 |
| Kai's loved, washed, and well used 3.5 year old quilt |
I know I have not written much about the pregnancy with our precious much loved and desired rainbow baby...I promise some posts are to come....but, one thing is very clear to me....The way I knew I needed to send out cards for Camille's birthday is how I feel I MUST make this new baby girl a quilt. The problem has been that I just couldn't even think about it, let alone begin it before Camille's birthday. It just felt so wrong to be doing it for this baby when I didn't do it for Camille. I told my therapist the week of Camille's birthday that I hoped that I would be able to focus a little more on this baby after Camille's birthday passed. The focus of every day is bringing this baby, living and breathing into our family. What I meant was that I really wanted to start the process of doing things that showed in a physical manner that I believed that this baby will come home with us....which is a difficult task. The belief and the hope are two different things.
Last week, with tears and a heavy heart I headed to the fabric store. It took a lot of effort, I might even call it courage to drive over there with intent to pick out fabric for a baby quilt. Once I was in the store, I was fine. I have been in a fabric store a hundred times. The fabric store is not my nemesis, my guilt is. That overriding feeling that I didn't do enough to show my love for Camille before she was here. I picked out fabric and it felt fine. I found some pieces that I really like and honestly it will be different in a lot of ways than some of the other quilts I have made, but this also seems appropriate. Of course now I must set upon the daunting task of actually completing the project...but I must... I will post photos once I begin...But I am glad I made the initial steps toward my goal.
Momma, you can still make her a quilt. Maybe not a full sized one, but something to keep with you always to celebrate her.
ReplyDeleteLovely Renel - I'm sorry I've been out of touch for so long - and so much has been going on for you in the meantime. I'm glad that Camille's birthday was so special - and that you were able to get her cards printed and sent out. And I can't believe you'll be meeting your rainbow baby in only a matter of weeks! I think it is such a huge act of bravery to start making her quilt - I was too scared to make anything for Ali until the last week, when I knitted some tiny lumpy socks for him while I was in pre-labour - as though I had to physically knit together the belief that he would arrive and live to wear them. That said, I don't think Camille needed a quilt to know how much you loved her and were longing to meet her. Hoping that these last weeks of the pregnancy go well, and that you hear good news on the diabetes and fluid levels fronts. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteGuilt. Yes, I so get that. And you were prepared for Camille - you had everything that she needed to come home, and could get anything else that she might need. You just weren't prepared for her not to come home.
ReplyDeleteKai's quilt is so sweet, and I'm sure this little rainbow's quilt will be beautiful.
I'm thinking of you. Your new little one will be here so soon!
Sending love
Yes Suzanne. That's exactly it but I hadn't really thought about it like you put it. Ready for her to come home, just not ready for her not to come home.
DeleteIt was hard for me yo get started making things for Kellan, but once I did, it felt so good. And once he came home with us, it felt amazing! I look around his room now, and I'm so glad I did it then bc I wouldn't have the time now! It also gave mexquiet time to think anout Hayes and Kellan as i crafted. I hope you will have that peaceful time too. And i hope you will post pics when it's done.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog in the early days of my sorrow. Your words have bought me comfort, tears and confirmation that I feel the same as other mothers who have lost their baby, I am not stuck or broken, I am devastated.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it is your thing but if it were I would like to send you a piece of fabric for a quilt for Camille. I think probably loads of your readers would want to loving select a square of precious fabric for your daughter.
You are remarkable Renel xo
Sarah- I am sorry for your loss although I do not know your story. That is such a kind and lovely offer. If you ever want to talk, share your story or need more support please email me. I may hit you up for that piece of fabric :)
DeleteOh I had so many of these same feelings. When we hung curtains in the nursery I burst into tears. It's all so scary but I always figured that if I did thing things to prepare for Finn I wouldn't regret it no matter what happened. I hope that eventually there is less fear and more excitement as you start your quilt.
ReplyDeleteKai's quilt is beautiful, Renel, and the new baby's quilt will be too, I'm sure of it. I'm so glad you have taken the plunge to do it. It can't have been easy.
ReplyDeleteThis post struck a chord with me (as almost all of your posts have done). When I was pregnant with Max I began knitting him a baby blanket. It was only about a quarter done when he was born at 23 weeks.
