I was really devastated the entire next day after my conversation regarding the "theoretical child" I stayed in bed until at least 10am and let my son watch videos, because I was depressed. I haven't been like that in a while. The entire day my heart felt heavy. AND SO, I wrote and email to my friend. I told her how much I appreciated the phone call she made and the conversation that we had and I told her I needed to address something she said. I felt like my words were heartfelt, direct and informative. I wanted her to know that I don't FEEL like Camille is real, she WAS real. I told her that the death of a child does not negate their existence. I told her I hoped my email would give her something to draw on in the future about my grief and what it feels like right now for me after my daughter has died. I followed up the email with a few photos of Camille.
She responded the next day and apologized. She said she was speculating about how others may feel but she should leave the psychoanalysis to someone more qualified. I was glad we had the exchange, I felt heard and I hope that she "gets it" a little bit more. Regardless of anything she wrote in the email, I felt better. Not because of what she wrote but because I spoke my mind. I think it was more important for me to be able to express how her words hurt me than any explanation of why they were said. I felt empowered to be able to say: this is not okay. I deserve more love. Please try to understand even though you can't. Ugh. I wish these conversations weren't necessary. I do have to say that although her phone call was prompted by my BFF who sent it out to a bunch of our close friends. Only 2 people have called me. Sigh. It is what it is.
What I learned from this...I have to stand up for myself and my daughter.
About Me
- Renel
- My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
I'm sorry that you have to stand up for yourself and for Camille. But I'm glad that you did. I often wish I had been bolder and made people realise how much some of their comments hurt me.
ReplyDeleteWell done you. I absolutely think you did the right thing here. I know it can sometimes sound trite to say things like this, but Camille would be proud of you, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteSending much love.
xo
So proud of you to stand up for you and your daughter. As miserable as these conversations are they are necessary in our circumstance. Hoping you have a better weekend!!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for standing up to her!! At least that is one person who has been educated on this type of loss. But no matter what, you did what was right by Camille. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteExcellent. It sort of sickens me that we have to stand up for our babies and they can't just "be" on their own. They can't be loved and respected and revered like we intended all along-- like all of our friends' babies.
ReplyDeleteI learned that as well. We have to protect their honor. It's painful and hurtful, but it also allows us to parent them in a way (no one should have to). They deserve our protection and you are doing just that. It's a shame our babies are abstract to others and really makes my heart quite heavy still.
Oh Renel I am so amazed at your strength and I so admire your courage. GOOD ON YOU for sending this email... I have said before that I wish more of us could set the record straight when those around us say insensitive or hurtful things- even if it was not their intention. So well done mamma.. Camile is proud.. I just know it. Hugs...
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I learned that from the time my son was born with Down Syndrome I would be his advocater and that has followed through even after his death. Our children deserve more living or not. Camille would be proud.xo
ReplyDeleteGlad you sent that e-mail- good for you! I know your sweet Camille is proud of you!
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Renel! I'm glad you let her know how you were feeling. I think you are awesome--this proves me right. Good on you, friend.
ReplyDeletexo
I am so impressed with you. I swear I feel like such a coward about all of this. I need to take a page from your book and say what I feel finally. I think this is going to be my new goal for the new year.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. I wish you didn't have to go through this, thinking of you.
Good job, mama! It sounds like you did it in a way that was understandable and educational for her, too, which I know is hard when we are in such pain.
ReplyDeleteI wish that these conversations weren't necessary too. This is a part of our lives now isn't it, protecting our dead children. Good for you Renel.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for defending your daughter. My brother on law has made similar claims regarding Aiden's existence and I have not yet been able to speak my mind. My husband has had a lengthy conversation with him, but on order to keep peace in the family I haven't gotten the chance to give him a piece of my mind.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for sticking up for your sweet Camille. xo
Good for you!! I only recently started standing up for myself and for Drew and doesn't it weirdly feel good? It's scary and really hard to do, but it also feels good. I just realized that I have to do what's best for me and for Drew's memory and not worry so much about how it may affect other people. It feels good to put myself first for once :)
ReplyDeletePlease don't think this sounds silly, but I'm proud of you!
You're amazing - good for you!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you were able to be honest! I am so thankful when I stand up for what is right and can feel proud. It is like little bright treasures from our babies just when we need it the most.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you were honest and stood up for your very real, very beautiful, very perfect and very missed daughter.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to take a stand like this - I think the fear of losing even more keeps me from doing it more often. We've lost so much already, I'm scared to drive more people away... But I think I'm beginning to find my voice again. Well done for speaking up.
ReplyDeleteSorry that it's been so long since commenting... slowly catching up after my blogging break. You're so right and I admire you... your words "I have to stand up for myself and my daughter" resonate with me - I find it so hard to do sometimes but always feel so much better afterwards too. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDelete