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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Rain

The rain is here....finally.

It has been too warm for winter, it makes me scared for the summer. How hot will it be with so little rain.

The forecast promised rain that never came all week, until this evening. It makes me feel better. The sky trying to wipe away all the grime and heaviness of life. Trying to grow our garden and flowers, make our grass green. BUT mostly I am glad for the rain because is soothes my soul. I feel calmer, like I can breathe.

Out of nowhere the other day Kai said "Papa says that sometimes I make bad decisions and sometimes mama makes bad decisions and sometimes papa makes bad decisions but he still loves me and he is still happy." I swoop him up and give him a giant hug and tell him he is right. He proceeds to tell me we also all make good decisions too. Then he says "See I remember everything" I know he listens to what we say, I know he is incredibly intelligent and emotionally in tune. This also makes me feel especially bad because I am not always the most patient. Parenting is difficult while grieving. I hope he can remember how much I tell him I love him.

Kai and I sat in the meditation room today and talked about what we are grateful for. I am so glad there is so much. I talk about our sadness, madness and badness being breathed out and turning into bright white sparkling light which leaves room inside us to be filled with love. My son takes the crystal and puts in on his forehead and says "good loving thoughts", then to his throat "good loving words", to chest "good loving feelings" I believe it in the moment. I feel good, filled with love and amazed at how beautiful and wonderful this little person in front of me is. But my feelings are fleeting. They escape as if there is a hole...somehow all that madness, badness and sadness seems to come back to me. It is a battle to keep all that negativity at bay.

I am short on patience and quick to temper.
I am sometimes bitter, hateful and angry
I am also happy and full of love
I am joyful and find moments of peace

When I look at that list, I know this is usual and normal for all people, but for me it feels manic. I am emotionally volatile in love and hate and I vacillate quickly and easily without a lot of control. I cry easily and sometimes laugh while desperately sad. I think this is all part of grief, I know I am not unusual in this state.

I am trying to be true to myself, my family and Camille.
So tonight with the rain soothing my soul, I am grateful for the moments of peace and the calm that hugs onto either side of the angry and bitter and hateful.
I am grateful for this rain.


  1. Renel, the manic is definitely something of grief I have experienced. Not knowing how you'll feel from one moment to the next. I used to fight it, thinking I should try and be more steady or calm. Now I just let it flow and to hell with what people think. Love to you, mama.

  2. Such a beautiful post... know how you feel. Parenting is difficult while grieving... so true. I love how you sit with Kai in your meditation room... a lovely idea and part of being the wonderful mother you are.. to him and Camille. Love to you all xoxo

  3. Ah patience... It is a virtue I lack, especially while raising a three-year-old. I wish I could be more patient, like one of those ppl who is patient all of the time. But she knows how much I love her--I never go more than 10 minutes without telling her, I don't think. :)

  4. It is so obvious in every story about Kai that he knows how much you love him. And how much you love Camille. He knows. He can feel it. And he remembers.

  5. It is such a rollercoaster ride with our feelings. I am glad the rain has offered you some comfort.xo

  6. Patience for me is something I drastically try to improve on, but fail on a weekly basis. I also still deal with up and down emotions...i have never been this way,so i definitely believe it is part of grieving.
    It sounds like your little boy is very much in tune with what is going on and that is wonderful. I think my boys sometimes don't understand and that breaks my heart more than anything. You are doing an amazing job!!!

  7. My list is very similar. Probably identical. I too like the rain and the calming effect it has on me. I wish you lots of rainy days. . .but mostly just lots of peace.

  8. The mixed-up back and forth emotions are so familiar, making constant readjustments back toward where I want to be headed.

    We have the rain right now, too :)

  9. Your Kai sounds like a lovely little boy.

    I experience that duality of emotions, too. Lately, I've been feeling more on the bitter and angry side. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like biting everyone, but instead, I implode and the ugliness chews on my insides. I'm trying to combat it. It's hard.

  10. Parenting is so hard with grief in the mix. You are doing a wonderful job.

  11. I want to add this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
    for and article on raising children. This is written from the perspective of someone who HASN'T lost a child. We all know (those of us parenting children here, and not here) how difficult it is to keep the zen mother hat on.
    YOU are doing an amazing job of it Renel. What you are teaching your sweet boy (how smart he is!) and what he knows. He will also know empathy and compassion because of the loss of your sweet Camille.
    I totally get being emotionally volotile between love and hate. I can spin between the two on a dime, in a second. It is manic indeed.
    I am grateful for you and your salient expression here. I'm so glad the rains have come and your soul is being soothed a little. I'll think of you whenever it rains now. xxx

  12. Renel this is beautiful. I'm so happy that you and Kai have these moments of peace together. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to parent one child while you grieve for another.. you are doing an amazing job my friend.

    Wishing you more peace during this rainy season.

    Sending love, xx

  13. Oh those moments of peace are so precious now aren't they? I never knew how easy my life was, until all of a sudden, it wasn't. So now those moments, be it the rain, or something else (the other morning, I just stood in the shower for an extra couple of minutes feeling the warm water on my skin and it just felt relaxing and comforting) are just so lovely when they do happen.


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