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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Yesterday I took Kai to school. I was going to be productive, finish painting the staircase hallway or fold  laundry or make dinner. I didn't do any of those things. I sat in front of the computer for hours...HOURS. I realized while thinking about it last night that this is a place I can come to grieve. I can read poems and quotes, read others thoughts and experiences. Well yesterday I sat down in front of this magic box and listened to music for hours. Honestly I have avoided music a lot since Camille died. It makes everything feel so sharp and deep. I hear my pain in all the lyrics. After a while I settled on listening to Brandi Carlile. She is probably my favorite artist. I listened to her a lot when I was pregnant with Kai. Several years ago I saw her in concert...Yes I cried.This Woman Sings My Soul! She is AMAZING. I am including two videos.

I love you Camille...until my dying day!
Dying Day :
I left home a long long time ago
and a tin can for the road and a suitcase and some songs
chasing miles through the night time making tracks with no time for looking back to the place where I belong

How these days grow long but I`m on my way back home, It's been hard to be away

How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day, how these days grow long

When you`re sad you know I wish I could be there to make your sorrows disappear

and set your troubles free
It`s not fear for me to be this far from you but I promise you`d stay true wherever I`d might be

Time keeps burning the wheels keep on turning sometimes I feel I`m wasting my day

How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you

and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day, how these days grow long

Time keeps burning on, how these days grow long

Now I`m lost in a see of sunken dreams while the sound of drunken screams echos in the night but I know all of this will come to past and I`ll be with you in last forever by your side

How these days grow long but I`m on my way back home, It's been hard to be away

How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day and time keeps burning the wheels keep on turning sometimes I feel I`m wasting my day
How I miss you and I just wanna kiss you
and now I`m gonna love you til my dying day
How these days grow long
Time keeps burning on
How these days grow long

This song just says it all doesn't it?

This next song is also amazing:
"What Can I Say"
Look to the clock on the wall,
Hands hardly moving at all.
Can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

O lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say

Try to bury my toubles away
drowns my sorrows the same way
seem that no matter how hard I try
It feel like somethings just missing inside

Oh lord what can i say

How many rules can I break
how many lies can I make
how many roads can I turn
to find me a place where the bridge doesn't burn

So when my husband asks "what did you do today" it is hard for me because I wasn't "just on the computer" I was grieving. I was singing and crying and trying to work this whole thing out in my head and heart. Thank you to all the mamas and papas who let me into their life and their pain. I can see reflections of myself and it really truly helps. I also realize that I am not the only one who comes here to grieve. I am grieving beside some really amazing people. I hope you like the music. 


  1. Oh Lordy Renel. She's an amazing songwriter and obviously knows loss and pain and grief.
    I'm doing the same thing today. I should be cleaning, hanging out the washing and more importantly photocopying medical files for our legal case. But, I've dropped Xavier off at kinder and Eden & Googie off at family day care (my one day a week when I'm kid free). But, i've only unpacked the dishwasher. That's it. But, I don't care. I even said out loud this is my time to check in with myself. Read blogs and see where everyone else is at. These BL blogs have become an obsession for me, as has yoga. The mess will always be there and so will the grief. It's just more important to work on healing than cleaning right now, and that's OK.
    And, no. ThankYOU Renel for sharing this great music. I especially love the first one. xoxoxo

  2. I feel so guilty the amount I spend in front of this computer. I want to get back to doing chores and all that jazz but as soon as I get started on something it hits me all over again and I am right back here. It is my only place to grieve somedays. When I can't find any tears left I read something someone has wrote and the tears fall again, and the thing is I still want to cry and hurt, it makes me feel closer to Braedon.
    I love the songs, music can be really soothing to the soul.
    Sending love across the miles.

