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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Day of Remembrance

We went to the memorial in the park. A dove did NOT crap on my head but you know what? some people DID get crapped on. My husband and I were laughing about this...he said "can you imagine, you come to something like this and then get crapped on by a dove?" I know...not funny but, well, I totally saw that one coming. The memorial was well done, I didn't cry. Kai was acting 2.5 and I didn't have patience because I was on edge (see last photo of a little "chat" we were having by a tree...my husband caught this on film). We were at our first memorial for our daughter who is DEAD. So I kind of just showed up and went through the motions but did not feel exceptionally emotional. It is what it is. Kai and I meditated tonight and lit a candle for Camille. It certainly isn't enough, but nothing is. I'd just like to have my daughter back. That being said...I posted on face.book. and found a lot of loving support I was not expecting. People lit candles and sent and posted pictures. How lovely. Really. It means a lot to me for people to do that, even if it is prompted by a wall post. Another friend brought me a yellow calla lilly plant. How sweet. I feel okay. I am always on the verge of tears but something happened the other day. The tears dried up. The ones that flowed everyday regardless of what happened. I am in this weird numb place again. Constantly caring but distant. Weird how things shift and move in this icky grief. I know I am in a more peaceful place saving up for another eventual down cycle. I am so glad I got to remember my daughter along with my BLM blog friends. I was thinking of all of you today and the children that we miss with every ounce of who we are. Much love to you all.


  1. glad you didn't get crapped on. I think we all have enough already in other ways!

  2. I think you did really well to go along to this. I really wanted to, but just felt I wasn't up to it. The walk of rememberance was today here in Melbourne (16th) and Joseph should be 10 months, so, all a bit too much. I would really like to walk next year though.
    So pleased you didn't get crapped on.
    I really appreciate the dry eyes days now, because I know the sads are waiting their turn.
    Constantly caring but distant. Yes. x

  3. I just friend requested you. I hope you don't think I'm a creeper. And for the record, I would have totally laughed at someone getting crapped on by a dove - because that is what this feels like. Losing your baby is like having the entire world crap on you! You have to laugh at this stuff. It's the dark humor that pulls us through.

  4. Thinking of you and Camille.

    (Also I think the top you wore is super cute.)

  5. Strange isn't it how you wake up one day and realise you haven't cried for a few days... It took me by surprise when that happened. I do still cry, but it's not the daily, drowning in tears from the early days.
    Little Kai is gorgeous, I'm sure Camille was too. She'll always be remembered and missed. xx

  6. I am glad you found the strenght to go. I really believe that at the moment we may not think much of these type of events but further down the road when we look back, I think that is when we will say, "I am glad I did that".
    If you look on my blog in the back right next to the purple box there is a pink candle. That one was for Camille.
    I am in the same place as you, finding myself more and more numb,not crying as much, some days not crying at all. I guess this is just part of the stages we are going through.
    I love your pictures even the one where you were having the talk with Kai ;).
    Sending hugs <3

  7. I was at a wedding where doves were released - same (predictable) problem. Glad you didn't get hit.

    Thinking of so many lost babies last night was really emotional for me, but I'm pretty familiar with that numb feeling as well. Sometimes the detachment is almost a relief for a little while.

    Pretty pictures :)

  8. Attending these types of events is so damn hard in the early months. You've done so well. That first photo of yourself reminds me of photos of myself taken in the early months after Hope died. I think it is the eyes - you can see the sadness there first. But I also see your resilience.

  9. I'm glad you didn't get crapped on, and I totally would have laughed at the people who did--a dark humor ind of laugh later, but still. And I hope they would have laughed at me getting crapped on, too--it's that kind of thing :)

    Anyway, your pics are really beautiful, and I know all too well those toddler discussions . . .

    I don't remember either when I just stopped crying every day. It felt almost like weaning from breastfeeding, with the crying before going to sleep the last to go.

    Thinking of you and Camille, friend.

  10. If there had been an event like this in the first few months after Cullen died I think I would have been a mess.. you look like you did an amazing job being there. Thinking of you and Camille as we both parent our living child(ren) in the wake of the babies we have lost.

  11. The ups and downs of grief...I'm almost 2 years out and am still on the roller coaster of my life because of Addison's death. Especially during that first year I would have periods where I didn't cry and thought I was heartless because of it. Now I'm at a place where, if I don't ever get to feel extreme joy ever again, I'm okay as long as I don't have to feel that extreme sadness, either. I think it is amazing that you have friends who posted pictures of their lit candles. Such a wonderful tribute to Camille.

  12. Thanks everyone for being so supportive. I dig it!

    Brooke~ The top is from Anthropologie...Yeah it's pretty much my favorite store. I bet the top is on sale by now. If you want a review of it just peep.


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