About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Saturday, January 28, 2012


I made dinner for a woman in mom's club the other day. She just gave birth to a healthy baby girl at the age of 41. I wish I could be happy for her....but you know how that goes. She made my family dinner twice after Camille died, which I thought was incredibly kind. I figured I should return the favor. I told my husband that he had to drive with me over to their house, I didn't want to stay long and I wanted an excuse to leave quickly. She has a 3 year old son too, sigh. Talked to her briefly, asked her how she was feeling....tired of course. She asked me how I was and I don't even know what I said. I managed to ask what her daughters name was, she was holding her the whole time. I couldn't ask about the baby. I wished them a good night and left. My husband drove me to yoga class which I was getting to just in the nick of time. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get to class that night. It was such a long day. I took Kai to a mom's club event strewn with babies and people who give less than a small shit about my loss. But I took Kai because he needed to get out. The president of the moms club is a very kind woman and just recently sent me a card telling me that she thinks of me all the time. I thought that was incredibly sweet. So between moms club and making dinner for my family and the other family, yoga was not a given.

 We always start class with 5 minutes of meditation. We did something different that night, we did 12 minutes of guided meditation led by Jon Cabat-Zinn. I cried for the first 12 minutes of class. I think between all the events of the day, making dinner for a family with a new baby girl and then pondering "the breath" and letting it all go. Not focusing on any thing other than the moment. Thinking of breath as rolling waves and our mind as a little boat riding those waves. It was impossible for me to focus on my breath but I was glad to have the guide bring me back to it. Yoga that night was so helpful. My teacher mostly teaches Ananda yoga but incorporates some flow and then on the first Monday of each month we do Yin yoga.  This night we did some Ananda practice and the teacher says that in Ananada there is an affirmation with each pose. She only used a couple affirmations but they were incredibly helpful:

Downward-Facing Dog Pose
"Calmness radiates from every fiber of my being."
Chandrasana - Moon Pose
"Strength and courage fill my body cells."
Garudasana - Eagle Pose
"At the center of life's storms I stand serene."
Balasana - Child Pose
"I relax from outer involvement into my inner haven of peace"
Savasana - Corpse Pose
"Bones, muscles, movement I surrender now; anxiety, elation and depression, churning thoughts-all these I give into the hands of peace."

These affirmations are so amazingly positive for me. They buoy me and strengthen my focus. The hard thing is that while I do yoga, I am thinking of Camille almost the entire time.

Every time I do yoga I always think it was made just for me and for my grief. It is such a good place for mental peace. Every time I do yoga I try and focus a warm white light surrounding my heart and around my uterus. I invite a new child to come to us and our family. I try to send my thoughts into the universe. The love our family has to give. How much we have given...please come to us. I invite love into my heart to soothe my sorrow. Durring my sun salutation there is a transitional pose that is odd but requires your bottom to be in the air while your chest is on the ground. I envision the warm wet earth reaching up and with a cooling hand covering my heart inside my chest with mud. The earths gift of love to me; My heart supported and then covered by baby's tear ferns. This is my vision.

Here are two songs that speak to my heart, funny they are both country songs, the last song I posted was country too. My husband listens to a lot of country and so I do by default. I've always been a beastie boys, Bob Marley and mazzy star kinda girl which I will post more of later...but for now two country songs.

The band Perry ~ If I Die Young: this is the only song I know of theirs: the lines that get me.... "Lord make me a raindbow, I'll shine down on my mother"...Oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no ain't even grey but she burries her baby....The sharp knife of a short life"

Zac Brown Band ~Jolene: (The Ray LaMontagne version -it's his song- is equally lovely)
This second song is really about someone who has hit Rock Bottom...We who have lost their babies know that space...The line that really breaks my heart: "Lately my hands they don't feel like mine, My eyes been stung with dust and blind, held you in my arms one time and lost you just the same."


I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells

I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace

When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are one.

Light and love to you all.


  1. Yes, let a new child come to you indeed. It ain't easy but the alternative is worse. Good for you for making that dinner. I would either not have been ble to do it at all or would have left it at their doorstep. And mom's group?? Wow. I still haven't been back and don't envision even being able to go back after I have a new live baby (hopefully). It's just a group I don't fit into anymore, I feel like. I miss all of the moms, and they've been great to me but they just don't understand this reality we live in. I don't think I will ever be comfortable around babies and pregnancies again, especially in that quantity. So good for you for doing these things! It's probably better for you than hiding out like I do! Ha!

  2. Fuck I wish you lived nearby Renel.

    That is all.


  3. It is really hard to deal with mothers and pregnancy especially when dealing with loss and fertility issues but I have to say it sometimes makes me feel better to hear of women in their 40's having healthy babies as it makes me feel there is still time and I still have a chance at having a healthy baby. I wish I could join you in your yoga class. xo

  4. Thank you for the inspiration! I needed this. I have kind of abandoned yoga and I think it would be really good for me to find it again.

    And Molly, I hide out too!

  5. I think it was really brave of you to return the favor of dinner. A lot of my friends who were actually there for me during the worst parts--and brought us dinner--are soon to have their second babies and I want nothing to do with them. I can't bring myself to even talk to them (when I can help it), let alone see them or even think about bringing them dinner. So, I'm amazed at your bravery. Good for you!

    I so wish I lived near you and a few of my other blog friends. Getting together to talk and vent would be wonderful!

  6. I have found yoga to be HUGELY helpful this past year. But, like you, I think about Eliza the whole time I'm doing it. I also think about the baby I hope to have, too. I love the feeling of connectedness and peace I get when everything goes right. And then there are the nights when I don't remember to breathe and my mind wanders constantly. The affirmations always help me, too.

    I'm glad you were able to make dinner for that mom. I sometimes do things other BLMs tell me they couldn't possibly do (hold someone else's baby, etc.) and I understand why they can't do it so I'm not judging them, but I just think to myself that I've already lost so much, I don't want to lose that part of myself, too. I still want to be someone who repays a kindness, who visits my best friend when she has a baby, and so on. It's not easy to do, though. Some days I'm up for it and some days I still struggle.

    Sending you love and light.

  7. This was absolutely beautiful and a huge eye opener for me. My therapist's first suggestion was to start some sort of yoga and/or meditation and I've been very resistful of the idea. I didn't realize until now it's because I will have to first go through the pain to get to peace as opposed to just shoving it all down as I am now. You've given me alot to think about. Thank you.

  8. I did a lot of yoga after Calla died. I still do, but I did a lot then because I needed to feel something other than just, I don't know, suffering I guess. I totally get this.

    I love the RLM version of Jolene, and that one up there's pretty great, too. Thinking of you lots these days, friend. Wishing you peace. And sending lots of good baby vibes to you, hoping that helps.


  9. Beautiful Renel, just beautiful. What healing words from Yoga. "At the center of life's storms, I stand serene." Whew. I love this. I don't always feel serene, possible never, but I think the fact that we are in the center of the storm is something. Just being here, hurting, depressed, facing a life without our kids, is a feat in itself. I'm proud to be standing with you, sharing in this painful journey.

    Love and peace to you today.


  10. I'm so glad that you have a space where you can go and feel positive and think about Camille and your grief. It's so important to be able to do that.

    I'm still hoping for a positive test for you very soon. I know how much you want (and deserve) it xx

  11. Thank you for sharing the visualizations you use during yoga class- the light around your heart and uterus, and the mud and earth on your heart.

    May the fertility of the earth come and bring you the blessing of a new little one!

  12. I love yoga.... those affirmations are amazing :) Will have to remember them for when I get back to yoga again :) xoxo


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