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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Tragedy That Is Not My Own

Yesterday I found out about a tragic event that took place the night before. There was a family who was out riding bikes and walking along a paved pathway very close to our home. There was a father riding his bike with a two year old on the back, his son was on his own bike close behind. The mother and their older daughter were walking on the trail. They crossed the street at a cross walk to get to the other part of the trail when the father and daughter on the bike and the little boy on his bike were struck by a drunk driver. The father and daughter went up on the hood and then off, the boy was drug for about a block. The driver left the scene but later returned. The little boy who was 7 died. I was talking about it with several of my patients yesterday. I went home and told my husband...I started to cry. It is just SO tragic. I wonder if the mother saw the whole thing. The father and little girl are in the hospital but I think they are stable.

We were driving to Santa Cruz last night and my husband says to me. "Can you imagine what that family must be going through right now?" I started crying again and said "I don't have to imagine, I know"
I know the mother can not breathe right now.
I know that the father wishes that he had died instead.
I know that the family has been twisted and destroyed in a way that is difficult for anyone comprehend.
I know that they are in the pit of hell with a darkness that surrounds them.
I know the sound of silence that screams of pain and anguish.

I wish I didn't know...but now a tragedy like this hits me in a way I would never have understood before Camille died.
A family has been devestated by the death of their child.
It breaks my heart.
I feel so deeply for this family.
Such a senseless and unexpected tragedy....I am SO sorry for their loss.


  1. God that is just awful. My heart froze reading this. I know how they must be feeling, yet I don't..... What a tragedy.
    My love to this poor family.

  2. How heartbreaking. Having Cale, loving him, and losing him, have devastated my heart but made it so much bigger. Big enough to feel with intense sadness and compassion for people, like this poor family, who are living their worst nightmare.

    I know hearing stuff like this is especially hard while you are trying to cling on to hope. Thinking of you, thinking of this poor family.

  3. It's amazing how your sense of empathy just envelops you when things like that happen. Like your bones ache from the weight of it, right? So much love to that family. Oh, how they will need it.

    And love to you, Renel.xo

  4. Yes, what the other said - having tragedy hit our home makes it all the more palpable for me when it hits another's home - even if I don't know them personally. Plus, yes, like Caroline said - it's even worse when you're trying to cling to hope for your own peace as well. Sometimes I have to turn away from reading new blogs or even visiting glow for this reason - it's like my heart can't handle it - and then I feel guilty that I can't reach out to new moms in our shoes.

    Much love to you and your ever growing and beautiful belly, sending light to your entire family, to this grieving family as well.

  5. You are so right, Renel. That is exactly what it feels like. The pit of hell and surrounded by darkness. Caroline is right that it makes our hearts bigger. Not worth the price, but it happens nonetheless.

  6. Unbelievably heartbreaking.
    What an awareness this whole child loss thing is. It's crazy.
    I was thinking about jonbenet ramsey case today and how everyone blamed her parents. I thought about everything that they went through and then on top of it all, they were blamed. As a country we put that family through hell and i can not imagine handling all of that darkness. and even the police didn't believe the hired investigators when they found evidence that the parents had nothing to do with her disappearance. How differently i see that case now versus then.

    Thinking of you and Camille always. xo

  7. Oh my God. My heart sunk in my chest as I read this - it's terrible to know such heartbreak and to be so close to tragedy. If I would have heard about something like this before Nathaniel, it would have been so much easier to brush it off as more bad news, like turning on the tv and seeing all of the horrible things that people do to each other. But now that tragedy has brushed against me, I feel the brush of others' tragedy, too.

    Breathe deeply. I know that you are getting ready to welcome the next wee one so soon. I hope you share her quilt:)


  8. It's so hard to read about something like this now... because we all know how it feels... what they are going through... it squeezes my heart. Those poor, poor people.


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