There is a woman who gave birth to her second daughter a few months after I gave birth to Camille. We were pregnant together, attended MOM's Club activities together and a few weeks after Camille was born she wrote me an email that was short and sympathetic in some way in which I can not remember. I do remember thinking that the email seemed a long time on coming and short on caring....
I see her at moms club events and kid birthday parties but we certainly are no longer friends. She has the audacity to complain of the difficulties of raising two children, sleep deprivation, decreased personal time etc...All while being VERY aware that my daughter died. I often have wanted to scream at her...CHECK YOUR FUCKING COMPANY LADY! because I guarantee you I under sleep that woman any night of the week and raising two children, even with its trials, will always be much, much, much easier than raising one when you SHOULD be raising two.
I saw her at the water park the other day. I am always cordial, and she was not with anyone else except her two daughters. I introduced her to my neighbors who where there with their children as well and invited her to different areas in the park if she wanted to join us. At one point when we were by ourselves she says "I wanted to say congratulations" in reference to my current pregnancy. I looked at her and said "well I certainly am not counting my chickens"...She said," Well I just had to say SOMETHING".
Funny...but her words mean absolutely NOTHING to me. If someone can not ask me even once to my face how I am doing, or ask about Camille. If she is not compelled in the last almost year to look at me and express sorrow for my loss, than she gets NO part in anything happy in my life. I wrote her off a long time ago. It wasn't difficult for me except I find her in my company so often. I do have to say that us being pregnant simultaneously lead me to believe that she would be of some comfort during my grieving...I have been wrong before.
There will be a lot of people surprised when they either receive a birth announcement or meet my daughter without ever knowing I was pregnant. You must be present in my grief to be a part of my life. Those are the rules....I made them up after my daughter died.
About Me
- Renel
- My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
Wow, girl, I get you on this. Lots of people don't know I'm getting ready to have my son. My grief rules are very similar to yours. You don't want to hear about my daughter? Then you don't get to hear about my son either.
ReplyDeleteI have had way too many conversations lately where I have to remind people that the baby inside of me is my second.
And the sleep issue? So many people have asked me lately how I'm sleeping. When I tell them not good, they say "oh that's just nature preparing you for the baby!" I don't have the heart to tell them that I lost my ability to sleep when I lost my daughter.
I am sure you get that.
I would have negative patience for that woman. I probably would have told her to eff herself by now.
Check your company, YES. Feeling the same way and have a blog post brewing myself about a run-in I had today with someone sho sounds a lot like this woman you describe. She went on and on about how she hopes her baby she's expecting is a GIRL because they're just so much more fun to dress aren't they? People are so freaking idiotic and infuriating sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYup. My mantra was "if you couldn't share in my grief, you don't deserve to share in my joy"
ReplyDeleteseriously, this lady sounds like a self-absorbed dud.
ReplyDeleteI envy how empowered you are.
We have the right to change the rules as we please and ABSOLUTELY you shouldn't have to share in this pregnancy with people who act as though your first daughter never mattered.
ReplyDeleteThe sleep talk infuriates me, too. Not having any time to yourself bc all your kids are living sounds like an excellent "problem" to have. No sympathy. I refuse to even entertain such nonsense.
I totally found some people who were pregnant while we were very helpful in my grief, and others just not...
ReplyDeleteTotally all over the 'stop complaining about raising children around me'. I ran into one of the friends that was not so good in my grief when I was out of town visiting my mum the other day. Haven't seen her since my baby shower BEFORE Amelia died (yet she calls me a 'very good friend') ... first thing she says, oh we'e been awake since 4am... the joys of having a baby with us on holiday. Aargh, like really!!!
So with you on this one!!
xx Di
"You must be present in my grief to be a part of my life. Those are the rules....I made them up after my daughter died."
ReplyDeleteOh my god Renel, YES to this.
xo
Brilliant. I follow your rules, too.
ReplyDeleteHalf my family doesnt know about my pregnancy, they are totally out of my life now and I dont plan to ever inform them of anything anymore. I have zero patience for those that turned their heads on our son's life and death and our grief.
ReplyDeleteI had the same rules. And so many of those uncomfortable conversations. I cringed reading that only because I have been there so many effing times. Oy, vey. It is only now I am having actual conversations with people who wouldn't have actual conversations with me after Lucia died. And it still remains, niggling there. I wish I could let it go, but I'm not that big of a person. Love to you, Mama. Let's pow wow about the painting, babe.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely. There are people who don't know anything about my life now, they lost that right when they chose to ignore our son and our loss because they "aren't good with things like that" and they "don't know what to say". Ugh.
ReplyDelete"Those are the rules....I made them up after my daughter died." YES. And might I add that they are very reasonable rules, too.
ReplyDeleteI often feel like that, too. Or at least, I'll never feel as close to the people who want to turn away from my grief but who will acknowledge other things in my life. It makes me so sad. And it also makes me sad to think that I ever did that to anyone in my previous life, before Molly.
ReplyDeleteWhy can't people understand how much of a gift it is to have friends and family around you who will see you for exactly who you are and love and accept you unconditionally? Those who extend that compassion, that listening ear and shoulder to cry on are giving us priceless unconditional love. When someone denies my grief and refuses to listen to me talk about my daughter, it feels like the ultimate rejection. It really hurts, and though a part of me understands that turning away may be a reflection of their coping mechanism, it feels bad to keep people like that in my life who hurt me in this essential way.
Sending unconditional love to you, dear Renel. xo
there were rules before nathaniel and rules after. . .i'm still making the rules up as i go. "Those are the rules. . .i made them up after my daughter died." YES!
ReplyDeleteI have similar rules... and have been surprised who has been there and who hasn't been. I'm so sorry that our grief brings this pain to our lives. Thinking of you and all your 3 kids xoxo
ReplyDeleteCan I just say, fuuuuuucccckkk yoooouuuuu biiiiiiiiitch? Not you, of course. But Queen DingDong. I will never, ever get that. How do you just NOT say ANYTHING?!?!?!? And then pretend like your daughter's dying never happened?
ReplyDeleteI don't get it.
There were friends who, not out of anger or spite or anything, never knew I was pregnant with O. I just couldn't talk about it. And if they weren't in my immediate life, I wasn't about to call anyone and tell them I was pregnant. They could find out some other way. Nuh uh.
Love to you, friend.
xo
Just wanted to say that I love your rules. They are perfect.
ReplyDeleteI am living by a very small set of rules. Basically you don't get to know unless I see you in person. My mom is insanely excited, however, and has been posting things on Facebook. I was mad at first but you know what, this is her grandchild and I don't want to take her happiness away.
I have not said this yet but I am so happy you are having a girl. She will not fill Camille's place in your heart, but she will make her own space, and I know you will love all of your children equally and unconditionally.
I have the same rule. So many of my so called friends disappeared when Lily died. When I got pregnant with little C I refused to tell them. In order to share in my happiness, you must also share in my sadness. Its a very reasonable rule that very few people understand unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I always say if you can't be there for me during the worst time of my life then you will not be there for any future happy times. Completely understand.
ReplyDeleteI want to adopt your rule - it sums up how I feel so completely!
ReplyDelete