago. NO ONE TOLD ME! and yes, she had a girl. OF COURSE SHE DID. She even hugged me when I came in last time. I didn't even know she was pregnant. She is a little chunky but I don't know if I was too caught up in my grief to notice or what. I understand why she didn't say anything that day. I am saying hi to everyone for the first time since my daughter died and I am crying....probly not the best time to drop the news but....I do have a phone.

Then I find out her daughter is at the hospital because she has some kidney problems and who knows what else. My heart shifts and I am hoping everything is okay for them. I text messaged her and told her I was thinking of her... she will be returning to work and I can not afford for any uncomfortable feelings to be there. Sigh. It just sucks. I am doing well, thinking work will be good, and then I get news like this. I just can't seem to catch a break.


  1. Glad most of the first day back went well. It's hard going back to your old routine when you're not the same person anymore.

    Before--and after--your coworker comes back, just take care of you. Take breaks if you need them, ask for help and leave early if you need to! Just ease back into it, because you'll have good days and bad days, so just let yourself have both :)

    Thinking of you and hoping today goes even better :)

  2. So many complicated feelings about other babies. Especially baby girls. I still feel that way sometimes, but it does get easier. Sorry you got that bomb on your first day back.

  3. Going back to work is hard no matter what, but pregnant co-workers sting a lot! It sucks that we are the ones who always have to end up compromising, accommodating our grief, making other people feel more comfortable with our tragedy.

    Hopefully today was a little easier on you

  4. Lovely to hear that going back to work was OK... but hearing news like that must have been so hard. I find news of newborn baby girls so hard even now... more than 18 months down the track. No-one could ever have explained to me how complicated and difficult grief can be. Thinking of you and hope each day gets easier and easier. Love always xoxo

  5. So brave going back. I can only imagine how tough this must be, knowing it should all be so very, very different. Thinking of Camille.

  6. Work.... I hate it! I don't want do it! I wish so badly you could just have Camille with you! sending you loves!

  7. Sometimes people really think they are helping by failing to tell you about things to 'protect' you... To me, it seems so obvious, if you had known in advance of going back, then you could have mentally prepared yourself.
    Well done on going back to work - that is such a brave thing to do. I hope that it gets easier as you go along.

  8. I'm glad work is going well for you--it feels good to be in a routine, if nothing else. People are so weird, aren't they? Like, come on. But I'll be thinking of that little baby and hoping right along with them.

    And, of course, thinking of you and sending you love as you navigate this new phase.
    xo, friend.

  9. It's really hard for me to be around baby girls too. They're still adorable, and I still want to smile at them, but it's also really painful. Talking to my sister on the phone is excruciating because I can hear my precious 2-yr-old niece in the background.

    I'm sure your coworkers were just trying to protect you. The problem is they can't, and when they tried it kind of just made things worse.

    Going back to work must be tough, but it may also be an important part of your healing process.

    Sending love and hugs your way and thinking of you often. xoxo

  10. Hi Renel, just saw your comment on Angie's post and hoped you're doing okay. 4-5 months was hard for me too - I do think the reality was really still sinking in for me at that stage. Meanwhile, everyone has run out of things to say and is ready to talk about something else... Just know that it is all part of the process of parenting your daughter, even if that feels like a cruel joke at times. Sending love, xxxh


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