About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, September 16, 2011

I Can't, But I Am

This pretty much sums up...how I have been feeling about Camille's death.
About giving birth to a baby who is dead.
About giving birth to my daughter who was dead.
About me continuing on and living even when I felt broken beyond measure.
About me existing without my second child.

I just miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. 
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I don't have a choice.
I wish I could change this.
I miss her
I can't do this....
but I'm doing it anyway.


  1. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I hate it most when people say things like, "I don't know how you can do this. I could never do it."

    You're right. It's a real bitch. It's awful and the most horrific thing I've ever endured. But I didn't have a choice and you don't either. None of us do. I felt the same feelings. Giving birth to a dead child? MY dead child? I don't have a lot of options in the matter, honestly.

    But yeah, green sign.

  2. I totally get where you're coming from. I'm not really sure when those feelings changed for me (and some days, they're back), but it took me at least 6-8 months after losing Drew to feel like I might want to go on with my life. Like I said, it's been 14 months and I still have days where I don't think I can do it/don't want to do it, but they're fewer now.

    I only hope you get there quicker than I did, because it stinks feeling that way. Just continue to go through the motions of life and one day, you'll wake up and realize how even though you don't want to live life without her, that you're able to do it and not just going through the motions anymore.

    Somedays the only thing that gets me through is to realize that I'm one day closer to holding Drew again. Probably kind of weird to look forward to being one day closer to my own death, but when your baby dies, I think a lot of things that used to be weird are now normal.

    Hugs to you :)

  3. Oh my god, mama, that sign is perfect. Yes. Me too.

    Sending you so much love.


  4. I hope none of you get me wrong... I'm not even close to suicidal. That's not my bag. Besides I'm way to scared of death to kill myself. I just have a hard tim DEALING with not having my baby girl. Sometimes it just feels like something I am incapable of coping with. That I may actually physically break. My heart is broken. My mind is broken. But... But... I have to heal and live and live for my son who fills me with joy and wonder daily. How can we love so deeply and feel so empty simultaneously. I guess we grieve deeply because we love deeply.

  5. Yes. Our other children are such a tonic, and they make us go on. You just want to dig your head in the sand and make it go away, but YOU don't want to go awyay.
    My biggest fear is/was that I'd 'lose my mind'. I've certainly lost my shit - ALOT, but thankfully my mind has remained intact, so far. I think the antidepressants are working well for me and the days when I feel like this (sign above) are fewer.
    You're doing amazingly well Mama Renel. You have no choice I know, but you are doing amazingly well. Keep writing, keep telling us how much you miss her. We'll keep listening.
    How DID this happen? I say that to myself all the time. How can one of MY children be dead?!
    Love and strength to you. xo

  6. you can't, but you do and one day you'll look back and realize you did and still are.

    I love what the comment above from Kate says ' Keep telling us how much you miss her and we'll keep listening.

    You are in the thick of it and it sucks and I'm so, so very sorry. But life will get easier. The pain won't be as sharp as it is now.

    Lots of love to you. And to Camille.

  7. This is so true, and I love how you wrote this post!


I would love to hear what is on your mind