About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I knew you could!

A friend sent me a care package...but inside instead of things for me, there were things for Kai. books, and stickers, crayons, a notebook and then there was a note for me. The note was to let me know that this care package was for me, well, it was to give Kai some things to do to distract him or entertain him so as to give me a little break. How sweet right? The thing is, 2.5 year olds are generally not very good at entertaining themselves. They like to be with you, kind of like a cat while you are reading a book. Anyway, one of the books was "I knew you could"  It was the first book Kai requested I read to him because it had a train on it, and it is kind of like a sequel to "the little engine that could" which he already has. So I open the book and start to read and pretty much cried the whole way through it. I swear that book was more for adults whose baby just died than little kids....well maybe not, but I see my grief in every thing. Following is the book, retyped for you to read.

I knew you could! And you knew it, too- That you'd come out on top after all you've been through. And from here you'll go farther and see brand-new sights. You'll face brand-new hills that rise to new heights

I wish I could show you the stops that you'll visit, but that isn't my choice to make for you, is it?
Instead, I can tell you some lessons and tales that I've learned and relearned in my time on the rails.

First of all, you must find your own track, so you can start right away and not be held back. but which track is yours? well, that all depends on which way it's going and where it might end.

Different tracks wind around, over, under and through, so pick out the one that works best for you. Though the track you start out on will feel like "the one," you might take a few more before you are done. And now, with your eyes on your new destination, start up your wheels and roll out of the station.

On your new trip, you'll make plenty of stops, In deep river valleys and on high mountaintops. Some will surprise you and some will be planned. And you'll roll through each one saying, "I think I can!"

You'll go through tunnels, surrounded by dark, and you'll wish for a light or even a spark. You might get scared or a little bit sad. Wondering if maybe your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice to help ease your doubt: the track you took in must also go out. So steady yourself and just keep on going- before you know it, some light will be showing. An the you'll be out, heading to a new place. You'll be ready for the next tunnel you face.

Sometimes you'll look up and see planes in the sky, and you'll think to yourself, "I wish I could fly." The cars on the roads will seem quick and free- You'll feel stuck on your track and think, "I wish that was me."

But the plane might wish he could get out of the air, saying, "I wish I could travel like that train down there." The cars will watch as you speed right along, and they'll say to each other, "Look how fast and how strong!" Don't worry about not being a car or a plane, just enjoy the trip you'll take as a train.

Don't be afraid to toot your own horn, if you need to be heard or there are people to warn. Or if being yourself just makes you so proud, that you want to share it and sing it out loud.

You'll follow your track through twists and through bends, and stop at new stops and pick up new friends. They'll all come aboard with smiles and greetings. You'll have such great times with the people you're meeting.

On the days when you're sad and feel you can't go, speak up and ask a friend for a tow. That's what friends do, so don't be afraid. You'd do the same if your friend needed aid.

You might stop at some stops that you never have toured. And look for new friends, but they won't come aboard. So you'll have to head out with creak and a groan, setting out once again on your track all alone.

Try to remember that the world is so wide, full of all kinds of people with their own trains to ride. Just stay true to yourself as you travel your track, with no second-guessing and no looking back.

Once you're on the right track, you'll probably say, "This one is mine-I'm here to stay." Try to enjoy the track that you choose-stop now and then to take in the views.

If you rush forward, as a general rule, before you arrive, you could run out of fuel. Don't overwork, but save up some strength. That way, every day, you can travel great lengths.

 You'll nee all that strength on the days when you're stuck, Or tired, or sad, or just out of luck. When your belief in yourself doesn't feel quite so pure, and your "I think I can" doesn't sound quite so sure.

That's when to push and to strive and to strain. To show the world you're not a giving-up train. And you're wise if you know that doing your best means that sometimes you should just slow down and rest.

Speeding through your whole trip will bring only sorrow. So slow down today to be happy tomorrow.

There's more about life that you'll learn as you go, because figuring things out on your own helps you grow. Just trust in yourself and you'll climb every hill. Say, "I think I can!" and you know what? You will!

I could sum up all the things I felt or the metaphors I read into but instead I will let you read it and see how you relate.


  1. Such beautiful words with so much depth... I see what you mean. I cried reading it too. Love to you always xoxo

  2. Love that book! every line seems to speak to us! Hope you are having as good as it can be week! Sending you love!

  3. That book sounds adorable! I'll put it on my gifting list.

  4. It is very true - that our grief manifests itself to us through so many different ways.

    I loved the book - thanks for sharing!

  5. What a beautiful book, I'm going to look it up right now!


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