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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Monday, July 30, 2012


*This post I will be cussing A LOT!

I went in for my first NST. I was actually thinking it may decrease my stress level. The problem is that I had to return to the hospital where I delivered Camille. My husband, son and I went to the hospital at 10am this morning for my AFI. The good news is that it has gone into the normal range. Low normal but still normal by like .5 a point. I had to wait for a good hour before being seen. I was in a part of the hospital I had never been and I was with D and Kai so it was kind of okay. Except that it was still hard just going to the hospital. BUT then the FUCKING nursery song comes on when a baby is born. That sends me into a total fucking panic. It happens at least 2 times while waiting. I have to tell the ultrasound tech why we are there...Cue tears.

Than we head up to labor and delivery....NOT STOKED. We check in and the lady tells us...sorry no kids allowed....why didn't they fucking tell me that when I scheduled the NST? So D and Kai have to leave and I am directed to sit in a chair in the hallway outside the door where I found out Camille had died 1 year ago. Once again I am alone. What kind of fucking hospital only has 3 beds in the labor and delivery triage? I am waiting and waiting...Yes I am crying. Then I see one of the nurses from my OB's practice and she sees me crying and I tell her it is the first time I have been back. She has had a baby since the last time I saw her about 6 months ago....at least it is distracting. They take some other moms into the room. I am still waiting.
Now at this point I have pretty much used up all my calm your shit down mojo and the anxiety is starting to creep in. I am crying but not out loud. Than another mom comes in who is in labor so of course I get bumped....I get it. BUT...

So I tell the lady who originally walked me in that I haven't been seen yet and she said that scheduled NST always take second priority. She doesn't know my story. I don't tell every nurse walking by that I'm having a rough go because my baby died last year you know? I had been waiting forever...I finally couldn't take it anymore and am sobbing in the hallway and go up to the lady and say I have to go, I cannot stay and she says well we were just going to have you go down to the 4th floor and do your NST there....WHY DIDN'T you have me go down there 2 FUCKING hours ago? This other nurse asks me if I am in pain and I tell her no and tell her it is my first time back since my daughter died and I am not okay and I need to go.

I get to the 4th floor and I have completely lost my shit with snot and tears and crazy all over me. I go into my own personal hospital room and the nurse stays with me the whole time. We talked about Camille and death and stupid people and I was there for a very long time. I know the baby was doing well cause I could feel her moving about and kicking me but let me tell you, when they strapped that monitor on me I felt like my brain was going to explode. Last time one of those was on me there was nothing except static and my own heartbeat.

I got out of the hospital by around 2:45...yeah seriously 10-2:45 which is a long time to have to keep your shit together ...well obviously I didn't. That place is like my own personal war zone. PTSD is REAL and I have got it bad. I was supposed to go to my group therapy today but I couldn't make it. I came home and told Kai he had to play or watch videos on my phone since he wouldn't nap because I HAD to sleep. I woke up after 5pm and just cried and cried. I calmed down a little but have been beyond exhausted. I went to bed tonight...exhausted but couldn't sleep and just cried and cried.

I know that this pregnancy has been difficult, stressful, anxiety ridden, but the closer I get the crazier I become. Pregnancy after the death of your child is the most challenging experience that I cannot even begin to describe. I don't know how to manage the next several weeks. I am at my wits end and I have sooo much time left. I worry about all the cortisol I am dumping into this baby from my anxiety but I don't have control. I wish I could wake up and just have my baby here.

And to think I am supposed to do this again Thursday....I have to call and see if I can go somewhere else. I have to do something because I cannot do this twice a week. I am doing the best I can, sometimes it is good enough, other times it isn't. Today was a day I knew would be hard, I didn't know it would send me spiraling. I didn't know it would send me into a full on panic. I didn't think it would be as horrific as it was. When I am in that space I have no tools to talk myself down. By the time I reach the point where I was, I am beyond all those rational self-talks. I wish this was easier.

I am exhausted. I have to work in the morning and I feel like I got run over by a bus. I wish I could make this better. I just want my baby to live.


  1. You sound perfectly reasonable to me! Seriously, though, sorry this is so hard, hope your next appointment will be easier. But mostly I hope that you have a screaming baby in your arms, sooner rather than later!

