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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Worry And Sadness and Fear Oh My

I had my perinatology appointment yesterday. I am just about 23 weeks pregnant. I met the other MD who I had not yet met. He was much more business like (a New Yorker...said with the accent fo sho) A die hard Yankees fan (my husband is also a Yankees fan - oh joy lets talk about it - UM NO!) He starts right in with "Any bleeding, any cramping, any ....? No... Good, those are all the right answers?" I was taken a back, wondering where my kind African accented doctor was but tried to just take this as fresh eyes. Everything on baby girl looks good (yup...still a girl) all her anatomy looks good. She is measuring in at 1 pound which is right on the mark BUT....she is measuring 4 days behind the expected due date. Okay you know I am totally perseverating on those 4 days. Last time she was 2 days behind. The doctor says there is no statistical difference between 2 and 4 days...totally unconcerned. He says growth and weight can not be really measured until around 25 weeks. I know I just have to wait, that I should just relax but I was up at 4 am, crying. What if my baby....choke sob suck air choke sob.

This new peri asked quick questions about Camille and my last pregnancy...no...no bleeding, no cramping, no excessive exposure to pesticides (does the unwashed apricot from the farmers market count?), gestational diabetes-no, hypertension-no, I took Naproxen 1x (did that kill her?-No), slowed movements reported at 37 weeks, ultrasound done, baby measuring 2.5 weeks small but within normal limits, no NST done, baby dies at 38 weeks. He says well it sounds to me like it may have been a placental attachment problem, it sounds like maybe your placenta stopped provided adequate nutrition...(My thought- Fucking hell my body starved my baby to death, like I don't have enough guilt over her death, like my other thought is please oh please don't tell me she died in pain, that she drown in her own amniotic fluid screaming for help I couldn't offer) ...see I'm crying again because it's just toooooo much to have your baby die inside you. If anything is really going to send you down the crazy road this is it. The truth is we will never know why Camille died. It is so unbelievably tragic.

We left the appointment and I started crying walking out to the parking lot. I am so sad Camille is dead and every appointment brings me face to face with the questions I and no one else has the answers to. I see my sweet baby girl kicking and moving and I feel it simultaneously (the ultrasound tech felt her kick too) which is such a miracle and I love her so much....but I worry. I worry about those 4 days that no one else worries about. there is NOTHING that could be done right now anyway...23 weeks is still the sit and wait time. I love Camille, I love this baby girl and both feel so out of reach, I have no control and it is tortuous. I wake at 4 am....I can not stop my mind. My heart aches for Camille, my worry for this new baby is exponential, I can not tell which one I am crying over...both I suppose, and so I roll over and kiss my boy and put my hand on him to feel his chest rise and fall with life and breath.

I am tired today, I cry and apologize for the hundred millionth time to Kai for being short on patience and try to explain to him that I am worried about this baby. He says "but the baby is okay in your tummy", and so I need to remind myself of this, because I do not trust my body. It betrayed me before. I ache already, my pelvis, my ligaments...third baby after giving birth 6 months before and boy can I feel it. I wonder if my bones are sad too.

I know that the pregnancy will only become more difficult with time. Today I needed someone to talk to and had no one, today I needed to cry on someones shoulder and had no one. Some days I manage it better than others, today is not one of those days.

30 comments:

  1. So sorry today was so hard! Praying all is well with your baby girl and that everything is going to work out in the end!
    Cyber hugs your way!!

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  2. Oh friend. How I wish I could sit with you and listen. I am so sorry things are hard right now. I know this worry and pain well, and wish you did not.

    I never have the right words to write or say so I will just tell you I am with you, thinking of you, hearing you, understanding you, wishing it were different.

    Lots of love to you and the babies.
    xo

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  3. So many ups, downs, worries, you name it...hoping you are able to feel a little positivity towards this one...I know the anxiety can takes its toll. I know it is so hard, but kiss that little boy of yours and know you are not alone and you are doing the best you can.

