UnHappy Birthday to Me

It is my birthday today. My daughter Camille is dead, I am 20 pounds overweight, and now considered of advanced maternal age. GREAT! It isn't really how I anticipated my birthday this year would be. I imagined it being very different, full of love and new babiness, two children and a charmed life. My life is still full of love, minus one child and also full of tears. I didn't expect today to really be a trigger. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I wasn't dreading it either. Today hit me hard. WAY harder than I anticipated. Everything has changed but is still the same...or...everything is the same and everything has changed. These both make sense to me. Weird how they can coexist simultaneously.

I went to my OB visit this morning. I am now down to a 16 on the depression scale (whooohooo). I am not depressed, I'm grieving but they treat it the same way at the doctors office. He told me about my labs that came back from the perinatologist office and I am positive for Heterozygous Factor V Leiden (R506Q) mutation. Essentially it puts me at risk for DVTs (Deep Vein Thrombosis). Some studies show an increase risk in in fetal death other studies show no increase in fetal death. so lovenox or heparin prophylaxis is not recommended unless there is a personal or 1st degree relative with a history of DVT (um yeah my dad had DVTs) My doctor said to try and get pregnant with no intervention for the next 3 months before we look at other ideas. So yeah.

I went to my work today and saw my coworkers. That was VERY emotional, but I had to do it cuz I am going to go to work on Thursday and see a few patients on another therapist's schedule just to get my feet wet.

I did go get my eyebrows waxed (I was WAY overdue on that one) but I hadn't seen the girl who does them since a week before Camille died. So OF COURSE she asked about her and I had to tell her that she died. Yes I cried at the spa. She didn't charge me which is a bonus...I don't know if it is because my daughter died or because it was my birthday but is saved me 20 dollars. (snark)

I had my first grief support group tonight. I am sad to see other people who have lost babies...but it was a small group and I wish I could have seen myself in these other women, but I didn't. they didn't represent me, just loss.

On a good note...last night I went to Yoga at the Unitarian universalist church near my house (I go to Earth Day festivities here every year) and the classes are by donation, so I just found a cheaper way to do yoga! My son was stoked on candles and sprinkles, so, regardless of if I felt celebratory or not, we celebrated for him. I am glad I am alive, I love my son and my husband. It is hard the simultaneous joy and happiness coexisting with heartache and despair. They live right next to each other in my heart. I am EXHAUSTED! This day was long, harder than I thought and filled with tears, but I am still living and loving and trying to find my way in this life without my daughter. On to the next year in my life. Maybe this year can bring some hope and healing to my heart.

"Hope"    

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
   ~Emily Dickinson