In the days after his death I got into a grief-stricken panic that it was incomplete, that the blanket would never be his. I cried and cried. My mum had the idea that I should give it to him anyway, and in the end, because he was so tiny, the small bit I had knitted wrapped around him perfectly. I wrapped him in it in his coffin, and it gave me so much comfort. I'm glad that Max had it, but I also wish I had kept it, as like you, I didn't have many things that belonged to him yet - I thought I had months and months left to prepare. . .
I look forward to seeing pictures of the quilt as you progress, and I hope that it brings you glimmers of hope that this baby will come home with you.
A lovely leap of faith.
ReplyDeletexo
Courageous indeed! The easier path is often avoidance.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are making a quilt for this baby. Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteThere are alot of things I wish I had done for Jack but we thought we had all the time in the world. The love you had for her is the most important thing. Maybe you can still make a quilt for both Camille and new baby. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are brave and wonderful. What a beautiful idea. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeletexo
I'm proud of you. That takes remarkable courage to do these things which appear innocuous to the other shoppers at the craft store. I'm sure this blanket will be beautiful. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful idea.. sending love and light.. xo
ReplyDeleteTo think buying fabric would bring out the fear. But it does, like so many simple tasks an ordinary pregnant mom would be elated to accomplish.
ReplyDeleteThis is a lovely idea. I was thinking about Camille and how you were saddened she never had her own things during your pregnancy. While I am not one to give advice, I thought it might be an idea to consider-- what about incorporating some of Camille in this new blanket somehow? These girls are connected in so many ways. I tried this in projects I worked on for Benjamin (though I was unable to accomplish while pregnant). I wanted desperately to pay tribute to Andrew in creating for B. The moose is for all my children, but made specifically for the nursery Benjamin uses daily-- yet I knew I wanted to include Andrew's name and some of my wonderful pregnancy moments in that piece. Perhaps finding some kind of fabric with the name Camille or stitching Camille's name in a corner or something? Maybe a simple butterfly or symbol that reminds you of Camille as well?
Of course those are just thoughts and nothing more. Whatever you do, it's perfect in its own right and all out of love.
I love your moose and your ideas are very good. I'll have to think of something.
DeleteNo one could ever doubt your love for Camille, prep work and quilt or not.
ReplyDeleteI love the quilt it is beautiful. Camille knows you love her. When we recreated the nursery this time, every item I picked out I kept Braedon in mind. It helped me feel as if I was somehow including him. I also purchased a few things for him as well. They are now sitting on his shelf. You could still make that quilt and place it with her ashes. Sending you peaceful thoughts as the weeks go by.
ReplyDeleteThat is so very brave of you, Renel. Sending big HUGS. xo
ReplyDeleteWe didn't buy anything or make anything for A, either, and I regret that immensely. I'm glad you are taking the steps to start this and it makes sense why you needed to wait until after Camille's birthday to focus in this way on her little sister.
ReplyDeletemuch love to you, mama. I look forward to seeing the finished quilt, and to seeing kai and camille's sister wrapped up in it, coming home, in the not too distant future. I also echo the others who said it's not too late to make a quilt for camille. xoxox
ReplyDeleteKai's quilt is so beautiful, I love the fact that it has been loved and well-used (although you couldn't tell that from the photographs)
ReplyDeletePlease don't think that you didn't do enough for Camille. I feel awful that I over prepared. Renel - I have a 12-18 month size dress that bought for Georgina. How ridiculous and complacent? I think that, no matter what we do, it all seems wrong.
I can't wait to see the next quilt, I know it will be wonderful. Hang on in there x
Oh I know... I was half way through making Seamus's quilt when we found out that he had died. I'll never forget in the days that followed, trying to focus through red stung eyes as I finished it. He was wrapped in it inside his coffin.
ReplyDeleteSo, like you, the thought of starting a new quilt for Hugo was so, so difficult - so emotionally charged. I remember sitting down at my sewing machine and crying before putting it away again... but, a few weeks later, I took it out again, shed a few more tears, but I began. And as I sewed, I thought of both my boys, and it slowly began to feel sort of theraputic.
Good luck with your project. I'm sure Camille will be stitched into the quilt - she'll be thought of throughout the making of this very special gift.