    Pregnancy after loss is so ridiculously hard...just not fair!!!

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  4. Sometimes kids are so wise beyond their years. Because as hard as it is for us to accept and to believe, Kai's right - the baby is okay in your tummy. That's where it's best for her right now as she grows and develops and drives you insane with worry. It's so hard and while nothing I say will make it easier, I can only hope this time brings you closer to Camille as well as her little sister.

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  5. Just wanted to say that I'm listening, loving and hoping with you!

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  6. We're all supporting you. We know how unbelievably hard this is.

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  7. 23 weeks. Over half way there. You are doing a great job. I'm not really even sure how I made it through my pregnancy with Clio with my sanity intact. Take one day at a time, I think is all I have to offer. That sounds cliche but it is what was my mantra. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.

    xoxo

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  8. Renel! I finally fixed my browser and I can comment again!!! (I've tried for MONTHS to comment on your blog, mama!)

    Sending you so much love. Yes, you are doing an amazing job. I'm here, supporting you however I can. Like Bree said above, I'm really not sure how I made it through my pregnancy with my sanity intact. One breath at a time, one day at a time. Just keep doing what you're doing.

    Much love to you, mama.

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  9. Gah Renel, I could feel your stress as I read this post, probably bc I felt it myself merely a month and three days ago. Ugh, it is so hard, and I'm so sorry. It seemed like I was twenty-something weeks pregnant for an eternity bc like u said, it's the sit and wait time. Once week 30 hit, time really started to tick by at a decent pace. I hope the same for you. And it is just too much to have your baby die inside of you. Too much indeed.

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  10. The time ticks by so incredibly slowly... the days drag by, but we get there, as people say, a day at a time. I'm just trying to count weeks - I find day counting just gets too cumbersome. This space is so good tho - the support and to know we can do this together! xx Di

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  11. I've been there (who am I kidding,,, I'm still there) and know just how hard it can be. I don't trust my body either which is what I think makes everything so hard the second time around. I've been searching for the fast forward button for pregnancies after loss. If I ever do find it I'll let you use it.

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  12. I wish I could come to you right now. Right now. To sit and listen and be there for you, because I get it, I really do. Sometimes I wonder about having another baby, then I read posts like this and I am reminded of how fucking brutally hard it is, and I think I should just quit while I'm ahead.
    Sending you so much love and strength. To you and precious baby girl.
    xo

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  13. Oh, honey. It is so hard. I told Sam that I cannot do this pregnancy thing again, because I can't answer all those questions, constantly. How many pregnancies? How did she die? Were you diabetic? Hypertensive? You know...it is too much. Sometimes it sounds like they are asking, "Did you kill her, or did she just die?" The last questionnaire I had the question how many people I had sex with in my life. And I didn't answer it.

    I am here, going right now into my inbox to send you my phone number. Call me when you need someone. Please know you can. Love you, honey.

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  14. I'm sorry you had such a tough day yesterday. I can only imagine how hard this is. Know that we're here for you and I'm continuing to send good thoughts your way. xxoo

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  15. Hugs, love and support to you. I hope you have a better, more positive and peaceful day today.

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  16. Love to you. This is crazy hard. :/

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  17. I know. This is so hard. I wish there were some way to make it easier for you.

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  18. Thinking of you. I was in that exact same position just a few weeks ago--obsessively concerned about how measurements were dating (the abdomen measured 18 weeks 5 days! But the baby is supposed to be 20 weeks 1 day! What does that mean???) and my doctors were like, "Meh. No biggie." My OB spent some time convincing me that a fraction of a centimeter makes a huge difference when it comes to what percentile the baby is measuring, and that measurements vary depending on the ultrasound tech as well as the position of the baby. Just when I want medicine to be an exact science, you know...

    And I know there's no escaping the sense of guilt you feel when everything indicates that the baby was perfect and whatever went wrong had something to do with your body. It's a terrifying place to be, coming at it again and hoping for a different result. One of the hardest things, too, is separating your fear from your grief. They often feel the same, and that can be so confusing and overwhelming.

