I went to a moms club event this morning at Tumble.America. I wanted little to get some of his energy out. I knew it would be challenging. Seeing moms who I haven't yet talked to, and those who made our family meals and I haven't sent thank you cards yet. I have to get back into things, for my sons sake. Otherwise I will fold up into my own skin and never see the light of day again. SO I WENT. A dad walks in with his daughter, because his wife had their little girl over the weekend. We were pregnant together. She was one of the last of the group of us to be due. When I saw him I got a flush of anxiety and considered picking up Kai and running out the door. What a strange feeling that was. No control at all. I sat down and tried to think. Logically. Don't run away...Don't run away. Everyone was saying..."Oh _____, you're a big sister". I felt like Kai got so cheated. I couldn't say congratulations...because I'm a jerk. He said nothing about Camille. I did ask how his wife was doing because it was an elective C-section. I didn't really talk to him after that.
Another mom who brought me 2 meals was there...hugely pregnant (6 months). I gave her a hug and asked her how she was doing. Then I asked what she was having...WHY did I do that? (Probably because I don't know quite how to negotiate my sadness and my grief and being in public so I ask and do things I would have before because I feel floundering for small talk.) She is having a girl...of course she is...I didn't talk to her the rest of the morning. At the end of the hour I left, saying goodbye and saying "it was good to see you too" I got in the car feeling exhausted. I started totally sobbing. It was just so much. So much effort, so many babies, so much pregnancy. No one asked about Camille...I want them to but I was also glad they didn't because I would have just cried my eyes out. People tell me "I look good". They are either trying to be kind or are comparing me to my last pregnant puff ball status. 20 pounds overweight plus crying everyday for the last 2.5 months is usually not a good look for most women.
This morning before moms club, I went to the drug store and got some OPK sticks. I have never used them before. Kai asked why we were going to the store so I told him to get something because Mama and Papa want to have another baby. I am looking at the boxes, trying to figure out which one to use. Kai says, "this one won't die" Oh God! I hope not baby, I hope not. When I was crying on our way home from moms club. He said I want to have a baby to bring home. "Please don't be sad anymore mama, I don't want you to be sad. We will have another baby to bring home" (Kids can be so freak'n intuitive) I said "I don't want to be sad anymore either, but I don't always have control over when I get sad, because I miss Camille, but I love you more than anything in the whole world." This parenting while grieving thing can be so tricky.
Between going back to Face.Book yesterday and going to moms club this morning...with all the baby girls born and to be born. It is just hard. And to think I was having a good morning. Feeling confident about going out into the world only to have the universe's equivalent of seagull poop rained down on me. ugh.
About Me
- Renel
- My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
I am so sorry. That is very brave of you and so selfless to do for your son despite knowing it would rip your insides out. I found a lot of people telling me how great I looked because they seriously cannot tell me anything else-- who wants to ask about my dead son? Hmm, no takers? Let's just comment about how she has worked her ass of to fit back into her skinny jeans then. Yay. And I know all about asking questions you do but secretly do not want to know the answers to. It's like we're not used to responding as a BLM yet and therefore treat it as though we have never experienced tragedy. So many experiences are twisted.
ReplyDeleteI recommend these... in case you're interested in a recommendation: http://www.clearblueeasy.com/clearblue-easy-digital-ovulation-test.php
I buy them on Amazon and I've been knocked up a couple times with their help (not that those are all = live babies, but at least they are getting the job done!). I also buy cheapies from this place: http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/pacof3ovtess.html
Hi there! I'm a new follower... found you throuh Brandy. This post could have been written by me last fall. I had a two-year-old girl when my son died13 months ago. I had to get out there for her sake, but man was it hard. I would love to tell you it gets better, and it does. But it's still hard. It seems all of the preschool-age events are swarming with pg moms and new babies. Parenting while grieving is really tough. Oh, and I deleted my FB account after a few months. I couldn't take the torture. Felt a lot better after that, although I still miss it at times. Hang in there
ReplyDeleteWe know this storm here too. I love your line: this parenting while grieving thing is quite tricky. So true. Kari gave up all her mom groups. And my Tuesday- Thursdays with Stella look different too. And she talks so candidly about death too. The other day we went to see a friend who had their baby and as we arrived, Stella said, "she didn't die daddy?" as if it was out of the normal.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. So damn sorry.