  2. Oh, my God, Renel, I'm so, so sorry. What absolute hell you've been through! I haven't stepped foot back in the hospital where Molly was born, and just the thought of it makes me feel incredibly anxious and upset. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I don't blame you for wanting to go somewhere else. PTSD is no joke.

    I wish this was easier for you, too, sweetie. Sending love and hugs, and hoping for some peace and joy for you soon. <3 <3 <3 to all your babies. xoxo

  3. I so, so get this. It's no good anyone saying to 'just relax', because...it's blimmin' impossible. I was so so traumatised by Seamus's death that, like you, returning to the hospital was tremendously difficult. I'll never forget crying through ultrasounds, feeling like I was going to throw-up walking into the antenatal clinic, shaking when they hooked me up to the CTG machines. The whole pregnancy felt like I was holding my breath for nine long, long months.

    What helped me a lot, was just trying to focus on the next appointment. Never looking at the whole pregnancy - just getting to the next one thing. So in your case, thinking that you just have to get to Thursday. You have to go and do the NST and that's it. Try not to let your mind go to "I have to do this twice a week for x amount of weeks!" It's just too overwhelming. One step, one appointment at a time.

    And, surprisingly, I started going into the hospital so often, that it did actually get a bit easier each time.

    I am so sorry that this is so damn hard. I hope that you can find a way to get through the days. Be gentle on yourself and just do whatever you have to, to get through.

  4. This is pretty much why I think I can't do it again. Because I've done it, twice now, and I'm done. Fuck it is hard. I think you're doing a brilliant job. Just bloody brilliant.

  5. NST's were brutal for me as well and Layton never cooperated which always ended up with me getting BPP's...it is almost like a double edged sword because u r getting them to help eae your fears, but in return they seem to just magnify them. I remember how hard the last 2 months were. I really hope she is a constant mover for you o help ease some of that anxiety. Thinking of you

  6. I hear you loud and clear. The closer we got to delivery, the more I felt like I had to lose, if that makes sense? Like we had gotten this far but there's no way my luck won't run out.

    I hope you can be relocated for your next NST, or in the least that they will get you in and out as quickly as possible. Absolutely lose your shit and tell them why you're crying. It might be the only silver lining in this whole blm thing... That you should get priority because your f'ing baby died and you're freaking out.

    Because until you've been there, you really can't possibly know how f'ing stressful it is to have this all on your shoulders.

  7. Wow I can't believe try made u wait that long! I went to the mfm's office for my testing, thank god. Even though I was in the hospital a ton dor other stuff, it was still hard to go by certain rooms and I just kept waiting for the moment they tried to take me to THAT triage room, and I would have lost my shit even moreso. I had flashbacks big time as the rolled me thru the halls... It was awful! So sorry you had such a rough time. Hoping next time is better and that time flies between now and when baby girl arrives safely.

  8. As each weak goes by I start to freak out more, I am also soooo worried that something will happen. I was stronger than I thought when I had to go back to the same hopsital to have tests done especially considering everything that happened to Jack there but thankfully I do not have to go back. My delievery will be in a different hospital as well. I am anxious right now too, off to see the dietition again this morning and I am hoping my numbers have improved enough not to get insulin. I am thinking of you and wishing it gets easier for you xoxoxox

  9. I'm so sorry. I hope the next NST is better. And if they cause too much stress and have the opposite intention of what you were going for - it's ok to skip them. I had mine twice a week too, but I know people who did theirs just once a week.

    Ugh - I'm so sorry you had a tough time - this shit is just hard. Just freaking hard.

  10. You got through it great. I know it sounds like total parental cheese lines, but your best is always good enough. And you did your best, and I think it was great.

    I haven't been where you are, and I'm not sure if I will in fact ever be... but I can imagine your stress.

    And I agree with LauraJane, just lose your shit. Scare the shit out of all the other preggo's with in the vicinity, and get them to look after you the way you need to be looked after. I mean, come on...

  11. I am several weeks behind you in this pregnancy, but I also find myself increasingly worried about every little thing with this baby (and I'm pretty sure that no one but this community understands the extent of this and just how crazy this is making me!)

    I am also nervous about going back into L&D where Bear was born and I know I could switch hospitals, but I really liked the nurses and I want my boys to be born at the same place if possible. I am hoping as Aiofe said that going for all the testing will make it easier and if I get more comfortable being there, the PTSD won't peak at delivery. I hope this for you too!


