The Meltdown

I had a meltdown at work the otherday. It was unexpected and was a spiral downwards which was not pretty.

The morning was going well. I was treating one of my favorite patients when duna-duna (shark sound) a girl walked in from this last summer who was due two weeks before Camille. She says to the entire clinic: "do I look different, not huge and pregnant?" then proceeds to gush about her baby girl. She is so proud, her daughter so perfect, she produces photos...fortunately for me, I am at the other side of the clinic with my back turned to her. I had worked on this woman, us both hugely pregnant, now I couldn't even look at her! I didn't mean to lose my shit, I excused myself from working on my patient, went into my office and started balling. The front desk girl (my friend) and another aide came to my office to ask what was wrong, I told them between sobs and hyperventilating that "it should be me... I can't handle this". They are rubbing my back and trying to get me to calm down, my anxiety in full swing. Then they start making jokes about how her baby is probably totally ugly and will turn out to be a total crack head...I started laughing and snorting snot and sobbing and calmed down...wiped my eyes and went back to my patient who had no clue that I just FREAKED the "F" out.

BUT then since I was already maxed out with emotion, later that day, I had a really young patient who had a sacroiliac joint misalignment come in. The other days I was able to put it back in, but today I couldn't. 8 year olds are not good at relaxing, telling them to relax does not work, so I tried to distract her...Still I couldn't do it. So I asked my fellow PT and clinic owner to do it. It took him like 6 tries but he got it. Great right...we always work like this, sharing patients doing whatever it is that will get them better, no ego involved. He came by my office later...I don't even know why, THAT was a BAD idea. He had NO idea what was coming his way. I told him how embarrassed I was that I couldn't get this girl's SI joint in and I felt like such a failure and how inept I am and frustrated I am. He of course being fabulous tells me how blessed his is to have me in his practice and how many people I help all the time. (I love Mormons :)
He joked that if I was LDS that I would understand how he felt about certain things and I joked that I may convert but only in the work place. I am the token liberal and non religious physical therapist in the practice, since my other friend and PT there is a Mormon bishop. haha Anyway...I should have just TOLD him about the patient who had come in earlier, that I was spiraling and that my anxiety was spilling over into everything around me, but I didn't and I cried and I was a disaster.

I cried all the way home, Kai saw me and asked about my tears and I told him I had just been a little sad. My husband was LAME and never asked about my day at all, I think he wanted to avoid whatever was going on. That really pissed me off. I told him I was hurt that he never asked about my day, that it had been one of the worst days in a long time and all he said was "sorry"...UGH! He came home with a new pair of pajamas for me the next evening...I needed those "thank you very much" but you still didn't ask me about my feelings...boys...I tell ya!

Then the next work day I am finishing my documentation for the day and one of the aides  (also a Mormon :) comes up and says "I know it might not be my business but I just have noticed that you don't look like yourself." I was really honest with him, I said, "all my patients are gone, I don't have to be "on" anymore. I am not being fake but the truth is I am always this close to tears....Yep I started crying AGAIN! then HE STARTS CRYING...Fucking hell...I am telling this 25 year old about the pain of loosing a child. He is sweet and says, "I don't see you as being "poor Renel" I really admire your strength, because I don't think I would be able to come to work and function like you do." Eyeieie....I guess it was just one of those weeks...but I still wish my husband could ask how I was doing, instead of the 25 year old aide haha.

I'm hoping for a better week