It's Time

I'm here in the hospital. It isn't what I thought I was going to be doing today. I went to the perinatologist this morning and my fluid level is very low. My peri who I really love and trust told me that I should have the baby this by the Monday. Although my fluid levels have been low normal for a couple months, they dropped to a 4 and below 5 is not good. The peri and my OB spoke and my OB said to come in today... They aren't messing around. So I scrambled around as if I was in labor trying to pack stuff up in order to come in. They are putting me on cervadil because my body isn't one for preterm labor so they have to soften my cervix before they induce me. I've repeated positive thoughts and breathing all day, trying to keep the worry and anxiety at bay. Please keep my baby girl and I in your thoughts today, this evening and tomorrow. I can use all the positive vibes I can get.

I Would Post More....But

I am absolutely freaking the fuck out!

I was at labor and delivery at 5am yesterday morning, sobbing because I wasn't having movement after two large glasses of water and some yogurt. While registering the fire alarms were going off in the hospital. I was wondering if this was a very bad sign. That I was there at the same time in the morning as I was when I found out Camille had died. It wasn't about calming down or breathing in and out. When I woke up at 3:45 in the morning I wanted to feel movement. I know babies sleep but damn it, the baby needs to wake up when I am freaking out. Of course Daryl was going to be going to the gym so I told him I had to go to the hospital. Kai woke up because well of course he would.

Once I was FINALLY hooked up to the monitors the found the baby's heart beat right away and she passed her NST in 20 min and started kicking around. I cried the whole time. SERIOUSLY...how am I supposed to get through the next couple weeks. I am so maxed out on stress. I am not always freaking out. I have moments of hope and I am doing so many homework assignments, like buying some baby clothes. Well I haven't taken the tags off of them and washed them but I browsed and purchased girl clothes:  BIG STEP.
I have finished the quilt side of the baby blanket as of this afternoon. I go to therapy. I do kick counts 3 times per day.

Some days I feel like a prisoner of war who is making tally marks on the wall, counting down the days to freedom. The day Camille died was the worst day of my life. The first several months of grieving were excruciating...THIS PREGNANCY with all its anxiety and stress is so hard. To be at this heightened sense of arousal all the time is so challenging.

I keep thinking of trying to put a post together of the happy and the joy to try and also focus on the positive, because it is there, present, in the midst of the crazy. I love this little girl so much. I am looking forward to meeting her soon. I try and imagine meeting her and having a successful beautiful experience. I just have to get there.

ETA approximately 3 weeks

See that is why I haven't been around. I am so close...3 weeks until I am supposed to be induced and the crazy around here both internally and externally have hit a fever pitch.

News: trying not to frame it as good or bad...just is...

My fluid levels have been low normal, but still normal..8.5, 9.
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was just prescribed night time insulin because although I am controlling my diabetes with diet during the day, my night time levels are borderline. They say I could go another week and see, they were kind of on the fence. I haven't gotten the prescription yet. It was just called in yesterday. The morning blood sugar levels have been between 88 and 95 and it averages around 91, they would like it below 90...that is why they weren't sure if I should go on the night time insulin. These numbers are due to hormone levels not what I am eating.

This baby girl is doing well, last week she measured in at 4.5 lbs and was 4 days behind her due date but she seems to be growing well.

The non stress tests are out of control stressful! The nurses are really nice but I have already had my first trip to labor and delivery COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT! Wednesday of last week I woke up and had right sided abdominal pain that would not go away. I don't have my appendix so it wasn't that :) I didn't think it was ligamentous because that usually is sharp and then subsides...so of course I thought I may be having a placental abruption because well...I'M FREAKING OUT. I was in tears sobbing in the house because there was no coming down off the crazy tail spin of panic I had worked myself into. Kai kept telling me he loved me and that I just needed to OM and say "I love my home, I love my Kai and Papa" I felt bad because I couldn't keep it together so I called my OB and they said to go to the hospital and so I dropped Kai off at the neighbors house and went to the hospital. Daryl who had been working a whopping 3 days at his new job came and met me...

Then my NST on Tuesday was so BAD. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heart beat for like 5 minutes. I was sweating and crying....than finally there it was. It didn't matter that I had felt her move on the WAY to the hospital, when they strap that DAMNED monitor on my belly it is absolutely terrifying.
The perinatologists always calm me when I see them, but I don't see them for the NSTs.

Also as I mentioned, Daryl started back to school as an elementary VP so he has been really stressed out. He used to say "Just be positive".... he doesn't say that anymore. I think he is also worried because we are so close.

Today was my last day of work. It kind of freaked me out because last maternity leave I was scheduled to work on Thursday but they forgot and moved all of my patients so I didn't have to work that day after all, Camille died that morning. Today I was scheduled to work, it is Thursday and once again they moved all my patients and it freaked me out. I went to work anyway and finished up a bunch of paperwork. I know this is NOT last time but I don't like that kind of stuff.

The baby has been moving a lot the last couple days. She is still head down but she moved her body so that her hands and feet are both on my lefts side. I can feel and see the movement so much more now which is very reassuring.

Another hard thing I did last week, We went and took family photos. We didn't do this when I was pregnant with Camille and so it was difficult for me to set the whole thing up...but I did it because I needed to make sure to DO IT. CHALLENGE! The first time we had it scheduled the photographer had made a mistake and didn't show up. It was like 100 degrees and we were sitting around waiting on the same day that I had been in the hospital because I was worried about the baby. It was a bad day and I ended up bawling on the phone to the photographer about my dead baby and gestational diabetes and how pregnant and hot it was and how stressed out I was....I just couldn't help it. She rescheduled us and was apologetic but you know I am completely topped out right now. The bonus: I think she is going to comp us a bunch of pictures...

We finally got our bedroom furniture delivered but of course we need some replacement pieces...um we ordered this stuff in MAY and we paid a BUTT LOAD for it so it better be perfect.

We have taken apart the office portion of our library and are turning it into a playroom area, so our house is in slight disarray, I guess it is our way of nesting.

I have cut out all the squares for the baby's quilt and arranged it how it will be sewn. Now that I am off work I think I will be able to work on it more next week.

I received a gift from a patient last week for the baby. I was wondering how it would make me feel because I am not having a shower. She didn't know about Camille until that day. I took the gift home and opened it, a small pink elephant rattle and some receiving blankets. You know what ...it felt good, I was happy that I was happy about it. This little girl deserves to be celebrated, I know this. I am looking forward to having a shower of some sort after she is born. BUT it was a good step for me to be accepting of things for THIS little girl.

About my grief....of course you see the grief is tied up in my worry and concern, my panic and my anxiety...because I want this little girl so much to come home with us, because I love her so much. But with me being SO close to giving birth, my grief has been pushed away, my focus is so much on THIS one. I only have so much room in my life for things and so my focus unintentionally has shifted. I am okay with this. I know it does not decrease my love for Camille or Kai, but I am really perseverating on this little girl so that I can try and ensure her safe arrival.

We picked out a name. No we aren't telling what it is. We didn't tell with Kai either. Maybe just to have something for Daryl and I between us for the next couple weeks. I am happy we decided, we hadn't decided on Camille's name and it feels good to kind of know and be able to call this little girl by her name.

I will post about some of the really positive experiences of this summer that have helped bring joy between the freak out sessions. Boy is this HARD.
Thank you for all the lovely thoughts and good vibes sent out to me. I need them more than I ever thought I would.