Worry And Sadness and Fear Oh My

I had my perinatology appointment yesterday. I am just about 23 weeks pregnant. I met the other MD who I had not yet met. He was much more business like (a New Yorker...said with the accent fo sho) A die hard Yankees fan (my husband is also a Yankees fan - oh joy lets talk about it - UM NO!) He starts right in with "Any bleeding, any cramping, any ....? No... Good, those are all the right answers?" I was taken a back, wondering where my kind African accented doctor was but tried to just take this as fresh eyes. Everything on baby girl looks good (yup...still a girl) all her anatomy looks good. She is measuring in at 1 pound which is right on the mark BUT....she is measuring 4 days behind the expected due date. Okay you know I am totally perseverating on those 4 days. Last time she was 2 days behind. The doctor says there is no statistical difference between 2 and 4 days...totally unconcerned. He says growth and weight can not be really measured until around 25 weeks. I know I just have to wait, that I should just relax but I was up at 4 am, crying. What if my baby....choke sob suck air choke sob.

This new peri asked quick questions about Camille and my last pregnancy...no...no bleeding, no cramping, no excessive exposure to pesticides (does the unwashed apricot from the farmers market count?), gestational diabetes-no, hypertension-no, I took Naproxen 1x (did that kill her?-No), slowed movements reported at 37 weeks, ultrasound done, baby measuring 2.5 weeks small but within normal limits, no NST done, baby dies at 38 weeks. He says well it sounds to me like it may have been a placental attachment problem, it sounds like maybe your placenta stopped provided adequate nutrition...(My thought- Fucking hell my body starved my baby to death, like I don't have enough guilt over her death, like my other thought is please oh please don't tell me she died in pain, that she drown in her own amniotic fluid screaming for help I couldn't offer) ...see I'm crying again because it's just toooooo much to have your baby die inside you. If anything is really going to send you down the crazy road this is it. The truth is we will never know why Camille died. It is so unbelievably tragic.

We left the appointment and I started crying walking out to the parking lot. I am so sad Camille is dead and every appointment brings me face to face with the questions I and no one else has the answers to. I see my sweet baby girl kicking and moving and I feel it simultaneously (the ultrasound tech felt her kick too) which is such a miracle and I love her so much....but I worry. I worry about those 4 days that no one else worries about. there is NOTHING that could be done right now anyway...23 weeks is still the sit and wait time. I love Camille, I love this baby girl and both feel so out of reach, I have no control and it is tortuous. I wake at 4 am....I can not stop my mind. My heart aches for Camille, my worry for this new baby is exponential, I can not tell which one I am crying over...both I suppose, and so I roll over and kiss my boy and put my hand on him to feel his chest rise and fall with life and breath.

I am tired today, I cry and apologize for the hundred millionth time to Kai for being short on patience and try to explain to him that I am worried about this baby. He says "but the baby is okay in your tummy", and so I need to remind myself of this, because I do not trust my body. It betrayed me before. I ache already, my pelvis, my ligaments...third baby after giving birth 6 months before and boy can I feel it. I wonder if my bones are sad too.

I know that the pregnancy will only become more difficult with time. Today I needed someone to talk to and had no one, today I needed to cry on someones shoulder and had no one. Some days I manage it better than others, today is not one of those days.