The Haps

I went to my OB the other day for my 6 week postpartum follow up...I think it was mostly to make sure I was doing okay on my antidepressants,  I could take all the pills in the world and it won't make this kind of sad go away.  YAY lets take another depression scale questionnaire...UM YEAH I'M STILL DEPRESSED...go figure. I could tell you that without the scale. My doctor said "I have good news" I said "you saved a bundle on GEICO insurance?" Yeah...I cracked a joke... I mean really? GOOD NEWS? that's almost laughable but what was it you wonder? My depression scale went from a 19 to an 18 hahaha. I have improved by one point! I do laugh and joke, I am generally a chronically happy person. I am just really sad because my daughter just died. I cry everyday. I have bad days, I am sad. I joke also because it is my defense mechanism. Am I a little better than I was a month ago...honestly yes. I cry everyday but not all day. I cried all day the other day but at least that doesn't happen EVERYDAY. He knows I will be sad for the rest of my life. He said I pass the eye test which means I am pulling off the ~my baby didn't just die 6 weeks ago ~ look pretty well.
    I really love my OB. He is incredibly supportive and kind. I wrote him a letter and gave it to him after our appointment. I wanted to tell him how thankful I was that he was so respectful and kind. I want him to never be jaded by being a doctor and seeing death over and over. It should always be sad. He had tears in his eyes when he came to visit me in the hospital before I delivered Camille and he came back at night when he wasn't on call to deliver her. It meant a lot to me that this was sad for him too. Because it's SO FUCKING SAD. I want everyone to be sad about it even my doctor. He told me that this was the worst thing about his job and he was so sorry this happened especially to me. When he said that to me, at the time I didn't understand why he said ~especially to you~ I think it is because of how well I care for myself and my pregnancy. He knew that I had done everything right, he also believes it is SO unfair. I guess having your doctor feel this way is validating.

Here is the letter I wrote him:

Dear Wade, 

Over the last month and a half I have had time to reflect, really perseverate on the actions and transactions leading up to, during and following the birth of our daughter Camille. I re-live everything like a really bad groundhog day over and over and over.

Having your baby die inside you at 38 weeks pregnant is just not on a woman’s radar. It is something that happens to someone else, anyone else, certainly not me. I never would have described myself as entitled, but when you live your life the way I do and take care of yourself the way I do, I felt I was entitled to a healthy living baby. The pregnancy had gone so smoothly, so perfectly. I never anticipated something so tragic happening. I will miss my daughter for the rest of my life. There is a hole in my heart in the shape of her beautiful face.

There are some things that I really wanted you to know. As a medical professional I know there is a difference between providing care and actually caring. They are not always synonymous. I feel as though you genuinely care and this is an invaluable quality in someone who is helping a woman through the most horrific tragedy imaginable.

I am so grateful, so grateful, that you returned to deliver Camille. I lost a little piece of my mind that day and I was terrified of giving birth to a dead baby. You were right about the desire not to want to go through the process. I just wanted to be on the other side of it, but you advised that it was best for my body and recovery if I delivered her vaginally. The thing is, in this situation I needed the best advice, someone looking out for me, caring for me in a way I was unable to do for myself. It makes all the difference in the world that I trusted you. I believed you had my best interest in mind. I trusted you. That fact is not lost on me. The importance of the relationship we had established and built over my pregnancy can not be overstated. I am so glad that I chose you to be my doctor.

Your candidness, compassion and your willingness to listen are all characteristics I was hoping for and am so thankful you possess. I hope you will be able to help Daryl and me continue on our journey to complete our family. I wanted you to know…I appreciate you. 

    He told me that per medical guidelines it is best to wait 1-1.5 years after giving birth before conceiving again but I should wait at least 6 more weeks... um I guess that probably includes sex, which hasn't happened yet. My doctor said he didn't even follow those guidelines with his wife and he knows I would like to be pregnant again yesterday. He wrote me a referral to a perinatologist to get things started like consultations and blood draws so we can be prepared for conception when we are ready to try again.We will see where we go from here.