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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, September 9, 2011

A Few Things

I started going to therapy last week. I had my second session yesterday. So far I really like my therapist which is a nice change from my last experience with counseling where I stopped after the first session because the lady was a douche. Counseling is through Angel Babies of Hinds Hospice. A volunteer came to the hospital after Camille died, she was very kind and gave me information. Thank goodness because the social worker was, um, USELESS (she said~ let me know if you need anything, like a new dead baby mama knows what they need other than an alive baby, thank you very much for nothing lady). So I am feeling positive about my new endeavor on therapy.

I took my son to a pediatrician appointment the other day because he has been complaining of a stomach ache several times a day for 2 straight weeks. I talked to the doctor for an extended amount of time about Camille's death, the car accident, my husbands job situation and the stress in our home. He said he thinks my son's stomach aches are a physical manifestation of stress. Kai talks about Camille a lot. Even this morning over breakfast he was saying that he was sad because she died and told me all the things he wanted to teach her. It just breaks my heart. He has been stressed to be away from me and so he has been staying shorter days at school (he only goes 2 days a week) and he talks about the car crash all the time. I know this is taking a toll on him and it is hard because all I can do is let him talk, do art, and tell him and show him how much I love him. I wish I could protect him from sadness and death. It is hard that he has to learn such a hard thing at such a young age.  

I am going out of town this weekend. I'm going home to Santa Cruz and one of my closest friends had a baby boy 3 weeks ago. I am just not ready to see her or the baby yet, which makes me feel bad but well I just CAN'T. I wish I had talked to my therapist about it but I forgot.

Yesterday was my first day with my husband at work, Kai at school, my mother gone and me not working. I stayed busy ALL day and didn't come home. It actually turned out to be a good day. I ended the day with a CD my therapist let me borrow on guided imagery A meditation to ease grief by Belleruth Naparstek...It made me cry, it was lovely...but there was a little too much guiding. It was relaxing though.

This morning Kai and I went for a walk....and I just started my period (in my white lace underwear of course) for the first time since giving birth 9 weeks ago. My thoughts are everywhere: It is amazing to me that my body continues to function after being unable to keep my daughter alive in my womb. It was amazing to me that my body was able to give birth after her death. I am also glad I started my period. It took me 9 months after my son was born and I knew the sooner I started my period the sooner I would start ovulating and then the possibility of pregnancy is available. We have our perinatology appointment this next Monday.

There is just a lot going on inside this head and heart over here. Trying to sift through it all.


  1. Sending you lots and lots of love.

    It makes sense to me that Kai is experiencing this physical manifestation of all the sadness and trauma that your family has had to endure recently. I am so sorry. And it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help him express his feelings, to feel safe and secure, and to grieve in his own way as well. You are an amazing, loving mama to both of your children.

    I wasn't able to see any newborns for a good 8 months after Otis died. I don't think you need to feel guilty AT ALL for not being able to spend time with your friend and her baby.


  2. Well I want to congratulate you on starting your period! I haven't yet :( I hope I do soon so we can start this baby making again! :) wishing us both luck!
    Second I'm glad to hear you are happy about your new therapist! I haven't been yet and I'm kindof dreading it cause well, I think I'll just cry the whole time! So it's nice to hear it went well! I think I'll call to set up an appt!
    Third I hope you have a good time visiting home! I just got back from NYC! It was a fun time!
    Sending you and Camille loves!!!
    One price of advice I love...Go easy on your heart!

  3. Glad your body is doing all it should be doing right now. I felt the same when I got my period back. Glad all was back to normal, but pissed as hell that it got it so wrong when it came to keeping the baby alive.
    I'll be thinking of you as you move towards thinking about another pregnancy, if of course that is what you want. We're all here for you.

  4. Dear Renel....
    Thank you so much for your gorgeous comment on my updater blog and so sorry to hear about your little one. The loss of a child is such an overwhelming tragedy but please know that we're all here for you. Each day somehow gets easier and here to share the journey with you. I'm a little slow with blogging at the moment but hoping to be back on more regularly soon. Thinking of you always and have added you to my private blog list... please let me know if it doesn't come through.
    Love always xoxo

  5. I'm glad your therapist is working out for you--I started seeing one when I was at the end of my pregnancy with O and she's been so great ever since. But, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, you crack me up--"because the lady was a douche!"

    I remember getting my period after Calla died and not even really realizing it--I thought I was just bleeding again post-delivery. But then I was just kind of in shock--it was as though I'd forgotten how my body was supposed to work after it had failed me so miserably.

    Thinking of you--be good to yourself as best you can.

  6. Thank you so much for your kinds words on Cullen's anniversary. Reading your words I am so heartbroken for you and the loss of you precious daughter Camille. I remember the early days.. getting my first period after Cullen was born. It is all so surreal. Sending you light today.. xo

  7. I'm so sorry (this is my first visit to your blog) for your loss. I have a 15 month old son, and just found out I'm pregnant again... I just can't even imagine going through what you've been through. The thought of it literally takes my breath away. It will take a long time to heal, but you will get there <3 Positive thoughts your way from me,

  8. Alright just left a long comment, and it was erased for a third time today on blogger. Grrrrr. What I said was: Oh, Kai, it breaks my heart the way children grieve and internalize all the stuff we go through. I have a book called Baby Buddhas that is a book on how to teach children to meditate. I do the meditations with my kids fairly often, and it is always a great time to talk afterwards about what they are feeling. It also helps me meditate. And about your friend, it sounds like you know what you can and can't handle. It is so important to honor that right now. Sending you love, Renel. As always. xo


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