King of Sorrow

This songs sums up a lot of my feelings...

Sade: King of Sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do

I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow

Music

Yesterday I took Kai to school. I was going to be productive, finish painting the staircase hallway or fold  laundry or make dinner. I didn't do any of those things. I sat in front of the computer for hours...HOURS. I realized while thinking about it last night that this is a place I can come to grieve. I can read poems and quotes, read others thoughts and experiences. Well yesterday I sat down in front of this magic box and listened to music for hours. Honestly I have avoided music a lot since Camille died. It makes everything feel so sharp and deep. I hear my pain in all the lyrics. After a while I settled on listening to Brandi Carlile. She is probably my favorite artist. I listened to her a lot when I was pregnant with Kai. Several years ago I saw her in concert...Yes I cried.This Woman Sings My Soul! She is AMAZING. I am including two videos.

I love you Camille...until my dying day!

Dying Day :

Lyrics:

I left home a long long time ago
and a tin can for the road and a suitcase and some songs
chasing miles through the night time making tracks with no time for looking back to the place where I belong

How these days grow long but I`m on my way back home, It's been hard to be away
How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day, how these days grow long

When you`re sad you know I wish I could be there to make your sorrows disappear
and set your troubles free
It`s not fear for me to be this far from you but I promise you`d stay true wherever I`d might be

Time keeps burning the wheels keep on turning sometimes I feel I`m wasting my day

How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day, how these days grow long

Time keeps burning on, how these days grow long

Now I`m lost in a see of sunken dreams while the sound of drunken screams echos in the night but I know all of this will come to past and I`ll be with you in last forever by your side

How these days grow long but I`m on my way back home, It's been hard to be away
How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day and time keeps burning the wheels keep on turning sometimes I feel I`m wasting my day
How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day
How these days grow long
Time keeps burning on
How these days grow long

This song just says it all doesn't it?

This next song is also amazing:
"What Can I Say"

Lyrics:
Look to the clock on the wall,
Hands hardly moving at all.
Can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

chrous:
O lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say

Try to bury my toubles away
drowns my sorrows the same way
seem that no matter how hard I try
It feel like somethings just missing inside

Oh lord what can i say

How many rules can I break
how many lies can I make
how many roads can I turn
to find me a place where the bridge doesn't burn

So when my husband asks "what did you do today" it is hard for me because I wasn't "just on the computer" I was grieving. I was singing and crying and trying to work this whole thing out in my head and heart. Thank you to all the mamas and papas who let me into their life and their pain. I can see reflections of myself and it really truly helps. I also realize that I am not the only one who comes here to grieve. I am grieving beside some really amazing people. I hope you like the music.