The Ultrasound And All That Other Stuff

So here I am finally able to update. My computer hasn't worked in months and so I have to wait until I have extended access to my husbands laptop. I also want to thank everyone for their kind words, emails, comments etc. They mean more than I can express and your thoughts buoy me. Some of this post is a copy of exchanges via email I had with my friend Mary Beth and I was too lazy to retype it.

This last week was SO hard. D finalized his "Head Master" position (yeah I bet he loves that title..haha) on Tuesday, the same day and time as our anatomy scan. My dear friend April came from Santa Cruz and held my hand as I cried.

The woman who came in to do my ultrasound...I think she had been in my room for 2 seconds by the time I started firing questions at her. She was kind and said that the perinatologist would be able to answer them. I just wanted to know if she was going to be looking at specific things...haha She said she had been working there for two weeks (she has done ultrasounds for a lot longer, just new to childrens hospital) .. um...way to attack the new girl. She asked why I was so upset and I told her... because there isn't a picture of my daughter with "danger danger crazy lady" signs on the front of my file. She said that the scan she did on me is the easiest one she's done in a long time because the morphology of the patients she usually sees makes it difficult to visualize structures (read everyone she scans is totally obese) I guess me being 20 pounds over my usual weight although I am still in the normal range for my height doesn't put me in the category of fat in anyone else's book except mine.

The results of the scan show that right now baby looks normal...which is great right? right...it's great! it is really. I get so emotional every time I see that baby moving around being alive. The sonographer also gave me a 3D picture of the baby which I guess is totally hush hush but she said "considering your history, and your husband can't be here...." I have never seen any of my babies in 3D...I expressed my gratitude, and no offense to anyone who is into those, but I find them somewhat creepy.

The I met with the perinatoloist who my friend wants to make out with (he is super black with light eyes and has an African accent, he is very kind and patient and takes all the time in the world to answer my bazillion questions)...He always tries to reassure me and tells me he would tell me if anything was concerning to him. I always ask him about the numbers and the percentages. Last ultrasound the baby was measuring 1 day ahead. This ultrasound the baby was measuring 2 days behind...ALL NORMAL. He said that if we did a scan next week it could flip flop again. BUT of course that concerns me because everything concerns me.
We were going to find out the sex but D couldn't come to the scan so I asked the sonographer to take a picture or write it down and put it in an envelope so we could open it later that evening.

So the thing is, as we all know, the sex of the baby is so tertiary... With Camille we did not know she was a girl until she was born. I thought it would be fun to wait because we didn't care what sex the baby was. And then we had a girl... And all of a sudden I had fantasies of raising a girl that would never come to fruition.

Then I got pregnant with this baby and all we want is for this baby to be healthy and alive. We all want a healthy living baby in the not so cliche way that only a mama whose baby has died can understand. That being said I would be lying if I said I didn't have a preference. I hate that, it makes me feel like a total A-Hole to say that it matters even a little because it doesn't, but...I lost my daughter and so I honestly did want this one to be a girl. The great thing about having a child already is that I KNOW you want the one you get. Boy or girl you don't want them to be anyone except who they are.

It is easier for me to imagine raising two boys because I've been raising a boy for over 3 years. That imagined life is full of joy and love. Before Camille I never had this huge desire for a girl other than it would be fun to see what she looked like. I was such a tomboy growing up, Super rough and tumble (I'm way more girlie now). The thought of pink sparkles and tutus seemed overwhelming. I know each child is themselves and having an older brother influence will have an impact but you know what I mean. Like I said we didn't know Camille was a girl and she was due in July...IT IS HELL here in the summer...I mean out of control hot and we knew we would have everything if we had a boy and I am super practical. No nursery was set up, only diapers and one pack of white onesies were purchased. No baby shower...nothing. I can't tell you how many times I have cried that I never bought even ONE little dress. It BREAKS MY HEART!

So... if I had a boy I would be thrilled and sad simultaneously. Knowing my chances of raising a daughter were gone would be sad and would add to the loss for me.
If I had a girl I would be thrilled and sad simultaneously. I would be able to know what it was like to live out some of the fantasies of raising a daughter that only exist because Camille was Camille. The sad part is that another girl is not Camille and can not replace her. I don't want heart and mind confusion about that whole replacement dilemma.

So all that being said we found out we are having a girl.  I was not expecting it. I thought this baby was a boy. I have thought every baby I have been pregnant with since I had my son, was a boy.  My son said "I told you" because he knew. He knew with Camille too. I felt slightly relieved but not even that. No joy, no jumping up and down. Just, I hope this one lives. And then later I lost my shit and was balling because I miss Camille so much and I can't have her. I literally was crying on my friends shoulder. I vomited at 1 am that night/morning from total stress overload.

I love this baby already but...it's not a given that we will get to bring this baby home. I am 19 weeks pregnant, almost halfway cooked, and I want to believe. I am scared, but I also have a lot of hope...I just hope! Please keep living baby girl.

These were taken in our backyard today with our hightech superspif camera phones :)