The Hours of Anger

I took Kai to a Valentines craft day today with moms club. It was crazyland but he did well and accomplished making several projects. A mother asked me how I was doing!!! Wow? nice, even if we were interrupted at least 10 times, she actually cared to ask. I think even the people who were really supportive in the beginning have waned in their interest, and their eyes glaze over when i talk about how sad i STILL am. I just haven't gotten over my daughter being DEAD!

We left and met my husband at Sports Aut.hority, Kai loves putting in their golf department and for a sports oriented family this store is the bomb. I USED to be really into getting new workout clothes, but today...I was walking around and just got FILLED with ANGER. There were a couple moms today who said they have finally achieved their prepregnancy weight after 2.5 years...awesome right? Well I am still 20 pounds over my prepregnancy weight. Okay so it hasn't been a priority. Trying not to have my brain melt into my heart on a daily basis has. I am looking at all these workout clothes and I just got SO FUCKING PISSED. WHY DID MY LIFE HAVE TO BLOW THE FUCK UP? I wish my biggest problems were being tired because my daughter was teething or if I still fit into my bikini. It just isn't my life anymore and I am just so exhausted from being so sad, and angry, and missing and still trying to function as a "normal" human. It just isn't the same, I will never be the same...AND I'M ANGRY that the freedom of mundane has been taken from me. The blissful middle class white woman's disease of bullshit complaints doesn't register on my radar.

Why did MY daughter have to die? why not some crack smoking McDonald's eating asshole? And as I tantrum and stomp my feet all over my blog I realize that it is also exhausting, the why me's that I figured I would be over by now. IT IS JUST SO UNFAIR. No matter how many times I say it, it is still true. I am frustrated that I don't get to have my 2 children and my great career and a loving husband. Now I am "the lady who's baby died" and I will never be the same. When will my concern about being fit and worrying about the small things matter again?

I didn't know I had anxiety...or at least it isn't always on the surface, but it rears it's head in my sleep. I dream of my family at a water park and Kai going into the water but too far for me to reach, that I haven't tightened his life jacket enough and he is flailing in the water. Of course I obsess about Kai. I know nothing is permanent and the death of my daughter has brought that vividly to the forefront of my consciousness.

Most of the time I am sad and angry that Camille died. I AM sad and angry that she is dead...but today, it was about me...about my life, about what I expected, what I lost, what I will never get back. I know it is self centered.... but FUCK my baby is dead and that is so much to be sad and angry about and I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I mourn my daughter, I mourn the life I lost, I mourn the family we will never be.

A Celebration

Kai turned 3 years old today! I can't believe he is 3. 3 years ago after 17 hours of labor and at 8 pounds 12 ounces my big first child was born. I am constantly amazed by him. By his intelligence, kindness, intuitiveness and humor. He carries my heart. No 3 year old should ever have to carry their mothers heart but we have no choice. I depend on him to soothe my sorrow even though no words are spoken. He holds my heart and loves me because I am his mama. That is how he rescues me. I am not sure how I would be coping right now with out him. Honestly he buoys me. I feel so lucky to be his mother. I wish Camille could have been here to eat chocolate cake with him. We gave him a bike with training wheels which he can already ride. We celebrated with our friends who Kai loves dearly and he will have a little kid party on Friday. Everyday I am thankful for his aliveness, for his hugs and kisses and sweet funny self.

Happy birthday baby. I love you bigger than the sky.

King of Sorrow

This songs sums up a lot of my feelings...

Sade: King of Sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do

I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow