*This post I will be cussing A LOT!
I went in for my first NST. I was actually thinking it may decrease my stress level. The problem is that I had to return to the hospital where I delivered Camille. My husband, son and I went to the hospital at 10am this morning for my AFI. The good news is that it has gone into the normal range. Low normal but still normal by like .5 a point. I had to wait for a good hour before being seen. I was in a part of the hospital I had never been and I was with D and Kai so it was kind of okay. Except that it was still hard just going to the hospital. BUT then the FUCKING nursery song comes on when a baby is born. That sends me into a total fucking panic. It happens at least 2 times while waiting. I have to tell the ultrasound tech why we are there...Cue tears.
Than we head up to labor and delivery....NOT STOKED. We check in and the lady tells us...sorry no kids allowed....why didn't they fucking tell me that when I scheduled the NST? So D and Kai have to leave and I am directed to sit in a chair in the hallway outside the door where I found out Camille had died 1 year ago. Once again I am alone. What kind of fucking hospital only has 3 beds in the labor and delivery triage? I am waiting and waiting...Yes I am crying. Then I see one of the nurses from my OB's practice and she sees me crying and I tell her it is the first time I have been back. She has had a baby since the last time I saw her about 6 months ago....at least it is distracting. They take some other moms into the room. I am still waiting.
Now at this point I have pretty much used up all my calm your shit down mojo and the anxiety is starting to creep in. I am crying but not out loud. Than another mom comes in who is in labor so of course I get bumped....I get it. BUT...
So I tell the lady who originally walked me in that I haven't been seen yet and she said that scheduled NST always take second priority. She doesn't know my story. I don't tell every nurse walking by that I'm having a rough go because my baby died last year you know? I had been waiting forever...I finally couldn't take it anymore and am sobbing in the hallway and go up to the lady and say I have to go, I cannot stay and she says well we were just going to have you go down to the 4th floor and do your NST there....WHY DIDN'T you have me go down there 2 FUCKING hours ago? This other nurse asks me if I am in pain and I tell her no and tell her it is my first time back since my daughter died and I am not okay and I need to go.
I get to the 4th floor and I have completely lost my shit with snot and tears and crazy all over me. I go into my own personal hospital room and the nurse stays with me the whole time. We talked about Camille and death and stupid people and I was there for a very long time. I know the baby was doing well cause I could feel her moving about and kicking me but let me tell you, when they strapped that monitor on me I felt like my brain was going to explode. Last time one of those was on me there was nothing except static and my own heartbeat.
I got out of the hospital by around 2:45...yeah seriously 10-2:45 which is a long time to have to keep your shit together ...well obviously I didn't. That place is like my own personal war zone. PTSD is REAL and I have got it bad. I was supposed to go to my group therapy today but I couldn't make it. I came home and told Kai he had to play or watch videos on my phone since he wouldn't nap because I HAD to sleep. I woke up after 5pm and just cried and cried. I calmed down a little but have been beyond exhausted. I went to bed tonight...exhausted but couldn't sleep and just cried and cried.
I know that this pregnancy has been difficult, stressful, anxiety ridden, but the closer I get the crazier I become. Pregnancy after the death of your child is the most challenging experience that I cannot even begin to describe. I don't know how to manage the next several weeks. I am at my wits end and I have sooo much time left. I worry about all the cortisol I am dumping into this baby from my anxiety but I don't have control. I wish I could wake up and just have my baby here.
And to think I am supposed to do this again Thursday....I have to call and see if I can go somewhere else. I have to do something because I cannot do this twice a week. I am doing the best I can, sometimes it is good enough, other times it isn't. Today was a day I knew would be hard, I didn't know it would send me spiraling. I didn't know it would send me into a full on panic. I didn't think it would be as horrific as it was. When I am in that space I have no tools to talk myself down. By the time I reach the point where I was, I am beyond all those rational self-talks. I wish this was easier.
I am exhausted. I have to work in the morning and I feel like I got run over by a bus. I wish I could make this better. I just want my baby to live.