I went to a moms club event this morning at Tumble.America. I wanted little to get some of his energy out. I knew it would be challenging. Seeing moms who I haven't yet talked to, and those who made our family meals and I haven't sent thank you cards yet. I have to get back into things, for my sons sake. Otherwise I will fold up into my own skin and never see the light of day again. SO I WENT. A dad walks in with his daughter, because his wife had their little girl over the weekend. We were pregnant together. She was one of the last of the group of us to be due. When I saw him I got a flush of anxiety and considered picking up Kai and running out the door. What a strange feeling that was. No control at all. I sat down and tried to think. Logically. Don't run away...Don't run away. Everyone was saying..."Oh _____, you're a big sister". I felt like Kai got so cheated. I couldn't say congratulations...because I'm a jerk. He said nothing about Camille. I did ask how his wife was doing because it was an elective C-section. I didn't really talk to him after that.
Another mom who brought me 2 meals was there...hugely pregnant (6 months). I gave her a hug and asked her how she was doing. Then I asked what she was having...WHY did I do that? (Probably because I don't know quite how to negotiate my sadness and my grief and being in public so I ask and do things I would have before because I feel floundering for small talk.) She is having a girl...of course she is...I didn't talk to her the rest of the morning. At the end of the hour I left, saying goodbye and saying "it was good to see you too" I got in the car feeling exhausted. I started totally sobbing. It was just so much. So much effort, so many babies, so much pregnancy. No one asked about Camille...I want them to but I was also glad they didn't because I would have just cried my eyes out. People tell me "I look good". They are either trying to be kind or are comparing me to my last pregnant puff ball status. 20 pounds overweight plus crying everyday for the last 2.5 months is usually not a good look for most women.
This morning before moms club, I went to the drug store and got some OPK sticks. I have never used them before. Kai asked why we were going to the store so I told him to get something because Mama and Papa want to have another baby. I am looking at the boxes, trying to figure out which one to use. Kai says, "this one won't die" Oh God! I hope not baby, I hope not. When I was crying on our way home from moms club. He said I want to have a baby to bring home. "Please don't be sad anymore mama, I don't want you to be sad. We will have another baby to bring home" (Kids can be so freak'n intuitive) I said "I don't want to be sad anymore either, but I don't always have control over when I get sad, because I miss Camille, but I love you more than anything in the whole world." This parenting while grieving thing can be so tricky.
Between going back to Face.Book yesterday and going to moms club this morning...with all the baby girls born and to be born. It is just hard. And to think I was having a good morning. Feeling confident about going out into the world only to have the universe's equivalent of seagull poop rained down on me. ugh.