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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

ETA approximately 3 weeks

See that is why I haven't been around. I am so close...3 weeks until I am supposed to be induced and the crazy around here both internally and externally have hit a fever pitch.

News: trying not to frame it as good or bad...just is...

My fluid levels have been low normal, but still normal..8.5, 9.
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was just prescribed night time insulin because although I am controlling my diabetes with diet during the day, my night time levels are borderline. They say I could go another week and see, they were kind of on the fence. I haven't gotten the prescription yet. It was just called in yesterday. The morning blood sugar levels have been between 88 and 95 and it averages around 91, they would like it below 90...that is why they weren't sure if I should go on the night time insulin. These numbers are due to hormone levels not what I am eating.

This baby girl is doing well, last week she measured in at 4.5 lbs and was 4 days behind her due date but she seems to be growing well.

The non stress tests are out of control stressful! The nurses are really nice but I have already had my first trip to labor and delivery COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT! Wednesday of last week I woke up and had right sided abdominal pain that would not go away. I don't have my appendix so it wasn't that :) I didn't think it was ligamentous because that usually is sharp and then subsides...so of course I thought I may be having a placental abruption because well...I'M FREAKING OUT. I was in tears sobbing in the house because there was no coming down off the crazy tail spin of panic I had worked myself into. Kai kept telling me he loved me and that I just needed to OM and say "I love my home, I love my Kai and Papa" I felt bad because I couldn't keep it together so I called my OB and they said to go to the hospital and so I dropped Kai off at the neighbors house and went to the hospital. Daryl who had been working a whopping 3 days at his new job came and met me...

Then my NST on Tuesday was so BAD. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heart beat for like 5 minutes. I was sweating and crying....than finally there it was. It didn't matter that I had felt her move on the WAY to the hospital, when they strap that DAMNED monitor on my belly it is absolutely terrifying.
The perinatologists always calm me when I see them, but I don't see them for the NSTs.

Also as I mentioned, Daryl started back to school as an elementary VP so he has been really stressed out. He used to say "Just be positive".... he doesn't say that anymore. I think he is also worried because we are so close.

Today was my last day of work. It kind of freaked me out because last maternity leave I was scheduled to work on Thursday but they forgot and moved all of my patients so I didn't have to work that day after all, Camille died that morning. Today I was scheduled to work, it is Thursday and once again they moved all my patients and it freaked me out. I went to work anyway and finished up a bunch of paperwork. I know this is NOT last time but I don't like that kind of stuff.

The baby has been moving a lot the last couple days. She is still head down but she moved her body so that her hands and feet are both on my lefts side. I can feel and see the movement so much more now which is very reassuring.

Another hard thing I did last week, We went and took family photos. We didn't do this when I was pregnant with Camille and so it was difficult for me to set the whole thing up...but I did it because I needed to make sure to DO IT. CHALLENGE! The first time we had it scheduled the photographer had made a mistake and didn't show up. It was like 100 degrees and we were sitting around waiting on the same day that I had been in the hospital because I was worried about the baby. It was a bad day and I ended up bawling on the phone to the photographer about my dead baby and gestational diabetes and how pregnant and hot it was and how stressed out I was....I just couldn't help it. She rescheduled us and was apologetic but you know I am completely topped out right now. The bonus: I think she is going to comp us a bunch of pictures...

We finally got our bedroom furniture delivered but of course we need some replacement pieces...um we ordered this stuff in MAY and we paid a BUTT LOAD for it so it better be perfect.

We have taken apart the office portion of our library and are turning it into a playroom area, so our house is in slight disarray, I guess it is our way of nesting.

I have cut out all the squares for the baby's quilt and arranged it how it will be sewn. Now that I am off work I think I will be able to work on it more next week.

I received a gift from a patient last week for the baby. I was wondering how it would make me feel because I am not having a shower. She didn't know about Camille until that day. I took the gift home and opened it, a small pink elephant rattle and some receiving blankets. You know what ...it felt good, I was happy that I was happy about it. This little girl deserves to be celebrated, I know this. I am looking forward to having a shower of some sort after she is born. BUT it was a good step for me to be accepting of things for THIS little girl.

About my grief....of course you see the grief is tied up in my worry and concern, my panic and my anxiety...because I want this little girl so much to come home with us, because I love her so much. But with me being SO close to giving birth, my grief has been pushed away, my focus is so much on THIS one. I only have so much room in my life for things and so my focus unintentionally has shifted. I am okay with this. I know it does not decrease my love for Camille or Kai, but I am really perseverating on this little girl so that I can try and ensure her safe arrival.

We picked out a name. No we aren't telling what it is. We didn't tell with Kai either. Maybe just to have something for Daryl and I between us for the next couple weeks. I am happy we decided, we hadn't decided on Camille's name and it feels good to kind of know and be able to call this little girl by her name.

I will post about some of the really positive experiences of this summer that have helped bring joy between the freak out sessions. Boy is this HARD.
Thank you for all the lovely thoughts and good vibes sent out to me. I need them more than I ever thought I would.


  1. This is so hard. Never had I felt more stress or pressure. Counting down with you. Wanting these weeks to be kind to you, fly by, and baby girl in your arms.

  2. You are sooooo close!! Yay!! I know the next few weeks will be tough... I was actually a little glad to Be hospitalized my last two wks bc I knew I'd be a mess! You ca do this!!! Hang in there! Can't wait to see her pic and hear her name!!

  3. Sending so much light and love your way.

  4. Oh Renel. You have been on my mind. I'm sorry, this last stretch is so very difficult. I just felt that I could find no ease or peace until he had been born. I'm glad that receiving the present made you feel happy.

