On Par

Yesterday I spent the day with fluid flying out of every orifice of my body, hung over the toilet and lounging on the bathroom floor. I haven't been that sick in who knows how long. I ached in every joint and got up at 3am with a fever of 101. I realize that this is on par for how my life has been in the past 2 months. You know the saying when it rains it pours and then in my case it hails and hurricanes. My daughter dies, my husband gets a job as an elementary vice principle which he has been working on for the past 2 years. Then while my mother is in town trying to help with the transition of my husband going back to work and dealing with my grief and mothering a 2.5 year old, we get into a horrific car crash . With all of the stress of losing our daughter and the car crash my husband calls everyone from the priciples, curriculum directors, area superintendants and district superintedent to tell them he won't be taking the job and why. Everyone is very "understanding" that he needs to be with his family right now. BUT...it is hard. He was interviewing for these jobs a week after Camille died. It was hard for me but I was trying to support him. I think he was just on "Go" mode. Then he got what he wanted. After the car crash I think he realized how easy it would be for us all to be taken away. I think this actually made the stress of Camille's death manifest itself in a more palpable way.

My brother came into town yesterday to pick up my mother and take her home to Oregon. I haven't seen him in at least a year. He is my older brother...not the one I wrote about here. My little brother who was spoken of in the linked post, at least called me while I was in the hospital. My older brother didn't call me after Camille died, not for weeks until I complained about it to my mother. Then when he did call he said how sad it made him, he had been incredibly busy and everytime he thought to call it seemed to late at night....wow...the excuses...I guess my baby's death doesn't rank high enough on the to do list for a phone call. It makes me feel very "oh yeah I should call my sister" secondary and insignificant.

UGH...Anyway I woke up yesterday and all hell broke loose with my body. I think in my delerium and tears I thought well this really is on par for my life right now. This is a physical manifestation of the shit and puke of my life. My body aches like my soul aches and no one can deal with this except me. I just have to keep vomiting and shitting until I run out...I wish it were that easy in dealing with the grief of my daughter's death. I feel better today....not 100% and I spent most of the day in bed....I wish I could mend my broken heart so quickly...but instead I will feel like this on the inside forever. The anguish of this is palpable. I have been crying about Camille more today than usual during the day. I think I am so exhausted and run down from being ill that I have no control over my sadness and everything is very raw and at the surface. I said Hi to my brother but he didn't want to get sick with a 2 day drive in front of them and my mother left without a good enough goodbye because I was on the bathroom floor sobbing. It all just fucking figures....I actually said this to them..."It just figures that I would get the flu, after everything I have been through, it just figures"