My friend's son turned 3. I went to her house early this morning and helped get everything ready for the party. Transported everything to the park and set up. Some moms I have never met were there. The "do you JUST have one child?" question came up. Yes, just the one. "Oh because I thought you had two?" really lady can you JUST drop it because I don't have just the one, I have two, but I don't know you, and I don't feel like crying at 10am in the morning right before about 40 people show up to this fantastic shit parade that I am trying to be joyous about participating in. Did I happen to mention that I really don't cuss very often in real life, but in blog land, well, it is just how I feel. A bunch of moms club moms and kids show up and I get some people who will talk with me. It is so hard to interact, I feel really distracted, edgy, skittish. Other women avoid me, I'm the lady whose baby died you know, it might be catching. Others just don't know~the new moms that have joined since Camille died. I also feel shitty because I haven't written thank you cards for any food or monetary support we got. I feel guilty about that....Because I am GOOD AT GUILT.
One of the moms had her baby last weekend, she, who was the last of our little pregnancy group to give birth, shows up with her new daughter. Yay for alive babies~right? NOPE. I gave her a hug and asked how she was feeling and said how her daughter looked like her husband. I'll give you one WILD guess if she asked about me. I didn't talk to her the rest of the morning. I was exhausted after the party. Kai said he had a great time...Sometimes I want to look at him and say "you know I'm taking one for the team little" but I don't, I just say "I'm so glad you had a good day buddy"
It doesn't help that I am super hormonal and grief stricken simultaneously...Does midol make a pill for that: bloating, headache, heartache, cramps, general malaise, dead baby, fixer upper pill? I had my first period on the 9th of this month. I bought OPK sticks, but I don't really need them because I can feel when I am ovulating. I had sex, I was hopeful. That was 9 days ago, today I started bleeding. I didn't think you could get your period 9 days after you ovulated. So I am cranky, sad, tired, pissed off. I started crying tonight, openly in front of my husband and he says "sometimes it seems like you want people to say something and then you don't want them to either" So WHAT if I am crazy, SOMETIMES I just need him to say "yeah, fuck all those alive babies" and "All those ladies are bitches" but he won't, that's not him. But I don't feel supported. I told him I need him to get angry with me or sad and he said being angry is a waste of energy and he won't do it. FINE but let me be angry, don't judge me for being PISSED that my DAUGHTER DIED! It's bad enough that I feel alone in this without feeling even more alone because the one person (husband who also has a dead daughter) doesn't seem to get it either. Even if it isn't logical...my feelings are VALID.
A friend of mine had her son at 26 weeks pregnant. He just came off the ventilator in the NICU. I sure do hope that he keeps being alive for her, because even though he has a long struggle ahead of him, he is alive. Something I never got to see in my daughter. It baffles me that my daughter could randomly die at full term and a baby can be alive at 26 weeks. This world puzzles me.