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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Superstitious Much?

I am the type who talks to the moon, wishes on stars and dandelion puffs. I pick up dimes because they are lucky. I talk to the universe and believe in putting positivity out to swirl around. Good vibes to me = prayers to someone else.

Since Camille died I have been angry... Mostly at myself and also at the moon. Did I use too many wishes for my body post birth instead of the healthiness of my baby? Why did the universe allow this to happen? Did she not see how much pain and anguish this would cause? does she not know I can not continue to take the sadness that seems to be thrown at me over and over? What lesson am I not learning? Who in the heck did I piss off?

So the superstition...It gets tangled in the guilt. I don't believe in destiny but I wonder...if I just had done one thing different would the outcome be different? The whole concept of: if I drove down the street 2 minutes earlier or later, I wouldn't have gotten in the car accident.
Weird things that took place that have me slightly creeped out:

1. I went to Costco the Monday before Camille died. There was a lady who I refer to as the creepy voodoo lady. I walked past her in one of the isles twice and she just glared and glared at me both times. I remember thinking: I wonder if she knows something that I don't about this baby. ~Weird

2. When I was scheduling my ultrasound the week before, I had requested the same ultrasound tech for each visit. When I called to make this appointment the tech was not going to be in town. I remember thinking that it was bad luck to use someone else but knew that wasn't logical and I should just go in and not wait until the following day when that tech would be available. I went in anyway and didn't use my regular ultrasound tech.

3. When I went to the hospital on the morning that I found out Camille was dead I walked into the ER at around 5:30 in the morning. I live in a city with over 600,000 people in it. The ER was COMPLETELY empty. Not one person in the waiting room...Almost like the ER was quietly, patiently waiting just for me and my daughter. ~Weird

I know all of these things do not kill babies...but....but...it is all just so weird. Obviously I have had way to much time to think about the day I delivered Camille and the days that led up to and followed it. Maybe I am trying to find a reason even if it isn't rational. I know I blame myself for my daughters death and I think a piece of me wants to believe it was out of my control, that it was because I went to Costco on Monday or used a different ultrasound tech. The coulda/shoulda/wouldas will haunt me for the rest of my life.

1 comment:

  1. I have had some of those retrospective type eeriness after Lucy died too. I love the line that you are angry at yourself and the moon. How beautiful. I always balk at the idea of jinxes, and yet totally subscribe to magical thinking, so after Lucy died, I felt caught between those two feelings. Every casual thought became so complicated, like a dirty look/evil eye. I wish I could say I reconciled that easily, but I still wrestle with it. With love. xo


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