I start to feel that catch in my throat, the one that hurts when you try and swallow. It spreads to my whole neck and into my face, my head starts to hurt and my chest gets tight... the warning signs of potential downpour of tears. I think to myself "choke it back lady, you're not wearing your sunglasses". I tickle my son and push him higher as he screeches (and I scream inside), "smile, make yourself believe your having as much fun as it looks, talk to your son, distract yourself, STOP LOOKING AT THE FREAK'N BABY~ LOOK AWAY" why do I torture myself? I couldn't make up the next part for even a really bad movie~ There was a group of moms talking about babies dying and dying in general and "JESUS" and "HIS PLAN" UGH...I couldn't hear the whole conversation over my son's joyful outbursts~ Um THANK GOD (snark). Another mom on the swings next to us asks how old my son is and I say 2.5, her son is 2 months older than mine (but mine talks better~ another reason the universe killed my baby...because I think my kid is smarter and more articulate than other children even a year older than he is) She also has a 7 month old son....AWE how nice to have kids close in age, I don't say! Barf...Yep, I was glad my son and daughter would be less than 2.5 years apart. I wanted them to me close in age and I wished for them to be friends and playmates. I thought my family would be so complete with a second child. I was so excited...now I feel so incomplete.
My mother went home this last weekend. She also lost a baby, her 4th and last to renal agenesis. (Another case of no smoking, drinking or any other bad habits just super bad luck) I was 7 years old and we all got to hold him for 4 hours before he died..The odds were bad for her 1/6000 babies, like the 1/160 odds were bad for me. Sometimes I feel like our family is cursed...I mean 2 babies dead? I know they are totally unrelated, and my daughter didn't have anything wrong with her~um she just died!!!
I am kind of convinced that someone has made a voodoo doll of me and has some nasty pins they keep sticking me with, then picking me up and playing "lets talk about dead babies in the park with her bwahaha." The crazy in my head is astounding.
My mother returned home this last weekend.
She wrote me this note:
My Precious Daughter,
This is all a collection of moments in time.
Some joyful, some sad, some interesting and even awe-inspiring.
All are valuable and useful in some way.
Keep seeking, noticing and storing up the good.
I love you so very much.
So I am trying to seek and notice and store up the good because right now everything seems so bad. Like I have said before, I am a chronically happy person who is just
very EXTREMELY sad right now.