  12. Oh mama. My first NST with Owen was so fucking traumatic. And then he wasn't responding as well as they'd like. I was bawling my eyes out ten minutes into it, trembling, everything. The second one was a little better. Each time, it got a bit better and a little easier. My hope is that it will be the same for you. My perinatologist told me after doing a thorough u/s that he actually didn't even think I needed the twice weekly NSTs so I only had to do them if in fact they would help calm me. I think when he framed it in that light, it made me feel less stressed about them.

    But I hear you. This is the longest hardest part, I think, you are so close. I wish I could drive down to you and accompany you to the appointments. Keep breathing. And, like everyone else has said, don't be afraid to lose your shit and tell them why you are losing your shit. You deserve special accommodations. You really do. You do not need to protect the other preggo mamas, you need to take care of yourself, your mental health, and your precious little baby.

  13. I went back to a hospital (not the hospital Eva died in) for a toenail problem (very minor I know) and I lost it in the surgery suite. It wasn't even the same hospital but it was right next to the ER where I first brought her in months before she died. It just brought it all back to me so the fact that you lost it in your position is no surprise. I just wish there was a bereaved mom room so you wouldn't have to be with everyone else. On the good side I went back to the hospital another time and it was better, almost like going there the first time desensitized me for the next time so maybe going there a few times for NSTs will help for when you're there for the real thing. Oh, live baby live!

  14. Well, you know that I'm right with you in the Losing Your Shit In Front of Healthcare Workers Club. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that alone, with all of those impossible triggers and frightening scenarios in your head. My NSTs were at a different hospital than the one where I delivered Eliza, and I know that helped a lot. But they were STILL stressful. I had to do my deep breathing (breathe in healthy baby, breathe out fear and doubt) and even then I couldn't always stave off the tears. I wish I could fast forward through the next several weeks for you. They will be difficult, but you will manage. Ask for what you need and don't be shy about it. Eyes on the prize.

  15. Oh god. Oh god I so get this. I am so sorry . . . just for all of it. My NSTs were in my OBs office but, you know, STILL. It is so stressful and so traumatic and so fresh and so fucking hard.

    I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but O is just the happiest dude on the planet, and I, too, was a fucking BASKET CASE during his pregnancy. Basket. Case. So, like, there's that.

    Love to you, peace and strength and courage, too. You can do it. I know it.

  16. I've had to go back to the same hospital a few times, but usually to a different area, but for our ultrasound I had to walk by the NICU and be in the same area of the hospital where our daughter lived and died her few short days.
    It is f-ing awful, but you survived it. I can't believe that you weren't treated with greater sensitivity. I hope that you can book your tests for another location going forward.

  17. Oh Renel, I'm so sorry. The PTSD is INTENSE and lodged into a part of my brain that is not even close to the part of my brain that can calm myself down, reason, or even get control of my breath. I wish that there were something that I could say that could help. I haven't been where you are right now. Whoever is providing your care should be more mindful of your PTSD, and should make sure that you could go through the tests smoothly WITHOUT WAITING!!

    Love and peace to you

  18. What a horrible way to go through an appointment that should have helped to decrease your fears. I am glad that you will be seeking another location. I had my NSTs at the hospitals also but on a separate wing and that was much easier to deal with.

    Sending you some peace and love.

  19. Dude. I can't believe you had to go up to L&D triage for the NST in the first place. Isn't your file well known in that joint, or what? Why wouldn't the 4th floor have been the FIRST thought?


    I'm sorry. This is hard and it's not helpful when the rest of the world is still crapping rainbows. :/

  20. Oh Renel. I just wrote a huge comment and it's so long it wasn't accepted. So I emailed you instead.

    We're here, you're doing great even though that's the last thing you probably believe. All the rest is in the email.


  21. I'm so sorry you had such a rough time. Yes, its hard. So so hard. I'm doing everything (surgery, hospitalisation, bed rest, losing weight, ect.) as last year with Liam and it's terrifying. We do what we have to do, its for the best cause in the world.

    I hope your next appointment is easier. Love and peace to you Renel.

  22. Hey Renel,
    Things are getting... closer. I'm thinking about you. I hope the second NST was easier to settle into, and you are at ease with everything.
    You're never far from my thoughts.


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