The rain is here....finally.
It has been too warm for winter, it makes me scared for the summer. How hot will it be with so little rain.
The forecast promised rain that never came all week, until this evening. It makes me feel better. The sky trying to wipe away all the grime and heaviness of life. Trying to grow our garden and flowers, make our grass green. BUT mostly I am glad for the rain because is soothes my soul. I feel calmer, like I can breathe.
Out of nowhere the other day Kai said "Papa says that sometimes I make bad decisions and sometimes mama makes bad decisions and sometimes papa makes bad decisions but he still loves me and he is still happy." I swoop him up and give him a giant hug and tell him he is right. He proceeds to tell me we also all make good decisions too. Then he says "See I remember everything" I know he listens to what we say, I know he is incredibly intelligent and emotionally in tune. This also makes me feel especially bad because I am not always the most patient. Parenting is difficult while grieving. I hope he can remember how much I tell him I love him.
Kai and I sat in the meditation room today and talked about what we are grateful for. I am so glad there is so much. I talk about our sadness, madness and badness being breathed out and turning into bright white sparkling light which leaves room inside us to be filled with love. My son takes the crystal and puts in on his forehead and says "good loving thoughts", then to his throat "good loving words", to chest "good loving feelings" I believe it in the moment. I feel good, filled with love and amazed at how beautiful and wonderful this little person in front of me is. But my feelings are fleeting. They escape as if there is a hole...somehow all that madness, badness and sadness seems to come back to me. It is a battle to keep all that negativity at bay.
I am short on patience and quick to temper.
I am sometimes bitter, hateful and angry
I am also happy and full of love
I am joyful and find moments of peace
When I look at that list, I know this is usual and normal for all people, but for me it feels manic. I am emotionally volatile in love and hate and I vacillate quickly and easily without a lot of control. I cry easily and sometimes laugh while desperately sad. I think this is all part of grief, I know I am not unusual in this state.
I am trying to be true to myself, my family and Camille.
So tonight with the rain soothing my soul, I am grateful for the moments of peace and the calm that hugs onto either side of the angry and bitter and hateful.
I am grateful for this rain.