About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I was thinking about this word the other day...."Expecting"

The word implies a lot. When I was pregnant with Kai, I was expecting.
When I was pregnant with Camille, I was expecting.
Expecting implies entitlement.
Expecting implies that the outcome is inevitable.

ex·pect  (k-spkt)
v. ex·pect·ed, ex·pect·ing, ex·pects
a. To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of: expecting a telephone call; expects rain on Sunday.
b. To consider likely or certain: expect to see them soon. See Usage Note at anticipate.
2. To consider reasonable or due: We expect an apology.
3. To consider obligatory; require: The school expects its pupils to be on time.
4. Informal To presume; suppose.
1. To look forward to the birth of one's child. Used in progressive tenses: His sister is expecting in May.
2. To be pregnant. Used in progressive tenses: My wife is expecting again.

Now pregnant with this little girl, I am NOT expecting...I am not so bold as to assume.

I am hoping...HOPING.


  1. So true... I'd never thought about that word before. Hope is all we have after loss. Love to you and bub xoxo

  2. Hoping,,,, that's what I'm doing too!

  3. With you! When I announce to the world of this new hope I will not say "I am expecting"
    - it is simply an in the now "I am pregnant". I am hopeful I will have a baby to bring home. Very very hopeful.

  4. Such a great way to put it, Renel. Even when people ask me when I'm having the baby, it makes me stiffen up. My general response is, "well, we hope on May 24." Thinking in my head of course, "yeah, probably not gonna happen."

    Thinking of you, mama.

  5. I'm hoping with you. That seems like the best thing to do.

  6. That is a great way to describe it. I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed for you, too :)

  7. I'm right with you on this one.

  8. Well said. I'm hoping right along with you. x

  9. So true. What makes me cringe even more is when people can say so confidently, we are HAVING a baby.

    Hoping right along with you for your little girl.

  10. I am hoping to be "hoping" some day very soon. I totally agree with you though, when I am in that position, I will not be so bold as to assume that pregancy = baby to take home.

    I am hoping beyond hope for you...and others expecting your rainbow babies.

  11. Preaching to the choir. I remember e-mailing my adviser to tell her that we were "expecting." She actually commented on how it's sounds so much nicer than announcing "I'm pregnant!" And in a way, I think it was appropriate. We were expecting Eliza. And our expectations were dashed to pieces. So this time, like you, I'm just hoping. But damn, I am hoping REALLY hard right now.

  12. Hoping, hoping, hoping, yes you said it and it's so true. Right with you xo

  13. Great expectations turned into great disappointments, and your feelings are so understandable. I'm hoping big time for you and your new little one, too. xo

  14. It seems like all the language concerning pregnancy just slips into meaningless blabber this time around. Hoping with you, friend.

  15. We are all hoping with you. If only our mass hope, our solidarity could guarantee her safe arrival. One day at a time, you've already made it halfway.


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