Yesterday I bagged up all my pregnancy clothes. I was hoping that I could just leave them in piles and then get pregnant and need them again. It has been 6 months and I'm not pregnant and it's just a mess on my closet floor. It was hard for me to pack up all those clothes. I remember when I was pregnant with Camille my husband said I could get rid of them when our baby was born. Now they are in a bag....I am hoping that I can use them again.
I was up all night crying. I think I finally fell asleep around 3am. We had plans to go hiking in Yosemite today but we didn't go; I was just too tired. The combination of my missing Camille, my not being pregnant again which I want so badly, my baby Camille, she really is what I want. The the inevitable hormonal roller coaster + grief is just a crazy combo filled with sobbing and leaky eyes.
I got up and went downstairs and ate some yogurt, I tried to go on-line. I look fabulous in all the outfits I find while window Internet shopping (I don't buy anything), I also played words with friends. I tried going back to sleep but instead of restfulness I start to cry again. My husband would wake intermittently throughout the night and touch my foot with his foot or say softly "babe"....All I could say was "I miss my baby."
We went hiking down to the river today, instead of Yosemite. Finding sticks for boat races, climbing out onto little islands over rocky/watery paths, throwing rocks into the water and drawing in the sand. I love my family. This mental space I am in makes everything feel very nostalgic. Like I am missing the moment I am making, knowing how swiftly things change.
We got done with our hike and headed back to the truck. We gave Kai a snack and we sat on the tailgate and enjoyed the sunshine. My husband turned on the stereo and Kenny Chesney came on... My husband said "this song used to remind me of my mom, now it reminds me of Camille" He doesn't talk about Camille very often. I was glad he said something. I went and sat in the truck to listen to the words and of course it's just perfect. Perfect for loss, perfect for sadness, perfect for how sad I have been lately. I wonder all the time about who she would be. I miss Camille. My heart is aching today.
I picked this video because it has no video, just the music and words. Love to you all out there in Internet land.