I say this a lot: "it is what it is" I guess I don't know how to describe how WEIRD my life got the day our daughter died. I kept repeating that word over and over that day, and the days that followed. "This is just so WEIRD" it was almost like I could not believe what was happening. I ended a lot of conversations with "it is what it is" Maybe because I could not find the right words to fully express how tragic and desperate the situation is, or maybe it is because there was so much out of my control with no known reason.
So Kai seems to talk about Camille more at night around bed time. I am not always sure how the topic comes up but I try and bring her up or ask him how he is feeling in order for him to feel comfortable talking about his feelings. Last night I asked him if he was happy and he said "yes", I said "is papa happy?" and he said "yes, and mama is happy but sometimes sad about baby Camille. Because baby Camille died" and I said yes, baby Camille died. He then shouts to his father downstairs "Papa, Baby Camille died" there was no response so he shouts again "Papa, baby Camille died". Daryl yells up..."Yes Kai"
This almost makes me laugh and cry...that my 2.5 year old is shouting about his baby sister being dead...at least he is talking about her and feels comfortable to communicate about it...even if it is shouting to someone downstairs about it.
Kai then proceeds to say "I want another baby, one we can bring home"
Me: Sigh..."Yes buddy, I want a baby we can bring home too"
Kai: "but we will still miss Camille"
Me: "yes, we will always miss Camille"
How is my little person so aware and attentive and perceptive? He wants all the same things I want. He can say it in such a simple way. My brain gets all tangled up in the I miss my daughter but I want a baby... is that wrong to want one so soon even if it isn't the one I lost? I have gotten a couple weird looks when I tell people how I wish I was pregnant. I spent almost my entire 34th year growing this little girl and I was so ready to have her as part of our life that now it feels like we are supposed to have a baby. I really wish we had Camille and all those hormones and thoughts don't just magically disappear because she died. Right now all I can do is try and give all my love and attention to my son...just like I have been doing for the past 2.5 years and hope it is enough to carry me. It is not enough but it will have to be...I have no choice.
I miss my baby...with every piece of my existence.