About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


I just signed back onto Face.book. I let the very public world know about Camille's death. What a painful thing to write. I haven't wanted to be on that site AT ALL. It is this happy land where people only post about all the joy in their lives. Every other post is about babies, pregnancy or babies and pregnancy! It is the online version of pleasantville. I don't know how much I will really be able to hang out there. IT IS PAINFUL for me. BUT. there are people who I know genuinely care and have wondered and it has been 2.5 months. SO. I wrote it. I wrote about Camille dieing and I hit POST. It is weird, like I was coming out about my daughter's death.  This place, the baby loss blog-land, feels so safe and accepting. Out their in the land where people's babies don't die. In the charmed world, it seems tumultuous to speak of my daughter. I am 13 black cats. I am broken mirrors and certainly broken dreams. I am scared about putting it out there. Maybe, it is the thought of opening myself up to more ignorant comments. I am hoping that I get support and love.

I actually cried after posting about it...my thoughts: "Oh Shit, it's out there now, no turning back" In some weird way I guess if the whole world doesn't know, maybe I am still pregnant or happily raising my daughter away from the public eye. It was all up to public speculation and a speculation I knew people would probably think the worst, and they are right. BUT...to me the ambiguous aspect of people not knowing allows some strange piece of my mind to believe that maybe just maybe~ I don't know what happened either. Maybe, just maybe I am still pregnant or happily raising my daughter away from the public eye. The mind is a very strange and twisted place, well at least mine is. I know some people actually thought I died, well a little piece of me did, but I am living and breathing, just really really broken. I may be hiding or deleting people. I may be deactivating my account again...but it's out there. People know. People know my daughter is dead. Gulp. My daughter is dead.


  1. All of my family and close friends are on my Facebook page. I wanted to let everyone know about Braedon right away but the thought of making all those phone calls was unbearable. So I posted it on FB. I felt so guilty to do it that way, but I knew it was the easiest method. I recieved a lot of I am sorry for your loss, so on and so on. Those words brought me tears but comfort as well.

    But you know now I feel a lot of anger. No one calls to check on us, no one sent a card. We had a small memorial and a few people came but no one else even asked about our plans. I wonder if since I put it out on Facebook, everyone thought replies were good enough.

    That being said, I think it is good that you posted it. It is easier to get it done in one swoop. I am glad that I did not have to tell everyone individually and face that pain over and over and over.

    Sending you hugs across the wires,

  2. It's just so awful isn't it? To write it down like that, and read back your own words "my daughter is dead", "my son passed away at 5 days old". I makes something that seems so unreal, all the more real. Even now sometimes it all seems like a bad dream.
    I also did this. But first I culled the friends list quite a bit then posted a message. I briefly described that it really seemed crass to notify people that way, but, I really wanted to end the 'is the baby here yet?!' messages (and there were alot). I'm on face book alot, but more to just catch up on what others are up to. I rarely post status updates, or reply to others. It all seems so trivial. I'd like to post an update every day about how i'm doing, but I fear there would be no response and that would just cut too deep.
    I'm happy for you to friend me (please) - Kate Thurgood.
    Oh, it's all so bloody hard. Love to you Renel. xo

  3. I have written about this numerous times, but deleting my FB account was the first thing I did after I found out Hope had died. And I stayed away from it for 18 months. I got back on when Angus was a few months old, when I felt more willing and able to share snippets of my life again. I try and post about all three of my babies equally. No guesses for the baby who gets the least amount of "likes" and comments. Especially when it comes to friends in my real life. Babyloss friends always chime in with something kind to say, and that's another reason I'm back on. Community building. I'll look you up.

  4. Our minds can be totally tricky. Since I work in a school, students know that I obviously had a child, a son, but do not know he died. It's hard to hide a 9 month belly to a bunch of children. They ask about Andrew all the time, and in my twisted mind, I kindly oblige to their discussion of "how old is his" if I can't change the subject first. In some ways, it makes him feel real and alive again even though I know it's sheer fantasy. It's what I want to be true but not the story I anticipated at all.

    I hate facebook and won't be on for probably eternity. It's happyland. I can't do it.

  5. FB was how I told everyone, too--well, except for family and my closest friends. Mostly because I needed to get it out to as many people at once so I wouldn't have to keep saying it over and over. The day we got back from the hospital I posted a message, which I know was a shock and a downer to most people. But I wrote something like, "Sad news: our daughter Calla Valentina was stillborn. We will be crying forever." Or something like that.

    And you know what? People who I NEVER would have thought would care have been so supportive. Like, almost two years out and still sending me messages telling me they are thinking of her, and us, and missing her with us.

    I was floored. And continue to be shocked by it. But it was hard putting my life out there. I felt, though, that all these other babies get to be congratulated and oohed and aahed over, why not acknowledge my baby too? Plus, I needed to fend off the "baby yet?!" comments like Kate.

    What's really a mind fuck to me now is FB is doing this stupid thing where it shows what you posted "on this day" tow years ago, last year. And, hardy har, the othey day up popped my post from 2009 where I merrily quipped, "there's only one in there!" from my sonogram day.

    Fuck you, FB.

    Love to you. I'mma look you up too :)

  6. Facebook is evil! It is so full of happiness that I want to gag every time I'm on there...yet I keep going back. I deactivated my account and was gone for, I think, two months. It was nice to be away. It was freeing, too, because I didn't worry about checking statuses or seeing someone's happy pregnant/baby pictures.

    I'm back now only because I do wonder what is going on with my friends.. the ones I care about at least. I've hidden so many people (all of the pregnant ones or the ones who post too many baby pics) but that's ok with me. They can go on living their happy little lives. I just don't need to know about it.

    Hide or delete people if you need to. Don't feel bad about it. It took a lot of courage for you to post that about Camille. I only posted a few pictures of flowers we received and the little certificate the nurses made for me. Sometimes I want to write some words on there about Aidan. Most of my friends on fb know what happened, so I guess it wouldn't be too off-putting if I did write something. Courage!

    And you are so right in your last post - We don't want to do this, but we have to. We are doing it anyway. What else can we do?


    p.s. I'm not super searchable but I will try to find you too.

  7. It is amazing isn't it - this pressure to feel like we should edit the sad things out of our lives so as not to ruin the 'upbeat' mood on facebook? Our story was more like Mary Anne's - I just posted a copy of Z's death notice from the newspaper, and we were amazed by the support and love from most people. I just needed everyone to know that our lives had been torn apart. There were some people who stayed silent - thankfully no one who I counted as a significant friend or family member.

    But yes, nothing makes it more real than having to tell people.

  8. I still love FB and use it to connect to countless other BLMs. It can be used for GOOD; it truly can. I am involved in a loss forum (if you feel you need some more support please say the word!!!), and I upload remembrance images when one of my BLM has a remembrance date to honor their babies. I don't give a shit what non loss people think - this is our new reality, and I refuse to pretend it isn't. The way I see it, if people don't like the constant reminders from us and our FB blm friends that yes, sometimes babies do die...well, then they can hide or delete us! Good riddance. I will be your FB blm buddy if you need some more support there. xo ~Lindsay


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