What an exhausting day. You have so much strength to go back to the mom's club with your son. His sensitivity to your grief and sadness is breathtaking. Aiden was our first child, but I hope his little brother is able to feel his presence and has a relationship with his big brother, even it's only in his dreams. xo
ReplyDeleteThis is why my hat goes off to those of you who lose a second or later baby. Because you have to resume living much quicker for the sake of your existing living children. I didn't have to suffer through anything like this, as I was able to hide away from the world a lot longer.
ReplyDeleteSending you my love.
xo
You are such a good mom to Kai for braving that outing. It isn't easy making those steps back out into the world. In fact, it is damn near impossible to go anywhere for a good long while without feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of babyness everywhere and underwhelmed by people's lack of response to the death of your child. It gets better. It doesn't ever become like it was before but it does get easier, I promise you.
ReplyDeleteStepping back into life sucks! Almost 3 years after losing my daughter I still get those heart pains when I see a child of a particular friend that is the same age as my daughter. Watching the milestones and thinking..."Devon would be doing that now."
ReplyDeleteGod, I know what you mean. I took E to his music class that we'd been going to . . . and, tra la la, there was a mom there who, every week, would bring her infant, in his carrier, and prop a MOTHERFUCKING BOTTLE up in his face while she participated with her older son. I wanted to die.
ReplyDeleteBut the worst is when no one acknowledges the fact that you're living through hell. I mean, I know it's an awkward thing to talk about, but how hard is it to say I'm sorry, I've been thinking about you? Facepalm.
Lots, of love, Renel. You're doing this and it's hard and it sucks. how I wish you didn't have to.
xo
Your amazing for finding the strength to get back out there. I have pretty much hidden myself away but three days after we lost Braedon, was my oldest son's b-day. Teenager that he is wanted to go to the mall and look at Ipods. I got dressed and trudged myself to the mall, a wreck of a human being, still sore from delivery and doped up on pills. (of course my husband drove). I know now that we could have put it off but my son posted on his Facebook page later that day, today I had an amazing birthday and I felt my brother watching over us from Heaven. It took my breath away.
ReplyDeleteI know your little guy isn't even three yet, but one day he will look back at the strength you showed during this time and he will be amazed at the truly extraordinary Mother he and his sister were blessed to have.
I start TTC in 2 weeks, maybe we will both get our rainbow babies before Christmas.
Sending love,
Paula
I admire you for doing that. Something that I've found is that people rarely ask me about Eliza, but only just now is it getting easier for me to mention her without crying. So don't feel like you're being disloyal or anything if you can't talk about her yet. You're honoring her by continuing to be a good mom to your son. I've had so many days when the act of being social absolutely sucked every ounce of energy out of me and I'd end up sobbing in my car on the drive home.
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best of luck with the OPKs and the TTC.
This reminds me of going to a family birthday party 5 months after losing Addison and unexpectedly seeing a friend of the family whose daughter was born 3 months before Addison. I did not expect to see them, and when I saw that little baby it literally felt like a sucker punch to the gut. I lost air and backed away saying, "oh no." It was like a really bad B Movie, but it happened in real life and I had no way to stop it. But once I composed myself I ended up asking all sorts of questions about their baby and sleep training and blah blah blah all the shit that I should have been dealing with myself, but since I wasn't, had NO desire to discuss. I feel the pain in your writing and remember too vividly the early days after losing my daughter. I'm so so sorry you had to go through this. I seriously wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
ReplyDeleteYou asked a question on my blog about the age gap between my kids (it was never meant to be 5 years!). I think it will be okay because I don't know any different--not really, at least. Calvin remembers Addison and knows she was a different person than his baby brother Ryder. He is more helpful at age 5 than he would have been at 3 1/2. I am forced to see the bright side. I am glad I waited the 8 months before trying to get pregnant again, to get past the really really raw and oozing emotions, but the pregnancy was still incredibly emotionally difficult. Everyone is different in that regard.
I wish you so much luck and love and that's really all I have to give. I'll be following your blog.
Rebecca