  3. Thanks for sharing! And you are right - there is so much of the grieving process that gets accomplished right in front of the computer. So many connections and lifelines made that, at times, feel like the only thing keeping you sane. We help each other find the right words, feelings, sentiment and figure out how to express that or just let each other know, over and over, "you are not alone" . . .something I'll always be grateful for. Goodness, how did people grieve without the world-wide-web!? :)

  4. Oh yep, I know. I always felt guilty I was glued to the computer screen for hours on end (and hey I still do) but it was my grief work, as I called it. And three years out, I'm still doing that work. It is more of a part time thing now, not the full time job it once was. But important work that needs to get done, nonetheless.
    So much love to you, Renel.

  5. Yep, I've been up for 2 hours and 13 minutes, and I've spent 2 hours 6 minutes in front of the computer. But I would be even more lost than I already am if I didn't have this community... so, sod the cleaning!

    I like that you posted some music. I've been funny about it since Seamus died. I can't listen to anything without welling up. I used to never be without music, wherever I went - my iPod on the tube, radio blasting in the car, favourite playlists drifting through the house. Now it has all been replaced by an empty silence. I just can't listen. Songs seem to reach into the corners of my soul like nothing else... maybe one day it will be cathartic, but right now, I hear and feel the pain in every song.

  6. We're right here behind our keyboards and computer screens, too. We're here for the same reason and it's all about grief. You aren't alone and as Hope's Mama said, it's your grief work. It is doing your soul good. What does the rest of life and the world matter anyhow if we don't have our love to share/mend/grieve.

    Sometimes I feel silly. People asked if I've joined a grief group. I say no. They tell me I look great for someone who has no one to talk with. I tell them that I do. I talk to friends near and far all over the internet about this. Sounds lame. But I've also learned over these 10.5 months that I have no shame. My son died. He's dead. He (and my husband) are the two most important people in my world and one of them is dead. What do I care what others think about how I am handling my grief?

    We're here, Renel. In our dorky, grief-stricken blogging world.

  7. Thanks for the two new song suggestions. They're both new to me, but I think both are good. They both "get it" if that makes any sense.

    Isn't it weird how reading blogs can consume so much of your day. Sometimes, it makes me feel better, and some days it just makes me cry. But, I guess I need that.

    We went to a support group for a few months, but I feel like I get so much more support from reading blogs (and now blogging) than I ever did from the group. Weird how spilling your guts to complete strangers online can make you feel better than grieving with others in person. Maybe because it's not face to face in a blog? I don't know.

    Also, this is really random, but I just realized--and don't know how I could have missed it all this time--that your sweet Camille and my Drew share a birthday. Drew was born a year before Camille was.

    I think there's a reason we found each other's blogs. I know that's cheesy, but maybe me being exactly one year past where you are will help you along the way??


  8. I had (have) SO MANY days when I really thought I'd be productive and I just got lost online... You're right though. You are grieving and that's not a stagnant place to be, even though it feels like it a lot of the time. You're working through the hardest part, and we're all here for you.

  9. Like so many of the previous commenters, this post speaks to me. I couldn't listen to music for quite some time after G died, I avoided it too. And yes, sometimes I think I will get SO much done, so many household chores, and then I lose myself in the internetz. Even now. Like Sally, it's a part time job now but still something I need to do, my way of looking after G I suppose.
    Beautiful songs and new to me. I like having new songs and these two will always remind me of your Camille xo

  10. I couldn't listen to music for months after Elias died. And music is my THING. I could only listen to really horrible dance hits. Anything else would send me spiraling.

    Yes, we are here grieving with you. And when you share the weight of grief, others help carry it, and it somehow gets lighter.

  11. thanks for the music - I needed it tonight :)

  12. I know this, sitting in front of the computer for hours. That was me, too. It was really helpful (?) to get a brand new laptop and wireless internet after Calla died--we figured why the hell not spend cash we didn't really have-it was a distraction on top of a distraction, I guess.

    I've found myself sobbing in my car--mostly when I'm alone--wish music super loud. It hurts like a bitch but it really helps, too.

  13. Love Brandi Carlile! You've got good taste girl <3
    Right after Truman died music was painful, even the happiest of songs made me hurt so bad.
    I am getting to the point now that i am finding healing it again.

    Love to you Renel!!


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