Two Weeks With No Post???

I haven't posted in a couple weeks...it has been really rough for me lately. Crying like I was when Camille first died minus the numbness and disorientation. It will be 5 months since Camille died on the 30th. I remember reading other baby loss blogs about how between 4-6 months it can get really hard again. Well I am in it. I tried to prepare for this, thinking...maybe that won't be the case for me. I was wrong. It all feels like yesterday. I feel so far from my daughter...so fucking far away, and at the same time it feels so raw and fresh and immediate.

I am one of those people who remembers their dreams. I never dreamt of my baby when I was pregnant with Camille. Maybe because I didn't know if she was a boy or girl, maybe because I knew she wouldn't live (just a strange thought I have). What is really frustrating to me is that I have never dreamt of Camille since she died. With all the pain of not having her I am suprised that she is not constantly present in my dreams. I wish I could conjure her, even if only in my dreams. It feels so unfair not to have her in real life OR in my dreams..
Last night I had a dream....no, it was a nightmare. I dreamt I was pregnant. I didn't see myself pregnant, but I knew I was pregnant. My friend in real life who had her son 6 weeks after Camille was born was also in my dream. In this dream there were twins. They had been separated as embryos. One was given to this girlfriend , and one was given to me. We were pregnant at the same time...again. On the ultrasound it was clearly visible that there were pieces of my daughter that were missing. pieces of flesh and bone... they told me that she wasn't going to live. My best friend who was there for Camilles birth was in my dream and I was crying at her, saying: "I can't do this again" my child was going to die and I couldn't stand it. My friend's baby, the other twin, was fine....OF COURSE. This has been the first dream about my loss and my anxiety about subsequent loss. Maybe it is from reading other blogs or from reading that article about the mother who recently had a hospital error that killed the healthy twin and the unhealthy one died. UGH....I couldn't get out of bed until after 10am this morning. I cried and cried. I am just a mess.

I broke down at work the other day. My coworker brought her newborn daughter in to the clinic. I didn't see the woman but I saw our receptionist holding a baby and I just knew. I went back into my office to finish up documentation on my charts and just started balling. I didn't really expect it. It's just that it is supposed to be me, showing off my daughter to my staff and letting people ooh and awe over her. Instead it is someone else. Someone who we didn't even know was pregnant while I am broken to pieces crying in my office. It is just too much.

The holidays don't really seem to be fazing me. I don't feel any more sad during the holidays. I feel DESPERATELY sad, EVERY single breath I take. We took our son to see the muppet movie...which he didn't like and then went with some friends out for dinner. It was fine. I have never gone out to eat for thanksgiving....I don't care. I am not feeling particularly festive.

Brook wrote about Jackie Kennedy and I have been so moved by her story. I have been telling everyone about it. I called my mom and was crying about Jackie Kennedy. I am sad for her personal tradegy while living mine. So yeah.... that is where I am right now. Feeling supper low, heart crushingly sad. MISSING, just so much missing of Camille. Tears and heartache.

Oh and what am I thankful for? besides the people who are LIVING...Phew, I am thnakful that my son is now pooping in the toilet!

Because The Universe Can Be A Bitch Like That

I started back to work today. It went really well. I had all new evaluations and the paper work is already stacking up. I enjoyed my work, I smiled, I helped, all my patient's are actually pretty cool...(not assholes like they can be), I got to see people I care about. It was a positive day.

The receptionist told me some news right before my first patient: One of the aides not only was pregnant but HAD her baby 2 weeks ago!!! WTF...that means she was pregnant while I was working there, when Camille died, and pregnant when I came in to say hello to people before returning to work a month ago. NO ONE TOLD ME! and yes, she had a girl. OF COURSE SHE DID. She even hugged me when I came in last time. I didn't even know she was pregnant. She is a little chunky but I don't know if I was too caught up in my grief to notice or what. I understand why she didn't say anything that day. I am saying hi to everyone for the first time since my daughter died and I am crying....probly not the best time to drop the news but....I do have a phone.

Then I find out her daughter is at the hospital because she has some kidney problems and who knows what else. My heart shifts and I am hoping everything is okay for them. I text messaged her and told her I was thinking of her... she will be returning to work and I can not afford for any uncomfortable feelings to be there. Sigh. It just sucks. I am doing well, thinking work will be good, and then I get news like this. I just can't seem to catch a break.

Therapeutic?

Well my son said he wanted to draw today. We do art ALL the time...so we got out his pad and he asked for a pen said he was going to draw his family. Then he hands me a pen and asked me to draw baby Camille. UGH...um yeah I know it is good to draw and talk about your feelings and all but drawing a picture of your dead baby girl is just well a little strange. Sooooo I asked what she looked like and he said a baby. I asked if she had hair or a hat and he said curly hair, and he said she was holding flowers. Yeah I did show him the pictures the hospital took of her and they put little crocheted flowers in her hands. SIGH...I turned to my mother who was sitting there doing art work and said...Um I don't know about this whole draw your dead baby thing. And we just laughed. She said well maybe it is therapeutic :) I did draw Camille but she is smiling and her eyes are open and she is alive. She may be dead in real life but I refuse to draw her that way. I may be tempted to put little X's across her eyes or something and that wouldn't be very good. I REALLY regret not having Kai meet his sister. I kind of wanted him to but my husband didn't. We talked about it and decided against it. I think it was the wrong decision. My son would have got it. Children are so intelligent and intuitive. It's not fair we got to say goodbye and he didn't. He was really looking forward to having a sibling and I think telling him and not showing him was a mistake. DANG IT~ No Do-Overs!

A Poem

When you lose someone you love,

Your life becomes strange,

The ground beneath you becomes fragile,

Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;

And some dead echo drags your voice down

Where words have no confidence

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;

And though this loss has wounded others too,

No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret

For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;

Again inside the fullness of life,

Until the moment breaks

And you are thrown back

Onto the black tide of loss.

Days when you have your heart back,

You are able to function well

Until in the middle of work or encounter,

Suddenly with no warning,

You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.

All you can depend on now is that

Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.

More than you, it knows its way

And will find the right time

To pull and pull the rope of grief

Until that coiled hill of tears

Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;

And when the work of grief is done,

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

And be able to enter the hearth

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.

~John O’Donohue