Yeah well my second support group was the other night and man I know I am a little wack but there are some crazies out there. People went around telling their stories, I felt bad for them, their babies are dead for one reason or another...but there was a lady who said she was due to give birth and went and sat on the couch and was smoking a cigarette when she started bleeding. Her baby died. REALLY? you just told me that you were smoking a cigarette at 40 weeks pregnant!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! So then even though I am sad her baby died, I feel worse for her baby than I do for her, the baby is dead and she was SMOKING! and super obese and UGH I just got so frustrated inside of myself. I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! WHY?????? So yeah I just don't know. I am not connecting with any of these people. Another thing is a strange dichotomy of feelings... One minute I feel so alone in dead baby land and I really want to connect with other people who have experienced this too, the next minute I am in a room surrounded by people who have dead babies and I just want to get away from them. On one hand it makes me feel like there are a TON of ways babies can die. It is really disturbing. Ignorance is sometimes bliss. It makes my experience also feel less special. Like Camille is just one more tally mark. That just kills me the insignificance of her death when it has ripped a hole in my soul and shattered my world into a thousand shards. I know my feelings may sound manic but it is just how I feel.
This weekend (Saturday the 15th) there is a memorial type thing happening at a park. They will have readings, and candles and they are dedicating a mosaic in which we can put our child's name, and a dove release. I wish this was an event I didn't have to attend but I am hoping that it is a really positive experience. I think there may be around 200 people there. I am hoping I can find connections with others that I feel drawn to as people. A friend of mine told me the other day that a woman she knows just lost her baby too. I don't know the details but 3.5 months after my daughters death and I am already hearing about tragedies befalling others...its like a vortex of dead baby experiences will now swirl around me....because I'm that lady, the one whose baby girl died. I hope that I can comfort someone but don't feel very helpful right now being so fresh to this land of loss. This is all just going to continue to be weird and horrible isn't it? Maybe one of the doves released at the memorial will crap on my head...that's the kind of luck I feel I have.
On another note...Kim Kar-dash-ian got married the day we got into our horrible car crash. Ha...so much charmed life going on all around us while we wallow in the pit of shit! Yay.