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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dumb and Dumber

I talked to my little brother for the second time since Camille died the other day. He doesn't get it...just like everyone else. He doesn't have kids.  I know he loves me but he said something stupid... during a slow part of our conversation when he was obviously at a loss for where to go next in a conversation with his sister who's baby recently died. He said "so have you been having a good summer?" SERIOUSLY are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I said "um NO MY BABY JUST DIED" and he said ..."well yeah but besides that" I actually started laughing...Idiot...I love him...but GEEZE!!

I went to my primary care physicians office the other day to get drops for my eyes, I had an eye infection...probably from rubbing my eyes from crying so much. I haven't been to the doctor in about 2 years. He didn't know I was ever pregnant. He said well your other eye is red too and I said well that's because I have been crying. He asked why...I said my baby died...I told him about Camille...briefly, I just wanted my eye drops. He then proceeded to tell me that it happened to his niece and I should look at the bright side, that it could be worse and then said "if they had delivered her earlier before she died she might have had brain damage and you would have had to deal with a brain damaged child for 50-70 years, would you want that"?? SERIOUSLY- he asked me if I would want a brain damaged baby. Then he proceeded to tell me about a colleague who's daughter just drowned, and his brother who has cancer. I couldn't even believe my ears...he told me it could be worse! MY BABY JUST DIED-- STUPID ASSHOLE! I kept thinking...I am so glad I'm not married to this guy. I didn't even freak out at him. I just wanted him to stop talking and give me my prescription.

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11 comments:

  1. Hope's MamaAugust 28, 2011 at 7:14 PM

    Ugh, this post made me laugh, but not in a "oh that's hilarious" kinda way. Just in a "if you don't laugh you'll cry" kinda way. People can be such jerks, and I can sympathise with you about your brother. I had people in my family/circle of friends like this. You can't help but still love them, but it is frustrating. Banging my head up against a wall for you.
    xo

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  2. AngieAugust 28, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    HA!! I don't mean to laugh but people are just so clueless! I wish I would have started a journal of all the idiotic things people have said to me and my husband. The best was when our disgusting, over weight, middle aged neighbor who lives with his mom told my husband, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a horse a few years ago who had a stillborn so I know what it's like."

    My husband, the calm one in our marriage, replied with, "I'm sorry." And then walked away. Thank God we're able to laugh at their stupidity.

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  3. KateAugust 29, 2011 at 7:59 AM

    OMG! Unbelievable. No, scrap that. Totally believable. Sounds like that doctor had a bad case of verbal diarrhea, or pringle mouth - once he popped, he just couldn't stop. Sorry about the bad jokes. Like Sally said - if you don't laugh, you cry.
    I've had a few people say to me that if Joseph had have been born earlier, maybe he would have been brain damaged but lived, and that would have been worse. And then there's the heavily pregnant kinder Mum hugging me, pushing her pregnant belly in my babyless, wombless belly, whispering 'some people just have to go through these things'!
    It's the extremes. Those who can't talk about it, would rather talk about the weather, and those who do, but say all the wrong things.
    I'm sorry you had to hear all this. xo

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  4. sarahAugust 29, 2011 at 4:04 PM

    WTH. I cannot believe the stupid things that some people say. Urgh.

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  5. still life angieAugust 30, 2011 at 4:11 AM

    Oh, Renel, what the hell...people. ARGH! I had someone say the brain-damaged thing to me and I had to respond. I invoked autopsy reports, and the 23 vials of blood and I spewed venom. The death of babies just messes with people's sense of the world and they spent their time trying to find a reason, instead of touch that place of human decency which would comfort the bereaved. Sending love, glad you could put this in perspective. Something wrong with the douchey doctor and not you.

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  6. HeatherSeptember 1, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    I once thought of writting a book detailing all of the stupid things people did or said to me in the months following Logan's death. Family members hurt the most because I felt like they should've gotten it by proxy. I have mostly brothers. The only one to feel horror was my older brother, he has 3 girls. But one of my brother's recently spent the last 9 months thinking he was soon to be a daddy, only to find out shortly after the birth that the baby was in fact not his...I think he gets it now. He talks like a baby loss daddy. He grieves, months later, for a son who he thought he had...only to watch it go walking away in the arms of another man. And recenlty another brother and his wife got pregnant and thought they were having issues and he said to me "I don't want to be like you and David!" referring to our sadness? But I think he started to feel a little of our terror. I dunno why people say such idiotic things. I've come to believe its because dead babies are so huge and scary that they freak people out to the point of dimwitedness! Especially doctors! I'll never get that! Some of the worse stuff came from other medical prfessionals! My MD said "These things happen, best not to let it get you down. Logan was very ill (Downs) and its best this way!" I always felt like "HUH?!" Because frankly, I'd take a sick and retarded Logan over a dead Logan...but hey, maybe I'm just selfish!

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  7. briannaSeptember 1, 2011 at 12:24 PM

    There is no excuse for such careless words from your doctor. None. I swear medical schools need to have more emphasis put on bedside manner. It is so ludicrous.

    As for your brother...he will probably get it one day when he has his own children. At least, he will get some small tiny inking of it when he holds his child for the first time.

    I like what Heather had to say, "I've come to believe its because dead babies are so huge and scary that they freak people out to the point of dimwitedness!" I think our society grows adults who don't want to even think about babies dying let alone think about how to deal with the parents of a dead baby. It is just beyond most people's capacity to deal with.

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  8. LareinaSeptember 7, 2011 at 7:33 AM

    People just don't understand. They think they do but until it happens to you, you don't realize how heartbreaking it is. I've had several "Everything happens for a reason" comments and yah, that just doesn't make it any better... There's never a good reason for your baby to die.

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  9. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2011 at 12:52 PM

    My jaw is on the floor. I am so so sorry for the stupidity of other people. Ugh

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  10. AoifeSeptember 27, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    I had, "You were chosen because you are so strong"... thanks, but I'd rather be weak and have my baby - alive.

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  11. Laura BeckOctober 20, 2011 at 11:55 AM

    My brother hasn't called me since my son died. Because he has a hard time dealing with emotions. He has two kids. One of which is a new born boy. Sometimes there isn't any excuse. Stupidity or avoidance..... they both suck.

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