I just signed back onto Face.book. I let the very public world know about Camille's death. What a painful thing to write. I haven't wanted to be on that site AT ALL. It is this happy land where people only post about all the joy in their lives. Every other post is about babies, pregnancy or babies and pregnancy! It is the online version of pleasantville. I don't know how much I will really be able to hang out there. IT IS PAINFUL for me. BUT. there are people who I know genuinely care and have wondered and it has been 2.5 months. SO. I wrote it. I wrote about Camille dieing and I hit POST. It is weird, like I was coming out about my daughter's death. This place, the baby loss blog-land, feels so safe and accepting. Out their in the land where people's babies don't die. In the charmed world, it seems tumultuous to speak of my daughter. I am 13 black cats. I am broken mirrors and certainly broken dreams. I am scared about putting it out there. Maybe, it is the thought of opening myself up to more ignorant comments. I am hoping that I get support and love.
I actually cried after posting about it...my thoughts: "Oh Shit, it's out there now, no turning back" In some weird way I guess if the whole world doesn't know, maybe I am still pregnant or happily raising my daughter away from the public eye. It was all up to public speculation and a speculation I knew people would probably think the worst, and they are right. BUT...to me the ambiguous aspect of people not knowing allows some strange piece of my mind to believe that maybe just maybe~ I don't know what happened either. Maybe, just maybe I am still pregnant or happily raising my daughter away from the public eye. The mind is a very strange and twisted place, well at least mine is. I know some people actually thought I died, well a little piece of me did, but I am living and breathing, just really really broken. I may be hiding or deleting people. I may be deactivating my account again...but it's out there. People know. People know my daughter is dead. Gulp. My daughter is dead.