The other day I saw one of my friends when we went out to get a bagel. She was the woman who watched my son while I was in the hospital giving birth to Camille. She told me about another mom who sent their condolences when they found out about my daughters death. She said people were asking how I was doing and she told them that I was "doing about as good as you can imagine". She said I think you are doing good. I said really? I don't think so ...I feel like total shit. Another couple of my friends said they thought I was doing good or rather not good but better than they expected. I don't know what people's idea of good is. I mean if I go out to get a bagel and I loose my shit while sitting there with my family which actually happened after my friend left that day or if I get through an outing shopping without crying, is one considered better than the other? I am not laying in bed all day. Is that doing good? I am surviving. I cry at home, mostly at night into the early a.m hours between 11pm and 3 a.m. I am not even close to good, I am HORRIBLE. I am surviving. I am taking breaths each day and putting one foot in front of the other...but I am not doing good. I drove for the first time after 6 weeks...I guess that is something...neither good or bad, just trying to get back into the world of the living. I am on anti depressants for the first time in my life...How can I be doing good? Is it defined by not drinking myself into an oblivion or managing to have conversations without crying...never mind that I am not paying attention to anything that is coming out of the other persons mouth and that I am one gulp and swallow away from sobbing all the time. Ya- I'm great!
Did I happen to mention that I cry EVERY time I go to the bagel shop~ Certain places are just a huge triggers. I wear my sunglasses into stores because I am always crying, even if it is for a brief period of time. I guess I feel like I am not doing particularly good, but other people do. This concerns me because I want people to understand that I am not better. I am still desperate about it. Going to the park and seeing tiny blond baby girls is painful. I will continue to be sad and I don't want people to forget.
Please DON'T FORGET. My baby is dead. My daughter is dead. Forever... Forever...I am not good...my baby daughter is dead.