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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I Would Post More....But

I am absolutely freaking the fuck out!

I was at labor and delivery at 5am yesterday morning, sobbing because I wasn't having movement after two large glasses of water and some yogurt. While registering the fire alarms were going off in the hospital. I was wondering if this was a very bad sign. That I was there at the same time in the morning as I was when I found out Camille had died. It wasn't about calming down or breathing in and out. When I woke up at 3:45 in the morning I wanted to feel movement. I know babies sleep but damn it, the baby needs to wake up when I am freaking out. Of course Daryl was going to be going to the gym so I told him I had to go to the hospital. Kai woke up because well of course he would.

Once I was FINALLY hooked up to the monitors the found the baby's heart beat right away and she passed her NST in 20 min and started kicking around. I cried the whole time. SERIOUSLY...how am I supposed to get through the next couple weeks. I am so maxed out on stress. I am not always freaking out. I have moments of hope and I am doing so many homework assignments, like buying some baby clothes. Well I haven't taken the tags off of them and washed them but I browsed and purchased girl clothes:  BIG STEP.
I have finished the quilt side of the baby blanket as of this afternoon. I go to therapy. I do kick counts 3 times per day.

Some days I feel like a prisoner of war who is making tally marks on the wall, counting down the days to freedom. The day Camille died was the worst day of my life. The first several months of grieving were excruciating...THIS PREGNANCY with all its anxiety and stress is so hard. To be at this heightened sense of arousal all the time is so challenging.

I keep thinking of trying to put a post together of the happy and the joy to try and also focus on the positive, because it is there, present, in the midst of the crazy. I love this little girl so much. I am looking forward to meeting her soon. I try and imagine meeting her and having a successful beautiful experience. I just have to get there.

26 comments:

  1. Sending light and love, today and every day.

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  2. No obligation to post about happy positive things here -vent all you like. You are doing everything you can. And who would expect you to be anything but hyper-vigilant towards the end of this pregnancy. Keep going in - every single time you need reassurance, just pack up and go in to hospital. I was lucky to be admitted for the final week of my pregnancy. Knowing I was a button press away from help if I needed it was such a support. Would you be able to do something similar? It is so so so hard towards the end. I was exhausted before the baby was even born. This will be over soon. And I am hoping that it ends with a beautiful healthy baby girl snuggled in your arms.

    Much, much love xx

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    1. They won't just admit me cuz I'm crazy. Plus we have Kai. I can't just go to the hospital although I wish I could.

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  3. You are getting there! Amidst the crazy, day by day, week by week, you are getting there. Lots of love!!

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  4. Don't worry about posts, and blogging it all. You're getting by - day by day - and you're doing so well.
    I'm with Aoife, keep going in... Get her checked out every time you need to.
    You'll make it. As much as it might feel like it, time won't stand still.
    Sending love

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  5. Gosh girl, I KNOW those feelings all too well... Bringing back some tough memories! It is SO hard. Hoping the next couple of weeks go easier on you. You will be in my thoughts!!! Sending lots of love!!!

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  6. My doctor has said if the anxiety ever got too much that there were meds he could give me that were totally safe for the baby. I never needed them but always appreciates knowing that.

    It is so hard and you're right that having a heightened sense of arousal all the time is just exhausting!

    Best of luck to you these next couple days and weeks. Are your bags packed? Maybe something to do to pass the time and be a positive thing.

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    1. On my list ... Pack bags. I feel like I have so much to do but am completely paralyzed sometimes. Yesterday was a really good day. Today has been hard. I wish I knew what to do to make it all blissful and peaceful. Ugh

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  7. Yeah, man, those last few weeks are fucking BRUTAL. We were like the walking dead, our eyes could only see the potential for life and it affected all of our conversations with people and with Stella and just about everything else in our life. The only thing that settled us in the slightest was seeing the Doc three times a week for NST's.

    I wish you an inkling of peace for the days ahead. Following closely!

    J

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    1. I think I'm going to ask for a third NST during the week. I am at my wits end. And as far as being a parent holy schnikies it's hard to play pirates when you're trying not to freak out about the baby.

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  8. Oh My Gosh...totally holding my breath as I am reading the beginning of this b/c I could totally imagine how you feel.
    I am praying with all my heart for you - not only for a screaming baby ;-) but peace of mind in this last stretch. I just know that one of these upcoming posts will be your happy birth story!

    Easier said than done, but hang in there!

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  9. I know just how terrible this pregnancy is for you and I want things to be so swift and soooooon! I was just thinking about you last night and how you were feeling.

    Time is an enemy right now, I know. Hoping and wishing that baby moves nonstop until delivery day.

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  10. Renel, I so understand how you are feeling. THose last weeks feel like months and even years. Once she is in your arms you will finally be able to breathe, and I hope maybe she will surprise you and show up early on her own...how nice would that be ?!?!

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  11. I completely understand as I am deep in the perils of paranioa, I am up half the night thinking of everything bad that could happen. I am thinking of you xoxox

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  12. I can't even bring myself to write a blog post, I am freaking the fuck at too! Keep breathing, or keep holding your breath, but I just am hoping hoping hoping for you!

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  13. It's good that there is joy and happiness amidst the freak out, but you are so not alone in the freak out! I'm not even expecting but I am holding my breath along with you, hoping for a safe arrival for you and so many of the other mamas around here. xoxo

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  14. the last few weeks are so stressful. You're doing a great job even if it feels like you're freaking out . Can't wait until the day you get to meet her!

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  15. You are doing an amazing job. I mean that 100%. Amazing. Hang on there <3. Time will pass and you don't need to try to enjoy this part. Just get through it and go to L&D whoever you need to.

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  16. I just want you to know that I completely understand how stressful it is.. and I am so sorry sweet mamma. I am thinking of you every day and sending so much love your way. I know it's hard.. you are so close.... xo

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  17. one moment at a time your lil one is coming.

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  18. Just wanted to say that I am still thinking about you and how close you are to meeting Kai and Camille's little sister. I hope the weekend has been okay.

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  19. Sweet jeebus you're so close. Nothing any of us can say to reassure you that she will be here safely in a couple weeks. Don't judge yourself. Hand the reins over to the crazy - whatever you have to do to survive each day until your daughter's birthday.

    Sending you love.

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  20. Oh this last bit is all kinds of awful. And I'm sure it was easier for me as another extremely premature birth was my main worry. So got a lot of my freaking out done around the end of the second trimester.

    I'm with SG - you've just got to get through this final stretch. You are totally entitled to freak outs and craziness.

    Crossing my fingers and wishing and hoping, hoping, hoping with you and for you and for your second little girl.

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