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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Well That Sucked!

I guess I just don't know how I am going to feel around holidays and birthdays, special events or otherwise trigger inducing activities.

This was my first mother's day without Camille. Last year I was VERY pregnant with her. Yes I have a living son and Yes I am pregnant...but my daughter is dead and that makes today very very sad. I felt it coming on, anxiety, short on patience, itchy in my soul.

Last night we went to a Grizzlies game, they are the farm team for the S.F. Giants baseball team so we get to see some up and coming players and sometimes they send down some pro players. Last year on mother's day we went to a game and the mamas and the kids got to run the bases after the game. Being gigantically pregnant I waddle-jogged after my almost 2.5 year old and was completely out of breath by home plate.
Just going to the game last night was hard for me. I cried on the way there. D asked what was wrong and I said "it's just supposed to be different".

Today my fabulous 3 year old woke up and gave me a kiss and said happy mother's day. He told me while I was getting dressed that he was glad that I was his mama. He said today is your day. I am so grateful for him. Really...it makes me sound so ungrateful... all these tears. I have a child, I am pregnant with another, but it does not negate my love and my loss.

It was 95 degrees here today and so we drove up to Shaver Lake to have a picnic. It was very nice of D and Kai to pack a picnic and all, but I just wasn't that into it. I wanted to be into it....the truth is I don't think much would have made the day okay for me. I cried at least 5 times today behind my sunglasses. I ended the day with a bang and went to Costco, got some gas, and ate some soup and mac n' cheese cuz that's how I roll. :)

I am so grateful, for my life, my son, my husband, the baby I am growing...but I miss Camille, and some days the missing seems to overshadow the gratefulness. They truly do reside together. Honestly it can be very confusing.

The view of My Boys in Shaver Lake 

I wish Camille was here to dip her toes into the water. 


  1. It was a hard day for me as well. Light and love to you and our babies.

  2. xxxxxx "reside together" is a good way to put it. That whole first year with so many milestones is so hard - I really felt like I was re-living 2009 with each significant 2010 date. Sending lots of love and wishing Camille was there with you to enjoy Shaver Lake. xxxx

  3. I so, so get this. My first Mothers' Day without Calla I was pregnant, too. And had my little guy making me smile. The hardest to take was everyone expecting me to be all, "Oh mothers' day is so WONDERFUL!"

    I freaking HATE mothers day and always will until I am the 90 year old lady who doesn't have to make all the plans for everyone else! And even then I'll still be sad because I'll always be missing my girl.

    Hugs to you, love. I'm glad you made it through, and know you are not alone.

  4. You don't sound ungrateful. It's clear how much you love what you have, it's just that you love what you don't have too which makes every day tough - especially a day like Mother's Day that should just be so very different.

    It was just kind of a blagh day for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm super grateful I have a living baby now - but the son who made me a mom isn't even here. And that will always be tough.

    Wishing Camille were here too...

  5. This is my second without G. Although I don't have the raw, I-want-to-die feeling from last year, it still sucked. And I think it always will. How can it not, when one of your children is missing? I always seem to walk a very fine line between grateful and pissed.

  6. Oh the first one sucked and like you I was pregnant again, so I had that glimmer of hope (though no other living children so I just wanted the world to swallow me up as I really felt I had no reason to get up out of bed or show my face anywhere).
    Sending you much love Renel. This is all so bloody hard. Wish I could pop around and give you a hug.

  7. The first one is so hard. It will get easier, and somehow it gets easier without diminishing the significance of your loss. Sometimes it feels like we'll never strike that balance, though.

  8. You have every right to miss Camille. Your son is sounds like a precious little sweetheart!!!!

  9. I love the sweet things that Kai says and does! You have never sounded ungrateful for him, or anything. I hope that the rest of the week feels a bit lighter.

  10. Now that I have B here with me, I feel like I understand what you're saying. Just because I have a child does not make the one that's gone matter less. It actually highlights it all because I AM acknowledged as being a mommy-- but only to the child people physically see and not to my firstborn.

    I received a "Happy First Mother's Day, New Mom" card and it immediately found its way to the trash. Meant well but obviously stung.

    Camille is most definitely your child along with the one you are growing and your son with you everyday. I am so sorry she is not celebrating with sloppy little kisses and cute smiles. I had a similar Mother's Day. I just told my husband I wanted to spend it like we do most weekends-- walk, grab some sandwiches and call it a day.

  11. The picture looks so beautiful and your day sounds lovely. Kai is just the sweetest little guy. My big guy was sweet to me yesterday, too. But I know what you mean about the lovely, clear day, but the reality of the overhanging absence of Camille not being there. Sometimes it's so much more painful - the way Nathaniel's absence makes even the most lovely things so sharp.

    I hope you find moments of peace in this upcoming week. How is the pregnancy going for you now?

  12. It sucked for me too, I spent the day with Codie's family and really I just wanted to go home and be miserable.xo

  13. I'm sorry :( You never sound ungrateful for Kai or the little growing babe - but your daughter is gone and that's horrible and there's no way to make that go away or make Mothers Day about pure happiness.

    Thinking of you and of Camille, especially with the one-year mark approaching. I know that casts a long shadow.

  14. I don't think you're ungrateful for missing Camille and feeling sorrow in the midst of joyful events. And you're right--no amount of future happiness or good luck will erase what happened and how you feel.

    I wish Camille was here to dip her toes in the water with her loving family, too.

    Sending love. xo

    (Great photo, by the way.)

  15. That is the paradox. Being grateful for what you have while simultaneously aching for what isn't. Your sorrow and longing for Camille do not undermine your love and gratitude for Kai. It's hard to grasp how both truths can be reality together, but here you are, living proof.

  16. Love to you, Camille and your son... such a hard day without all our children with us xoxo

  17. It was such a hard day for me too. I wish our babies were here. I wish Camille were enjoying the day with you and your boys, dipping her little toes into the water too. Love to you Renel. xx

  18. "...the missing seems to overshadow the gratefulness." Oh, I love that. I think it's very well said, and describing perfectly that even if gratefulness is not completely overshadowed, THERE ARE SHADOWS CAST UPON IT, no matter how big, bright and shiny the gratefulness is. That for me is the Reality of Everyday - balancing the emptiness and the loss with the things that Are, particularly those that are good. I agree, it feels confusing, a constant push-pull of being in the moment and wishing for what isn't. It's exhausting and on days like today, overwhelming. Tears are apropos, if you ask me. The first year, every year thereafter. We'll never stop missing our children, we'll never not be aware they're missing from our family events and pictures and special days - or our ordinary days.
    Thank you for sharing your day with us...it helps me to know I'm not the only one trying to live it 'normally' but feeling like maybe I'm not doing the best job. That tears are shared among this little posse we've got going on. May your sweet sweet boy continue to bring light to you and may this growing baby grow grow grow!

  19. "I felt it coming on, anxiety, short on patience, itchy in my soul." - Well said. Sorry I've not been about... just catching up as and when I can!


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