About Me

My photo
My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

It Is What It Is

I say this a lot: "it is what it is" I guess I don't know how to describe how WEIRD my life got the day our daughter died. I kept repeating that word over and over that day, and the days that followed. "This is just so WEIRD" it was almost like I could not believe what was happening. I ended a lot of conversations with "it is what it is" Maybe because I could not find the right words to fully express how tragic and desperate the situation is, or maybe it is because there was so much out of my control with no known reason.

So Kai seems to talk about Camille more at night around bed time. I am not always sure how the topic comes up but I try and bring her up or ask him how he is feeling in order for him to feel comfortable talking about his feelings. Last night I asked him if he was happy and he said "yes", I said "is papa happy?" and he said "yes, and mama is happy but sometimes sad about baby Camille. Because baby Camille died" and I said yes, baby Camille died. He then shouts to his father downstairs "Papa, Baby Camille died" there was no response so he shouts again "Papa, baby Camille died". Daryl yells up..."Yes Kai"
This almost makes me laugh and cry...that my 2.5 year old is shouting about his baby sister being dead...at least he is talking about her and feels comfortable to communicate about it...even if it is shouting to someone downstairs about it.
Kai then proceeds to say "I want another baby, one we can bring home"
Me: Sigh..."Yes buddy, I want a baby we can bring home too"
Kai: "but we will still miss Camille"
Me: "yes, we will always miss Camille"
How is my little person so aware and attentive and perceptive? He wants all the same things I want. He can say it in such a simple way. My brain gets all tangled up in the I miss my daughter but I want a baby... is that wrong to want one so soon even if it isn't the one I lost? I have gotten a couple weird looks when I tell people how I wish I was pregnant. I spent almost my entire 34th year growing this little girl and I was so ready to have her as part of our life that now it feels like we are supposed to have a baby. I really wish we had Camille and all those hormones and thoughts don't just magically disappear because she died. Right now all I can do is try and give all my love and attention to my son...just like I have been doing for the past 2.5 years and hope it is enough to carry me. It is not enough but it will have to be...I have no choice.
I miss my baby...with every piece of my existence.


  1. Tears. Tears in my eyes as I read this. Thank you for sharing your daughter and your family here. I'm so sorry you are having to walk this path - so sorry you are having to miss your baby.

    I kept a journal for over a year after my oldest son died - it was one of the healthiest, healing things I did that year. I read where you said that you don't feel like doing anything - any art or reading or anything - I guess I just wanted to suggest that writing this blog IS something.

    Holding you and your family in my thoughts...you are not alone.

  2. Jennifer~ Thank you for your kind words. It is really nice to know I am not alone and that altough I am not thriving...I am surviving and that is as good as I can do right now. Thanks again.

  3. Your precious boy yelling his sister's name from upstairs touched me so much. It's incredible how in tune these little ones are.
    I'm reading through all your posts just now and am so sorry that I missed how new you are to this uneviable world of bablyloss. I'm so sorry that you're here and so so sorry that Camille isn't here with you. I remember the hormones and how they played havoc with my system for quite a number of weeks after Joseph died, probably months in fact. And the overwhelming desire to have another baby. That love and mothering and nurturing of a newborn has to go somewhere?, right? I'll keep reading Renel and holding Camille and you in my heart. xo


I would love to hear what is on your mind