I started going to therapy last week. I had my second session yesterday. So far I really like my therapist which is a nice change from my last experience with counseling where I stopped after the first session because the lady was a douche. Counseling is through Angel Babies of Hinds Hospice. A volunteer came to the hospital after Camille died, she was very kind and gave me information. Thank goodness because the social worker was, um, USELESS (she said~ let me know if you need anything, like a new dead baby mama knows what they need other than an alive baby, thank you very much for nothing lady). So I am feeling positive about my new endeavor on therapy.
I took my son to a pediatrician appointment the other day because he has been complaining of a stomach ache several times a day for 2 straight weeks. I talked to the doctor for an extended amount of time about Camille's death, the car accident, my husbands job situation and the stress in our home. He said he thinks my son's stomach aches are a physical manifestation of stress. Kai talks about Camille a lot. Even this morning over breakfast he was saying that he was sad because she died and told me all the things he wanted to teach her. It just breaks my heart. He has been stressed to be away from me and so he has been staying shorter days at school (he only goes 2 days a week) and he talks about the car crash all the time. I know this is taking a toll on him and it is hard because all I can do is let him talk, do art, and tell him and show him how much I love him. I wish I could protect him from sadness and death. It is hard that he has to learn such a hard thing at such a young age.
I am going out of town this weekend. I'm going home to Santa Cruz and one of my closest friends had a baby boy 3 weeks ago. I am just not ready to see her or the baby yet, which makes me feel bad but well I just CAN'T. I wish I had talked to my therapist about it but I forgot.
Yesterday was my first day with my husband at work, Kai at school, my mother gone and me not working. I stayed busy ALL day and didn't come home. It actually turned out to be a good day. I ended the day with a CD my therapist let me borrow on guided imagery A meditation to ease grief by Belleruth Naparstek...It made me cry, it was lovely...but there was a little too much guiding. It was relaxing though.
This morning Kai and I went for a walk....and I just started my period (in my white lace underwear of course) for the first time since giving birth 9 weeks ago. My thoughts are everywhere: It is amazing to me that my body continues to function after being unable to keep my daughter alive in my womb. It was amazing to me that my body was able to give birth after her death. I am also glad I started my period. It took me 9 months after my son was born and I knew the sooner I started my period the sooner I would start ovulating and then the possibility of pregnancy is available. We have our perinatology appointment this next Monday.
There is just a lot going on inside this head and heart over here. Trying to sift through it all.