My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
We went to the memorial in the park. A dove did NOT crap on my head but you know what? some people DID get crapped on. My husband and I were laughing about this...he said "can you imagine, you come to something like this and then get crapped on by a dove?" I know...not funny but, well, I totally saw that one coming. The memorial was well done, I didn't cry. Kai was acting 2.5 and I didn't have patience because I was on edge (see last photo of a little "chat" we were having by a tree...my husband caught this on film). We were at our first memorial for our daughter who is DEAD. So I kind of just showed up and went through the motions but did not feel exceptionally emotional. It is what it is. Kai and I meditated tonight and lit a candle for Camille. It certainly isn't enough, but nothing is. I'd just like to have my daughter back. That being said...I posted on face.book. and found a lot of loving support I was not expecting. People lit candles and sent and posted pictures. How lovely. Really. It means a lot to me for people to do that, even if it is prompted by a wall post. Another friend brought me a yellow calla lilly plant. How sweet. I feel okay. I am always on the verge of tears but something happened the other day. The tears dried up. The ones that flowed everyday regardless of what happened. I am in this weird numb place again. Constantly caring but distant. Weird how things shift and move in this icky grief. I know I am in a more peaceful place saving up for another eventual down cycle. I am so glad I got to remember my daughter along with my BLM blog friends. I was thinking of all of you today and the children that we miss with every ounce of who we are. Much love to you all.