Today is probably the worst day I have had in the last 6 weeks. One of my close friends gave birth to her healthy and very much alive baby boy.
My best friend and doula is also this friends, friend and doula...we are all very close. Both of these women were at Kai's birth. We were so excited that her 3rd baby and my second baby would be 5 weeks apart.
then Camille died and it sucked for us both... Me because my daughter died and her because her friends baby died and she could not really be helpful to me during my loss when she was so close to giving birth. Who wants to be presented with the worst case scenario just weeks before they give birth? I understood. She understood. we promised to just be honest and make sure we communicated. I told her that I didn't want to be a bitter shitty friend, but her child would always remind me of Camile, of what I had lost. I will love my friend and I will love this boy...he is not my girl. Camille was also born on her first daughter's birthday. We are just so intertwined on an ugly level for such close friends.
Every time my BFF/doula called I would answer, expecting the "our friend had her baby" statement. Today was my friends due date and she gave birth this morning. I got "The Call" I have been anticipating since Camille died. I knew it would be hard for me. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I think this was a very positive experience for my BFF/doula because the last birth she attended and baby she held was mine and my baby was dead. This baby was alive, the way they are supposed to be...in the charmed world. When she told me, I asked all the right questions, but the conversation was brief. I said I was relieved...I think I probably was, but don't remember actually feeling that way. I think I felt nothing. I am very glad both mama and baby are safe and alive....But I am not okay. At first I was kind of numb, then sad. Just so sad. I feel hollow. I haven't really functioned all day. Just kind of cried, sat and stared all day with tears and snot all over the place. I wish I could feel happy. I'm just so incredibly sad. I wish it was me. I'm angry it's not. It's a bad day...but only for me.