About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

On Par

Yesterday I spent the day with fluid flying out of every orifice of my body, hung over the toilet and lounging on the bathroom floor. I haven't been that sick in who knows how long. I ached in every joint and got up at 3am with a fever of 101. I realize that this is on par for how my life has been in the past 2 months. You know the saying when it rains it pours and then in my case it hails and hurricanes. My daughter dies, my husband gets a job as an elementary vice principle which he has been working on for the past 2 years. Then while my mother is in town trying to help with the transition of my husband going back to work and dealing with my grief and mothering a 2.5 year old, we get into a horrific car crash . With all of the stress of losing our daughter and the car crash my husband calls everyone from the priciples, curriculum directors, area superintendants and district superintedent to tell them he won't be taking the job and why. Everyone is very "understanding" that he needs to be with his family right now. BUT...it is hard. He was interviewing for these jobs a week after Camille died. It was hard for me but I was trying to support him. I think he was just on "Go" mode. Then he got what he wanted. After the car crash I think he realized how easy it would be for us all to be taken away. I think this actually made the stress of Camille's death manifest itself in a more palpable way.

My brother came into town yesterday to pick up my mother and take her home to Oregon. I haven't seen him in at least a year. He is my older brother...not the one I wrote about here. My little brother who was spoken of in the linked post, at least called me while I was in the hospital. My older brother didn't call me after Camille died, not for weeks until I complained about it to my mother. Then when he did call he said how sad it made him, he had been incredibly busy and everytime he thought to call it seemed to late at night....wow...the excuses...I guess my baby's death doesn't rank high enough on the to do list for a phone call. It makes me feel very "oh yeah I should call my sister" secondary and insignificant.

UGH...Anyway I woke up yesterday and all hell broke loose with my body. I think in my delerium and tears I thought well this really is on par for my life right now. This is a physical manifestation of the shit and puke of my life. My body aches like my soul aches and no one can deal with this except me. I just have to keep vomiting and shitting until I run out...I wish it were that easy in dealing with the grief of my daughter's death. I feel better today....not 100% and I spent most of the day in bed....I wish I could mend my broken heart so quickly...but instead I will feel like this on the inside forever. The anguish of this is palpable. I have been crying about Camille more today than usual during the day. I think I am so exhausted and run down from being ill that I have no control over my sadness and everything is very raw and at the surface. I said Hi to my brother but he didn't want to get sick with a 2 day drive in front of them and my mother left without a good enough goodbye because I was on the bathroom floor sobbing. It all just fucking figures....I actually said this to them..."It just figures that I would get the flu, after everything I have been through, it just figures"


  1. Oh love. This is all so rough. To have a car accident on top of losing your daughter is really nasty luck. So glad that you & your family were able to walk away - though it sounds like you may need some on-going care for your mum's foot and your whiplash. And the stuff with your husband's job is really tricky too - getting the balance between gradually getting back into 'normal' life and allowing enough time & space for your grief is really hard. And your brothers - gah. They should know this, but it's worth letting them know that you're hurt by their lack of response and that you'd really appreciate some support at the moment, even if they don't know quite what to say.

    Sounds like you are being gentle with yourself while you recover from the flu - hope you are on the mend soon xxxxh

  2. Sending you so much love. You've had a run of shitty luck, pardon the pun. Wish I could "fix" this for you. All of it. Mostly, Camille back safely in your arms.

  3. I'm so sorry about the lack of effort from your brother. Men (not all of course) are so different in grieving. My Dad and brother just can't go there when it comes to talking about Joseph. They have to be the strong ones, the 'men', fixers etc. But it's exhausting making excuses for anyone making excuses for not making an effort. When our babies die, people should just drop their own shit and make the calls/visits.
    I'm sorry too that you've been so ill. It's horrible to be so ill on top of the grief. I feel for you and went through bad health a couple of weeks ago.
    And I think your husband is amazing to pass on the job for his family. He sounds very self aware.
    And finally. I just wish she was here, then most of this other stuff wouldn't even get a weigh in. Healing thoughts for your physical recovery. xo

  4. Hi,

    Thank you for your comment on my blog. I am so terribly sorry for your loss of Camille. And I'm also sorry that life has continued to throw difficult obstacles at you even after your loss. Being sick sucks, especially when you already feel so defeated.

    But you are doing such an amazing thing by blogging, I remember in the first few weeks, I would have been lost without an outlet. There are so many women like us (BLMs-baby loss moms) who feel all too similar to how you feel and can help you feel so much less alone in this.

    Good luck and again I'm so sorry.

  5. I am so sorry you are so sick - hoping that by today you feel at least a little better.

    My sister-in-law handled Otis's death a lot like it sounds your brother did. Except my SIL lives across the street from me. But she could barely look at me or talk to me for weeks. "It was too hard for her" she would tell our shared friends. I wanted to scream, "HARD FOR HER?!?!?!" And it's difficult to come back from that afterwards.

    I'm also really sorry to hear about your husband's job situation. It is so sad to me when we see the ripples of how the losses of our children affect every other part of our life, and then we are faced with grieving not only the loss of our precious children, but also the loss of other dreams we had as well. I do think though that your husband is making the right choice - you do need to be together right now. I hope that when he is ready to reenter the work force that there will be the perfect vice-principal job just waiting for him.

    lots of love. xoxo

  6. I am so sorry you're feeling so terrible--I hope by the time you read this comment you're at least physically recovering a bit.

    I love when people have no idea what to do, and please catch the sarcasm in that line. I mean, how freaking hard is it to call--or heck, even write in a note--I'm sorry, I love you, my heart breaks for you?

    Thinking of you and sending healing vibes from the opposite end of the country to you.


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