|Kai's loved, washed, and well used 3.5 year old quilt|
I know I have not written much about the pregnancy with our precious much loved and desired rainbow baby...I promise some posts are to come....but, one thing is very clear to me....The way I knew I needed to send out cards for Camille's birthday is how I feel I MUST make this new baby girl a quilt. The problem has been that I just couldn't even think about it, let alone begin it before Camille's birthday. It just felt so wrong to be doing it for this baby when I didn't do it for Camille. I told my therapist the week of Camille's birthday that I hoped that I would be able to focus a little more on this baby after Camille's birthday passed. The focus of every day is bringing this baby, living and breathing into our family. What I meant was that I really wanted to start the process of doing things that showed in a physical manner that I believed that this baby will come home with us....which is a difficult task. The belief and the hope are two different things.
Last week, with tears and a heavy heart I headed to the fabric store. It took a lot of effort, I might even call it courage to drive over there with intent to pick out fabric for a baby quilt. Once I was in the store, I was fine. I have been in a fabric store a hundred times. The fabric store is not my nemesis, my guilt is. That overriding feeling that I didn't do enough to show my love for Camille before she was here. I picked out fabric and it felt fine. I found some pieces that I really like and honestly it will be different in a lot of ways than some of the other quilts I have made, but this also seems appropriate. Of course now I must set upon the daunting task of actually completing the project...but I must... I will post photos once I begin...But I am glad I made the initial steps toward my goal.