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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Who You'd Be Today...

Yesterday I bagged up all my pregnancy clothes. I was hoping that I could just leave them in piles and then get pregnant and need them again. It has been 6 months and I'm not pregnant and it's just a mess on my closet floor. It was hard for me to pack up all those clothes. I remember when I was pregnant with Camille my husband said I could get rid of them when our baby was born. Now they are in a bag....I am hoping that I can use them again.

I was up all night crying. I think I finally fell asleep around 3am. We had plans to go hiking in Yosemite today but we didn't go; I was just too tired. The combination of my missing Camille, my not being pregnant again which I want so badly, my baby Camille, she really is what I want. The the inevitable hormonal roller coaster + grief is just a crazy combo filled with sobbing and leaky eyes.

I got up and went downstairs and ate some yogurt, I tried to go on-line. I look fabulous in all the outfits I find while window Internet shopping (I don't buy anything), I also played words with friends. I tried going back to sleep but instead of restfulness I start to cry again. My husband would wake intermittently throughout the night and touch my foot with his foot or say softly "babe"....All I could  say was "I miss my baby."

We went hiking down to the river today, instead of Yosemite. Finding sticks for boat races, climbing out onto little islands over rocky/watery paths, throwing rocks into the water and drawing in the sand. I love my family. This mental space I am in makes everything feel very nostalgic. Like I am missing the moment I am making, knowing how swiftly things change.

We got done with our hike and headed back to the truck. We gave Kai a snack and we sat on the tailgate and enjoyed the sunshine. My husband turned on the stereo and Kenny Chesney came on... My husband said "this song used to remind me of my mom, now it reminds me of Camille" He doesn't talk about Camille very often. I was glad he said something. I went and sat in the truck to listen to the words and of course it's just perfect. Perfect for loss, perfect for sadness, perfect for how sad I have been lately. I wonder all the time about who she would be. I miss Camille. My heart is aching today.

I picked this video because it has no video, just the music and words. Love to you all out there in Internet land.


  1. I'm glad your husband spoke up today about missing Camille. Despite our husbands not opening up so frequently (as us!), it's ever-so-sweet and equally heartbreaking when they do. I often think they are trying to shield us by keeping their emotions about their babies internal-- or external when we're not around. I could be wrong, but that seems to be the case with my husband as we've talked about it before.

    At 6 months out, I remember not being able to look at my maternity clothes. I actually stuffed them in the back of my other clothes so I didn't have to see them peeking out at me, taunting me. I wanted to wear them so badly. After the miscarriage, I was a freaking wreck.

    You live that close to Yosemite? Wow! We've hiked Half Dome and spent a good portion of time there ourselves. We're big hikers (when I'm not pregnant... which seems like never) and I surely miss that about the California Sierras. There are NO mountains in Illinois and that is my biggest gripe. Not the weather. Not the exorbitant taxes. No mountains. I sure miss it.

  2. Wow... Big tears at that song. I love KC but haven't heard that one. Will forward to my husband too. So glad yours brought her up. I know the hubbies hurt too and it's frustrating that they don't always know how to express it.

    As for getting pregnant, I did the same thing, expecting it right away so I left everything out. Looking back, it was the best thing for me to have some time in between the two pregnancies. I would never have chosen it but it worked out for the best. I am sure u won't have to wait as long as i did (I had a surgery that put things on hold for a time). It will happen.

  3. It always hits me hard when C talks about Calla. I know he misses her, I know he's sad about her. He's much more of the practical, get-it-done kind of guy about things, like picking out her marker and urn and getting the memorial together and, just recently, commissioning a friend to make a birdhouse/geocaching site for her marker. But that's how he expresses his grief and missing. I'm glad your husband could open up to you in such a beautiful way.

    I know all about that late-night shopping while missing. It's a bummer, to say the least. I wish Camille was there with you, keeping you up at night. I wish for it so much, Renel.

    Love to you, friend :)

  4. I know this feeling...bagging up maternity clothes. I did try to find some humor in it to keep me sane. I have a pair of black maternity pants that I loved, the only black pants that have ever fit me perfectly - I still wear them. As a matter of fact I wore them today,lol.

    I wish your Camille was with you as I wish Jolie was here with me. Grief is hard. Some days are tolerable and some are bad. My therapist is now recommending anti-depressants for me but it's not going to bring my daughter back.

    In time we will learn to cope with our "new normal".

    ((lots of hugs))

  5. Those maternity clothes can really mock you. I found out I was pregnant again just after Hope's 7 month anniversary, so I hope some good news is just around the corner for you, I really do.

  6. Oh I really hated my maternity clothes for a long time. I couldn't bear to see them but I couldn't beat to put them away either. So they sat, in a heap in the spare bedroom, for just over two years. A year of waiting and then a year of trying. I really feel for you, it is so horrible, when you are missing the child that you had and want back so very deeply and also wanting to be pregnant again and then feeling that actually you don't want that at all you just want THEM back. It is enough to keep you up at night I know.
    It always leaves me feeling slightly stunned when my husband says anything about Georgina. I often assume that he never thinks about her and doesn't miss her and then he says something that reminds me that he thinks of her all the time. He just doesn't find it easy to speak. That song is heartbreaking.

  7. Your family walk sounds so lovely (even though it's not the one you planned) - I'm a little jealous of it :)

  8. "Like I am missing the moment I am making, knowing how swiftly things change."
    I know that feeling completely.
    Someday I hope the both of us get to donate our used, but never needed again maternity clothes.

  9. My maternity clothes sat in a pile in the nursery we never completed, for ages, gathering dust. The door was closed, and we didn't do much more than peek in every so often, feel the pain, and close the door again.

    Now that I am in maternity clothes again, well, it's still tricky. There are certain clothes that I just cannot wear again - I associate them too much with Seamus. So the charity shop has had a few sizeable donations.

    I hope that you do get pregnant again soon. I know that urge, that desperation, and that need. Waiting seems like the cruelest joke. I hope it happens soon, and that it gives you the little lift that you need and deserve.

  10. My maternity clothes are still mixed in with my regular clothes. I, too, keep hoping I'll need them very soon, but now they are just mocking me. I need to put them away, but that feels too deliberate, so I just let them sit there in the pile next to my bed, and in my dresser. I love and hate them.

    My heart aches along with yours.

  11. While packing for our trip i ran across the most potent of memories by revisiting my maternity clothes. I sat in the closet and cried and it ripped me up for the next 24 hours. It wasn't easy.
    I thought about you, Camille and Kai a lot over my trip. sending you hugs. xo


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