About Me
- Renel
- My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
Friday, September 30, 2011
3 months
Today it has been 3 months since Camille died. I seem to be having a really hard time lately. One minute I feel like I am coping well, I will survive, I can do this because I have no choice but I feel positive and hopeful and can try and find joy in life. The last couple days are just moody and sad and gray. I am sick of the sunshine. It doesn't match the season or my sorrow. Too much sunshine makes me sad. I miss my daughter. I feel full of tears, my hope isn't so bright, I miss her so much, my baby. I just wish it was different, I wish she was alive. I feel powerless and exhausted from being sad for 3 months. It feels heavy, all this missing. I need a vacation from grief, I want my baby, I really really want my baby. I am just so so so sad.
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It is all so hard, but those season changing months seemed harder for me, like trimesters or something. I don't know. I felt so tired of my grief for so long, but three months hit hard for that. I just felt tired from just wishing things were different. It aches to do that much magical thinking for so long. Just know I am sending you love, remembering Camille with you.
ReplyDeleteOh Renal,
ReplyDeleteRight there with you feeling it so hard. I wish there was some method of dealing with this. Some way to make the pain go away. This weekend I am going to get totally drunk, not something I do often but I feel like taking a break from all this pain. So I will drink one for you my friend.
Tonight I am sending out love to your baby girl. Camille, you are missed so much by your Mommy and loved beyond measure.
This grief is so hard... unbearable at times. I know how you feel about wanting a vacation from it. Be gentle on yourself... it's Ok to have moody days and not want the sunshine. My heart goes out to you and with you every step along this journey. I could completely relate to your last post too about how you felt at a birthday party - I find those events the hardest of all and admire you for even going... I've avoided a few since Gabrielle passed away. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know you are. Big hugs from across the country. Wish there was more I could do, or give. Lots of love to you, Kai, your husband, and Camille.
ReplyDeletexo
I feel it with you Renel. It's exhausting. An analogy on grief that someone once told me was that grief is like a room in your house. Sometimes you can be stuck in there for days, weeks, others you can get up and leave the room, pass it's doorway throughout the day and acknowledge that it's there and move on, function. Sounds like you're stuck in there at the moment. When those days come for me (and lately i've been looking in from out) I settle in. I realise that there's no point in resisting so I pull up the blankets and sit/lie/rest in it. The last few days though, i've been stuck in there. Especially today.
ReplyDeleteI'm rambling. I just want to say I hear you. I'm sorry. I'm sending love and light and I hope for a break from the grief room for a while. Remembering your sweet Camille. xxx
Anniversaries are so hard :( I've found the 3-month multiples are the worst for me for some reason. I hope the most oppressive exhausting grief has cleared a little by now. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThree months feels horrible - so little time has passed yet somehow it feels like your moments with your baby are so far away... I'm so sorry that you are missing lovely Camille and feeling so blue. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteAxx
I just ache for you because I know all too well what that feels like. I want EVERYTHING to be different. For both of us. I'm so sorry that Camille isn't here with you. Thinking of you and remembering your baby girl.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling like this at three months too. I want my baby back. I feel so sad. I want him back. I want him back. That was the internal (and often external) dialogue I had with myself. It was exhausting.
ReplyDeleteThe pain becomes less intense with time, I promise. I don't think it will ever go away but you will feel happiness again.
Oh. My heart. Three months, so very, very hard. Thinking of you and Camille.
ReplyDeletexo