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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Park

It is supposed to be a fun place....It used to be a fun place... NOW~ I dread it! Why? Because there are babies there...baby girls dressed in pink things, 6 week olds, 2month olds, ALIVE baby girls. I am cheerily pushing my son on the swing pretending not to notice the mothers nursing their tiny infants. Pretending not to notice them stroking their little limbs and feet. Pretending I don't have a daughter who I am aching for as I cheerily push my beautiful, happy, laughing boy. I am feeling the 20 pounds over weight that I am, wearing my size 8 skirt and trying to pretend I am not uncomfortable in my own skin. I just gave birth 2 months ago and my body looks like it, but no one else can see it. Don't get me wrong, I am trying to be kind to myself about my body. If I had a baby to show for it, I wouldn't care, but I don't. I am 20 pounds overweight with a dead baby and a new habitual routine of daily crying...

I start to feel that catch in my throat, the one that hurts when you try and swallow. It spreads to my whole neck and into my face, my head starts to hurt and my chest gets tight... the warning signs of potential downpour of tears. I think to myself "choke it back lady, you're not wearing your sunglasses". I tickle my son and push him higher as he screeches (and I scream inside), "smile, make yourself believe your having as much fun as it looks, talk to your son, distract yourself, STOP LOOKING AT THE FREAK'N BABY~ LOOK AWAY" why do I torture myself? I couldn't make up the next part for even a really bad movie~ There was a group of moms talking about babies dying and dying in general and "JESUS" and "HIS PLAN" UGH...I couldn't hear the whole conversation over my son's joyful outbursts~ Um THANK GOD (snark). Another mom on the swings next to us asks how old my son is and I say 2.5, her son is 2 months older than mine (but mine talks better~ another reason the universe killed my baby...because I think my kid is smarter and more articulate than other children even a year older than he is) She also has a 7 month old son....AWE how nice to have kids close in age, I don't say! Barf...Yep, I was glad my son and daughter would be less than 2.5 years apart. I wanted them to me close in age and I wished for them to be friends and playmates. I thought my family would be so complete with a second child. I was so excited...now I feel so incomplete.

My mother went home this last weekend. She also lost a baby, her 4th and last to renal agenesis. (Another case of no smoking, drinking or any other bad habits just super bad luck) I was 7 years old and we all got to hold him for 4 hours before he died..The odds were bad for her 1/6000 babies, like the 1/160 odds were bad for me. Sometimes I feel like our family is cursed...I mean 2 babies dead? I know they are totally unrelated, and my daughter didn't have anything wrong with her~um she just died!!!
I am kind of convinced that someone has made a voodoo doll of me and has some nasty pins they keep sticking me with, then picking me up and playing "lets talk about dead babies in the park with her bwahaha." The crazy in my head is astounding.

My mother returned home this last weekend.
She wrote me this note:

               My Precious Daughter,
                  This is all a collection of moments in time. 
                  Some joyful, some sad, some interesting and even awe-inspiring. 
                  All are valuable and useful in some way. 
                  Keep seeking, noticing and storing up the good. 
                  I love you so very much. 

So I am trying to seek and notice and store up the good because right now everything seems so bad. Like I have said before, I am a chronically happy person who is just very EXTREMELY sad right now. 
Stupid Park!


  1. That's the same crazy in my head. Damn it to hell. And I overhear ironically terrible crap about dead babies, too, and have to wonder if it's some sick joke being played on me. Would you have noticed or paid attention to that stupid conversation if Camille were alive, unlikely. It's a lovely gift we're given to be acutely aware of all things sensitive to us.

    Also, I remember the same body-image speech early on. It's a brutal reminder. And how about the milk that came in? Fun, huh? Body changes and no baby to show for it. :(

  2. I'm sorry the park wasn't a great experience. I commend you for getting out of the house with your son and trying to do something "normal." It's just hard because I feel like people don't understand all of the effort it took for you to get up and going to the park and then their stupid conversations can ruin everything.

    I just have to tell myself that people don't get it and won't get it until it happens to them... and until then, I just have to put up with stupid comments and stupid conversations I overhear. Somedays I feel like it's my new "job" to educate people and to make them feel bad for talking about babies dying and asking stupid questions like "do you have any kids?" Even though it makes me feel terrible at times, I still love talking about Drew... and sometimes I feel like by sharing Drew and his story, I'm helping people to understand that they need to be more thoughtful before they speak, because you never know who is listening--and what struggles they're facing.

    Don't give up on the park. Just take it in little steps and one day, in the future, you will make it through an entire visit without feeling terrible :)

  3. I've posted about my hatred of the park before. I feel your pain.

  4. Ugh. I feel ya on the voodoo doll thing and have had the exact same thoughts about being cursed, etc. Just horrible. If it's crazy, well, then we're all crazy!

  5. I can completely relate. I have done the fast walk/sprint/fake chirpiness off the playground several times.

    What a sweet note from your mother :) I hate though that you're going through this.

    Sending love.

  6. What a beautiful note from your Mum Renel, such nice words.
    I could paraphrase every sentence, they are all so salient. I just get it all. But, especially that haunting dead baby stare at live babies. I tell myself the same thing 'look away, don't make it any harder than it is' but it seems impossible to do so.
    I think you've done very well to be back at the park with your son at 9 weeks. I only got back there with the boys a couple of weeks ago, nearly 9 months later.
    And, we're going through very similar stuff with Xavier and anxiety from all of this. A battle leaving him at every kinder session, and picking at his arms till they bleed (self soothing technique I'm told). It makes it all the harder when we're worried so for the ones that are here. x


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