    I repeated to myself over and over again, "Breathe in healthy baby, breathe out fear and doubt." I still do this at my NSTs. You also have Kai as the perfect reminder that your body can do this pregnancy thing--and do it incredibly well.

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  19. It feels so lonely the grief that we walk. No one really understands the pain, the emptiness that we feel with out our full term, fully anticipated baby girls. That alone sucks! Then to try again and once again we are not incontrol and that too sucks! I wish your heart didn't have to worry but its inevitable, there is no escaping it until she is in your arms! You're amazing! You can do this!

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  20. I got my period today (I can't believe I'm writing this on the Internet!) and I am simultaneously heartbroken because oh god, do I ever want another living baby and relieved because holy shit, do I ever know how terrible and anxiety-ridden another pregnancy will be. I really, really feel for you Renel. I don't know what to say except that I feel for you and hope for you. You are so right: having your baby die inside you is completely crazy-making.

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  21. I'm so so sorry, we're here for you. I wish I could offer more, but all I've got is my virtual shoulder, always at the ready. Light and love.

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  22. Oh Renel... I'm so sorry that you're on your own on a day when you needed someone to be with you. You are incredibly brave and be gentle on yourself... but I know it's hard knowing the news that our little ones passed away inside us with no clear explanation. Such a tragedy.... thinking of you always and sending you a big hug from Oz xoxo

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  23. It's like walking a tightrope of suspense, wondering if we will will be able to balance ourselves and make it to the end wihtout falling, hoping at the other side our healthy living baby will be there to greet us. It is so hard. I am at week 20 not far behind you on this tightrope.
    I wish we were close, we could sit down chat and release all our fears together while sipping decaf coffee or tea and eating yummy cookies. Thinking of you.xo

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  24. The first thing that came to my mind when I read what your MD said: Dip shit! He is an absolute dip shit!! There are times when people, including MDs, should just shut the fuck up because they're not helpful.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm so sorry that we don't live closer. Some days there just aren't people around, and I'm sorry that it was that kind of day for you.

    Kai is so, so sweet! Even though he has little shoulders, it seems that his love for his mama brings a lot of nourishment to your soul. I know it does mine.

    xoxoxo

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  25. I understand about not trusting your body anymore. I don't trust mine, either.

    I'm very sorry you had a rough day, and I wish I could have brought over some warm soup or made you a cup of tea or just held your hand and given you a shoulder to cry on.

    Missing Camille with you, dear one.

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  26. I wish that i could have been there for you to lend an ear.
    My body betrayed me too, and it is terrifying, no way around that.
    It's got to be so incredibly hard. and it's something i think about a lot in regards to our future with pregnancy.
    Keep hanging in there momma. You are doing the best that you can. <3 xo

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  27. It's so hard being pregnant again. You are doing the best you can. Definitely thinking of you and your babes.

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  28. I love Kai's comment: The baby is okay in your tummy. That is so sweet.

    But I can only imagine how you must feel. We're 12 weeks out from losing our little girl, and my husband is all ready to jump on the trying again bandwagon. And while I really want a baby... The thought! Ah, the thought! Thinking of you and your little girls.

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  29. Hang in there Renel... I know I'm coming to this late, but hang in there. I understand how incredibly difficult this journey is. I did find the anxiety ebbed and flowed though. I'm hoping all will be well... I know that's little comfort, but I truly hope that all turns out well. And I'm still thinking about precious Camille xx

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  30. At this point on my journey, I can only imagine your fear and your joy and your hope and your anxiety and your exhilaration... and the million other emotions you must be going through on a daily basis. I am reading your posts with my breath caught up in my throat. Please let this baby be alright, I'm wishing for you, as I read them. Thinking of you and your baby, and of your precious Camille, who will be forever connected to the baby that's inside you now.

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