We went for a walk as a family last night. Beautiful summer evening with our son holding on to each of our hands swinging back and forth then letting go, running ahead and then runnig back. 12 geese flew over us and my son was so excited about the "honkers". I couldn't help myself. I just started crying. It wasn't the geese, or my son being cute....it was that all I could think was that we should be walking as a family of four. Our daughter should have been in a stroller and we should have been glowing with love and fulfillment and instead I am postpartum and frumpy with tears streaming down my face as we pass our neighbors walking their dogs and they have never acknowledged that our daughter died. They pretend nothing happened which is excruciating. I just walk on missing my daughter and the life I was supposed to be living.
Tonight we met up with some friends for dinner. I haven't seen the man since Camille died. He gave me a kiss and hug but Camille was never mentioned, no "I'm so sorry your baby died" nothing...silence. Like I was never pregnant, like I didn't just give birth to a dead baby, like none of it ever happened. It is excruciating how silent people are. It hurts me SO much. We went downtown to the farmers market and the national championship poll vaulting competition. We were having a good time. My son at 2.5 has decided he wants to be a poll vaulter. Everything was going well. Until we decided to actually walk through the farmers market. Every other woman was either pregnant or had a tiny baby is a sling or stroller. FUCK seriously?...I didn't expect to start crying and I just couldn't stop. My husband says as we are leaving "what set you off" and I told him about all the babies and he said..."you have a baby" I said "he is not a baby and it's different"...He should know better. Seems like people either say nothing or the wrong thing....Everyone gets a giant FAIL! Fuck you EVERYONE I hate you all!