This was my first mother's day without Camille. Last year I was VERY pregnant with her. Yes I have a living son and Yes I am pregnant...but my daughter is dead and that makes today very very sad. I felt it coming on, anxiety, short on patience, itchy in my soul.
Last night we went to a Grizzlies game, they are the farm team for the S.F. Giants baseball team so we get to see some up and coming players and sometimes they send down some pro players. Last year on mother's day we went to a game and the mamas and the kids got to run the bases after the game. Being gigantically pregnant I waddle-jogged after my almost 2.5 year old and was completely out of breath by home plate.
Just going to the game last night was hard for me. I cried on the way there. D asked what was wrong and I said "it's just supposed to be different".
Today my fabulous 3 year old woke up and gave me a kiss and said happy mother's day. He told me while I was getting dressed that he was glad that I was his mama. He said today is your day. I am so grateful for him. Really...it makes me sound so ungrateful... all these tears. I have a child, I am pregnant with another, but it does not negate my love and my loss.
It was 95 degrees here today and so we drove up to Shaver Lake to have a picnic. It was very nice of D and Kai to pack a picnic and all, but I just wasn't that into it. I wanted to be into it....the truth is I don't think much would have made the day okay for me. I cried at least 5 times today behind my sunglasses. I ended the day with a bang and went to Costco, got some gas, and ate some soup and mac n' cheese cuz that's how I roll. :)
I am so grateful, for my life, my son, my husband, the baby I am growing...but I miss Camille, and some days the missing seems to overshadow the gratefulness. They truly do reside together. Honestly it can be very confusing.
The view of My Boys in Shaver Lake
I wish Camille was here to dip her toes into the water.