The Email

I was really devastated the entire next day after my conversation regarding the "theoretical child" I stayed in bed until at least 10am and let my son watch videos, because I was depressed. I haven't been like that in a while. The entire day my heart felt heavy. AND SO, I wrote and email to my friend. I told her how much I appreciated the phone call she made and the conversation that we had and I told her I needed to address something she said. I felt like my words were heartfelt, direct and informative. I wanted her to know that I don't FEEL like Camille is real, she WAS real. I told her that the death of a child does not negate their existence. I told her I hoped my email would give her something to draw on in the future about my grief and what it feels like right now for me after my daughter has died. I followed up the email with a few photos of Camille.

She responded the next day and apologized. She said she was speculating about how others may feel but she should leave the psychoanalysis to someone more qualified. I was glad we had the exchange, I felt heard and I hope that she "gets it" a little bit more. Regardless of anything she wrote in the email, I felt better. Not because of what she wrote but because I spoke my mind. I think it was more important for me to be able to express how her words hurt me than any explanation of why they were said. I felt empowered to be able to say: this is not okay. I deserve more love. Please try to understand even though you can't. Ugh. I wish these conversations weren't necessary. I do have to say that although her phone call was prompted by my BFF who sent it out to a bunch of our close friends. Only 2 people have called me. Sigh. It is what it is.

What I learned from this...I have to stand up for myself and my daughter.