    I also had the strange distancing thing towards the end of my pregnancy with R. Perhaps we just have to focus everything we have on the baby who is about to arrive? I don't know. It was very unsettling and I had lots of nightmares about fighting with J!

    And, may I just say, your Kai is an absolute treasure. I could almost hear his little voice speaking to you, what a very special little boy x

  5. I too have been thinking of you (and not just when I'm playing a word against you!!)
    This post reminds me of where I was 12 months ago when heavily pregnant with Juliet. It is just so bloody hard and I wish I could just get you to the end in the blink of an eye.
    Sending love and belly rubs for your second daughter. I can't wait to hear her name, I know it will be beautiful.

  6. You are getting so close!!! i know how stressful it can be and I can't wait to see her beautiful face. I am thinking constantly about you and hoping these next few weeks fly by.

  7. I'm so happy to hear from you. I, TOO, have been thinking about you. I think D picked up on my vibes, because in the car the other day he said, "How is Renel doing?" I just burst into full out ramble! "I don't know! I think she's fine, she has to be fine! She has a lot on her plate. She's a champ. Like, I don't know how she's doing it. She's had the fluids, and GD, and Kai, and work, and she's doing so well so far. I'm gonna email, and check her blog [again] and see... "
    I think he wanted me to bottom line it. So I said, "she's close. And she's making it"
    I would love to see the family photo's you had taken. That's an idea I had with Alexander... but never did it. I'm glad you had some done (And might get a deal!)
    You are in my thoughts lady, and I send you good vibes daily.

    I cant imagine your anxiety levels, but I still think you're doing great.

    Sending love

    1. Veronica you crack me up. The lady who did our photography posted 5 pics on FB if you look me up. The family ones aren't my favorite but the others are okay. We will see when we actually get the photos. I appreciate all the love and hood vibes. :)

  8. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

  9. Lots of love to you during this hard times. May you find little pockets of peace and happiness each day. We are all so eager to welcome Baby #3 with you.

  10. I SO get this post... There is no easy way to do this. It's excruciatingly difficult. All I can say is you have 21 days out of 280 left. That is SO far through. You have done amazingly well.

    And for this last little bit, when your heart pounds, and your palms prick with sweat and you find yourself pleading for the safe arrival of this precious little girl, picture us all here, rooting for you, crossing our fingers, hoping, wishing, praying, thinking.

    Good luck Renel -you are very much in my thoughts. xx

  11. I should also post an update in the next few days it has been awhile. I know the waiting when you get to the home stretch can be so frustrating. I am guessing- 3 weeks between the 9th and 15th of Sept for you ? I dont think I am to far behind 2 to 3 weeks maybe as it will be between Sept 27 and Oct 1 for me. I think of you all the time.xoxoxoox

  12. I'm several weeks behind you, but wow do I get this. My coping skills are maxed out. I'm thinking of you and know you can get through these last few weeks! Sending lots of love.

  13. Sending much love and light your way. That anxiety is all too familiar. 3 weeks and counting. xoxo

  14. Also want to send my love to you -- you are so close. Just have to get through a few more weeks. Thinking of you and of course Camille and can't wait to hear what you name the new babe. xoxo

  15. This is hard....Hang in there!!! I can't wait to see your baby girl snuggled up in your arms, she should be celebrated, but i agree having a shower after she is here just seems that much more fun with ease and relaxing while staring into her eyes, toes, lips, hands.... I can't wait to know her name! You can do this!

    1. Molly I think of you all the tune and an hoping things are going well for you. How are you holding up?

  16. Thank you all for your Love and support. It means Sooooo much!

  17. Hey Renel, I'm thinking about you every day. I hope that you have at least one moment, every day, when your body completely relaxes into the present moment, and that you can breathe deeply into the love that you have for Kai, for Camille, and for this new little one. This new precious treasure.

    Sending love and peace and healing to you

  18. I was there too and it is not fun. But it ends. Light at the end of the tunnel if it's even possible to believe in that. Love and hugs to you wonderful mama.

  19. I'm glad to hear that your fluid levels have improved, though I understand this is still such a stressful time for you. I'm hoping that the next 3 weeks go as smoothly as possible, and am looking forward to hearing more about the new babe. And your Kai...my goodness, what a sweetie he is. Remembering Camille, and sending love to you all,

    xoxo, K

  20. Thinking of you all and wishing everything goes as smoothly as possible, that there are some moments of lightness and hope to buoy you in the next few weeks, and that the weeks pass quickly...

  21. Omg only 3 weeks!!!!! Tell you what...those days and weeks that are passing by gut-wrenchingly slowly now will go by like a flash when this baby makes her debut. That's the only way I can justify not checking in and commenting more. It's been 7 1/2 weeks since our precious rainbow was born, and every day has been heaven and all-consuming. I should be sleeping now in order to handle the upcoming week, but it's so nice to take a few minutes for myself doing 'old normal' stuff.
    I know I know how stressful this time is, how things reach a fever pitch in the last few weeks. Normal normal normal, my friend. We took 3 extra trips to L&D in freak-outs over lack of movement or other in the last several weeks of pregnancy. I hope they're telling you to go as often as you need - it does help when you have another bit of reassurance that all is still well.
    My own heart stopped a little as I read they couldn't find your little girls HB for about 5 minutes. I mean honestly - that's 5 years of hell in PTSD time. God love you, woman. I hope you don't have that again the remainder of the pregnancy.
    THREE WEEKS!! I can't get over it. I continue to think of you often despite my lack of posting. I promise. Am holding you up energetically from Minnesota...and cannot wait to celebrate with you in September. :)

  22. Thinking of you and hoping days ahead are easy on you. Wow..3weeks is indeed close!

  23. You're so close, Renel. I look forward to hearing your news, soon. Hope you're hanging in there, mama. Much love sent your way. xoxox


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